Mama Said You're a Pretty Girl, What's In Your Head, It Doesn't Matter

Well I am finally home for Christmas break..

To be honest I do not know how I feel bout it. I know it is good for me to get out of the stressful environment that is school, but at least it was something to distract me. After I got off of work last night I talked to my mom for about half an hour about the counseling sessions that I have been having and some of the things I was talking to my counselor about specifically. My most favorite part about being home is getting to hug my mom whenever I want to. She always has and always will be my safe place. Although she can be a bit naggy at times, I know that she only wants what is best for me. It truly is hard to explain to anyone why I still feel like this. My mom said it is okay to talk about it, but to not give the situation power over me, which I know is what I have been doing. 

Who says I have to still let myself get so down about this? The only person who is saying it is me. The only person who is having a hard time believing in me is ME! I feel like I am always saying how slow of a process this is for me, but it really is. I think in the long run I will be thankful that I am going through all of these processes now and being by myself for an extended period of time. It is helping me to learn who I want to be and how I want to feel, act, and think about many aspects of my life. 

I have decided next semester is MINE and no one elses. I am going to do the things I love to do. I am so thankful I decided to sign up for weight lifting classes- I think it will be an awesome time. I am also looking forward to my workout dates with a close friend on days that I do not have weight lifting class.

I will begin to slowly start eating Paleo again, or as close to it as possible. I really do not eat that much grain anyway so I do not think it will be that hard. I just need to believe in myself and really focus on changing a lot of bad habits that I have both mentally and physically.

I am not freaking out about internships as much as I was in the middle of this semester. I filmed one of my audition videos on Wednesday night and it went really well. So well that afterwards I went out to the bar and got drunk... Whoops.. Actually not whoops. I really like this guy and I am so happy he agreed to go out to the bar with me. I really had not had a conversation with him for an extended period of time, so the beginning of our bar conversation was a little awkward, but not for very long. I just feel so bad that not a lot of people like him. I feel even worse that he is aware of it. I feel better however that he does not seem to mind it. I do not have class with him next semester like I did this semester, but I hope that we are able to hang out more next semester.

I am also very grateful for some of my close friends who are a year younger than me in college who helped me in various classes. They were the best study buddies this semester, although nothing can compare to my best friend of 10 years who, if she was on campus this semester, would have been THEE most motivating person I have in my life. Anyway, those few individuals are very special to me. One in particular whom I have a crush on. He is just an awesome person and lives life with an easy going attitude. He is one of the most intelligent and, at times, opinionated people I know, but I admire him for his such strong beliefs. I had the pleasure of having about three classes with him this semester and I regret not becoming friends with him before this year. He never judges me, no matter how sketchy some of my decisions proved to be this semester. Although I did not get to say goodbye to him before I left, I texted him to let him know how grateful I am we became friends and that he got me through most of my classes. He is truly a great person and I feel honored to call him a friend.

As I reflect on this part semester, I know there is always room for improvement in my grades and other aspects, but I feel that I did very well this semester especially given my emotional state. This serious of depression is never something I have had to deal with prior to this year. I have always been a pretty happy, funny, outgoing girl, which I still consider myself. I just struggled a lot to get out of bed in the morning. I am done being afraid of life. I think these past few months I have spent my time being so afraid of getting my feelings hurt that I try to not get attached to anyone. I have been floating between a lot of different groups of people and have also been getting very angry at people whom I consider myself close to. 

I do not usually say I regret things I do in life but the things I did not do. When I had lunch earlier this week with a close friend we talked about many things. She is younger than me and I wanted to comfort her in her decision to remain abstinent. I told her I did not wait and it was with someone whom I am not going to end up with, and for me that is hard. I think that was a wrong choice for me, but that being said I can not go back and undo it, so I have to learn how to deal with it and my emotions on my own and learn how to make myself happy. She found herself relying on a man to help her decide how to feel about herself for a long time too and that is just NOT what us women need to do. 

I think for such a long time I was desperate to feel the love that I know I give others and also see in movies that I never really thought about how I viewed myself. I do not need a man to validate my feelings about myself, sure there are certain things I do not like about myself- my weight being one of them. But if I do not like that about myself, that is something I need to change for myself, not anyone else. I have been shown I can be loved no matter what the size of my pants, if not by others, by myself FIRST.

I always think life would be so much easier right now with someone to help me through all these rough times, but it would probably be better to get into a better place like a career and such before I add anyone else into the equation because then I will not be struggling so much with the whole lost college student thing. There is still plenty of life ahead of me, and no matter who I end up with, they already have a story and life. It does not just begin the minute they meet me, just like mine has already started without him. Look at everything I have been through this past calendar year, clearly my world is spinning spinning spinning round and round without him yet.

I have always felt so blessed to have such an amazing family. My friends are a close second and are my family away from home. They bring out the good in me and help me to realize that there are awesome qualities that I possess.

On another note, I think I am going to begin to distance myself from the certain "him"'s family members. I mean I am friends with most of them online, but I do not think I will be hanging out with his sister very much over break. I just thought about us hanging out and that all I would ask her about was him, and that is just not healthy for me anymore. I need to hang out with her without having the compulsion to speak about him and know all the details of his life without me. The only thing I want to hear is that he is miserable without me and talks about me all the time and misses me, but that is never something I will hear, especially not from his sister who is always trying to protect me and my feelings. Not to mention she just wants me to move on already.

Many of my friends are trying to pressure me into telling a few guys that I might be interested in that I like them. I hesitate because it does not matter to me right now. I like hanging out with them and how it is going at the moment, there is no need to bring that aspect into our friendships. I know that I am better off not being in a relationship right now because I have never been too good at the relationship aspect of my life. Well not in terms of like boyfriends. I just have not had good luck and I know that is a reflection on me and something that I must be doing "wrong". I know there is technically no "right" or "wrong" to relationships, but there is just some aspect of myself that I am missing, maybe because I am looking for someone else to find it and tell me what it is. That is not how to should be. Like my mom said last night, I need to be 100% before I look for a man because you cannot succeed when you are looking for the other person to fill in the percentage that you are missing. You also cannot be the percentage to complement another person either. You should not expect that of them and they should not expect that of you.

Please bear with me as I reflect more over this holiday break when I can collect my thoughts and clear my mind.

Love,

Amy

Hello Hello Can Can You Hear Me?

Today is hard. This week is hard. Life is hard.

Today apparently pushed me past my breaking point.

So I desperately needed to update this.

Remember the "him" I talked about from high school a long time ago? The one who awkwardly kissed me and is just awkward now every time I see him? Well when I was home for Thanksgiving break guess what happened? I went out with my cousin and got fairly drunk. He texted me and wanted to see me. So he came over after I got home from the bar and we had sex. It seems so weird now because I was pretty drunk. I do not even remember talking to him that much. It just seemed like a legit "booty call".. which I guess it was since it was 3am. The worst part about that whole situation is that I have absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever. That is not something I have ever experienced. I imagined that if I ever had sex with him there would be a connection because of how strong my emotions were for him. I mean I "loved" him after all, which as I have said earlier it was never really love, not compared to how I felt about the "Him" that I have been dealing with getting over since April...

I was supposed to go to Columbus last night to go a date with a 28-year-old man that I met when I went there to see Justin Timberlake a few weeks ago. I decided not to go, mainly because I have so much to do before finals this coming week. Luckily he understood and still wants to see me, although I am not sure if I feel the same way.

There is also this other "him" that I maybe like. Who knows... I will explain that in a later post...

So tonight... what happened tonight?.... well good question.. I was okay for most of the day, but then something happened and I got so upset around 8:30pm and I have not gotten over it yet. I have been feeling stressed out these past few weeks anyway, but today I was just pushed to my emotional breaking point.

I have been so mad and angry at "him" from the past two years, that it is really hard to mask it. As much as I am angry and upset at "him" I have been even more so angry and mad at myself for feeling like this still. It has been about 8 months and I still feel so many emotions about it. I hate myself for still feeling this way about him. I try to escape these feelings, but the only way I know how to is to sleep. He is not something I can run away from anymore when I am awake, he is forever in the back of my mind. Why? He made me feel bad for being such a good person.. Why do I love someone who makes me feel like that? Being a caring and genuine person is not a characteristic about myself that I am ashamed of. I love that about me. I truly see the good in everyone, especially "him", even though he was clearly an asshole most of the time.

I have been so ashamed that I still feel like this that I have bottled it up for as long as I could. I exploded and talked about him and my raw emotions tonight to one of my very dear friends while we were doing homework/studying for finals. I wanted to cry, but I had to hold it back. For me personally, crying has always been a sign of weakness. Not when I see other people cry though- it just lets me know that they have emotions too. I do not like to cry, because that means that I am having feelings that are not being controlled. Losing control and the unknown is a scary thing for me. I do not do well with change, obviously. I held back my tears as long as I could. When I got home tonight, my roommate offered me a hug because she knew how stressed out I was. I said no at first because I know that once I hug someone when I am in such a fragile emotional state I will breakdown, but then without hesitation I took back the "no" and immediately thrust myself into her arms for a hug that I have needed for a long time. A caring hug. Not a stiff hug like I give almost everyday to someone when I see them for the first time in a long time or a hug I say when I am leaving a friend at the end of the night. This hug was, what felt like at the time, the most caring hug I have ever received. She held me while I sobbed and snotted into and on her sweatshirt. I feel so grateful for her, because as much shit as I have put her through lately with being so moody, she was there. She IS here. She is the one that hugged me, not all the other things and people in my life who stress me out. I apologize to her on here and in person because I have been a real asshole to live with lately because of all these emotions I am not expressing in productive ways.

I am also really mad at myself because I know this is not me. Within two years I have lost my virginity, and had sex with two other people. The two other people I have had sex with have only been one night stands. That is not who I am. I know it is not, but I feel like I have just put so much into relationships in my past that I have nothing left to give emotionally. I do not want to, but I just see some guys as a something to have sex with, which is TERRIBLE I know. I am just numb. I cannot let myself get attached because clearly it does not end well. It is so much easier to walk into a bar and have multiple guys want to dance and be with me physically than try to work on a relationship outside of that. Being in a bar in that situation lets me feel physically attractive again- like it is actually possible for another man to be attracted to me.

I know that life does go on and I know that this is just a hump that I have to get over and it will not be solved tomorrow, but oh how I wish it could be. Wouldn't life be so much easier if I could wake up and forget about "him"? But it cannot, so I will deal with it the best I can, which right now means blogging about it, talking to a few choice friends about it, crying on my friends shoulders (in moments of weakness), and talking to my counselor about it.

I hope life is treating you well readers. Thanks for reading. I hope some of you can relate and not feel so alone in this big ole world.

Love,

Amy

I'll Be The One Defining Who I'm Gonna Be.

Hmmmm... Well I figured I should update my blog because I have a lot of emotions I have been feeling lately. Someone introduced me to another blog in which there was a post about relationships, all it did was make me think about "him", which of course made me feel worse about it. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and not have these feelings.

Also I have realized (not recently) that I am very terrible at dealing with confrontation. The reason I mention it is because another situation arose recently that I did not want to talk about, so I just did not. It is so hard for me to have all these feelings. I feel like I have always had everyone else's problems as well as my own. People project their emotions onto me which causes me to feel the same as them as well as how I feel about my own personal situations. I would rather run away from everything than stand and confront it. I think that is the weakest part of me. That is one thing I wish to change about myself.

Monday I went and saw a counselor here at school. I am going weekly until I feel stable enough to go biweekly. I really think everyone could benefit from talking to a third party. I have a few goals that I will be working on with her. She seems really cool and I am glad to be talking to her.

On another note I slept through my first class this morning, but I am going to my 4pm class. I just really wanted to update this before I left for class.

Since school started back up again I feel like I have not been doing things that really make me happy. I feel obligated to others to be there for them and do everything to make sure they're happy. That is NOT how it should be. I need to make myself happy before I make others happy.

I leave tomorrow to go to a conference in Jacksonville Florida. I am so excited to be out of Ohio for a while. I love flying on airplanes. I love traveling in general. I hope to not live in one place for too long. I always want to be on the go somewhere. There is so much of the world to see it would be a shame to stay in one place the whole time.

Well I need to go get ready for class.. I will update this when I come back.


Love,

Amy

I'll Bow Out of Place To Save You Some Space for Somebody New.

I figure I am in the mood to be super productive, so I might as well update this thing.

After the other night I am doing better and not freaking out so much. I mean I am just trying not to think about it. I was going to go to drop in counseling at the university, but I slept through my 8am class and did not get a chance to go today. I will go Friday when I am free in the morning.

My paper that was due on Tuesday was good as well as the presentation that accompanied it. I also had a test that morning. I think I got about a 90% on it. I also had a test today in my cognitive psychology class. It was not hard, but I just wish I would have studied more for it, but I felt my music classes were more important.

I am currently being super productive. I did the dishes, wrote a check for utilities and put it in the mail, practiced songs for my session tomorrow, reapplied for my holiday job at home, and am currently doing laundry. I am so tired, but I am hoping to get two loads of laundry completely done tonight and put away before I head to bed. I have class at 9am tomorrow.

My schedule is all set for next semester, I am only taking 14 credit hours! It is hard to believe I am almost done with my undergraduate degree. It seems like just yesterday I was a freshman here meeting new people. College is funny that way, I am still meeting new people. It is so unlike high school that way. Not every face in college is that familiar. I have actually gotten really close to juniors in my same major that I never spoke more than 10 words to before this year. It is really sad that I just realized how awesome they are. But it is okay I will spend the rest of the school year hanging out with them because they are awesome people!

I performed at an open mic night last weekend on Friday. It was a fundraiser at a local coffee shop for a group I am in. I think it went pretty well. We raised over $100. I have awesome friends who supported and cheered me on. I accompanied myself singing on both guitar and piano. Such fun! :) Well I should get back to doing productive things since I am in that kind of mood.

Love,

Amy

Wondering if I Really Tried Everything I Could, Not Knowing if I Should Try a Little Harder.

I know I have not updated my blog in a really long time, but right now that is besides the point. At least I am updating it now...

Well when I went home the last time I did not see the guy that I am interested in. He kind of blew me off, which is whatever... I have so much going on inside my head right now with emotions this post may not be the easiest to follow but I just need to get it all out.

So there is this guy now at school that I like a lot. We have been hanging out more and more recently and I am not complaining about that. :) He is really nice and caring, very sarcastic sometimes, which is hard to read, but he is cool.

I have kind of given up on the guy from back home. I mean he was PERFECT, but he is just too busy living his life. I do not think he has time for barely a friendship.. It is weird... I do not know.

Well here is the main reason I just HAD to blog this very minute, even though I am in the process of writing an 8 page paper- "Him".

"He" had deactivated his Facebook, and I was fine. He must have reactivated it because I just ran across it for some reason. He also recently uploaded a picture I took of him from this past New Years. Oh and his profile picture is a picture I took of him in my house wearing my jacket being silly. I cannot believe this. It is definitely your life and you can do what you want with your Facebook, but please try and spare my feelings by not re-uploading pictures that I personally took of you! Why would he do that? If he really wants to erase me from his mind and life why not just have other pictures? I would not want a picture that he took of me as my profile picture, it is too painful. I cannot deal with it.

I thought I was emotionally stable enough that I would be able to make it through this semester without seeing a psychologist down here. That is not true. I am going to a walk-in appointment on Wednesday I have decided.

Well that is the update in my life. I love my friends and am so thankful that I have such wonderful people to help cloud over this situation as much as I do or I know I would not have come as far as I have since April.

Love,

Amy

Yeah You Bleed Just to Know You're Alive.

Okay, so it has been a while since I updated this and I figured there is no better time than the present especially if this blog is for benefitting my emotional health.

I do not know what has been wrong with me lately, but I have just not been myself lately. I feel different. I find myself becoming more and more pessimistic about life and the world rather than optimistic. I am really beginning to be discouraged by the human race. I do not understand people, including myself. Maybe that is why my cognitive psychology class is so interesting to me this semester.

I felt that I was doing good this semester, including last week when I had 2 papers and 4 tests. This week on the other hand I have felt absolutely terrible about a lot of things. I make other peoples' problems mine way too much.

I have stopped doing what I enjoy as much as I used to. I need to start doing things I enjoy more and be around people I want to be around.

I am happy I am going home this weekend so I can go to a Cleveland Browns game. Getting out of college mode will be nice, although it is always a terrible adjustment even after a short period of time, like the weekend.

I am feeling terrible about myself recently, mostly because I got out of my exercising routine I had this summer. I was eating clean and working out 4-5 times a week. Now I am lucky if I am able to work out twice a week. I need to start eating more healthily again. I am positive that will help with my mood.

I am still trying to be in contact with the boy from home that I really like, although it is hard because we both have really busy schedules with school. Hopefully I will be able to see him this weekend when I go home.

I have actually been thinking about "him" much more often as well. A few weeks ago I realized that he blocked me from Facebook. I mean it is understandable given the circumstances that we both do not need to be constantly reminded of one another, but it hurts. I know I spent my entire summer "getting over"/ coming to terms with the whole situation, but it would be lying to myself and you if I did not acknowledge the hurt and longing I still feel for him. I understand things in life happen and there are much worse things happening in other peoples' lives, but he is/was a very important person in my life. I really miss someone who I knew would text me everyday no matter what. Someone, besides my parents, who wanted to talk on the phone. I think I am especially thinking about it more this semester because I am also missing my best friend from middle school. She took this semester off to do an internship and will be back in the Spring to graduate with me.  It is my first time being at college and not having her live less than 3 minutes away from me. She was the one person I sought for an escape from my academic life, OR at times she would always be my library date when I needed to be productive. I really miss her and hope she knows how much I appreciate her and think about her, even when she is not here.

Everyday I wake up with the temptation to text "him". I think about him on my walk to class, during class, and random other times throughout my day. When something happens, he is still the first person I want to tell. That is why I usually end up calling my mom 3-5 times a day. I have never been this bad when it comes to calling her, but she can usually make me feel better by distracting me with talk about her and my father's lives at home.

I am beginning to lose my motivation again. I slept almost all day today. I went to all three of my classes, but I slept in between them, which was not productive in the least bit, especially when I have so much to do still this week.

I wish I would have called sooner to try and get an appointment with my psychologist when I go home this weekend. I may call his office in the morning to see if he has any openings for Saturday. I think it would make me feel a lot better to see him and talk to him. He made me feel less crazy.

There is not really anyone here at school I want to talk to about the things I talk to him about. I mean I joke around about my life situation a lot, but I really want to seriously talk about it to someone. Most people, especially in college, are so absorbed in what they are doing at the moment that they do not really care about what you have to say anyway.

I am happy I decided to write tonight, I know it is going to make sleeping tonight much easier.

Love,

Amy

Will You Still Love Me When I'm No Longer Young and Beautiful?

Wow it has been quite some time since I updated this. A lot has happened since the middle of August.

Well I have no spoken to "him" since we got in the last fight when he called me an asshole and said I showed my true colors.

So I met this 33-year-old guy at the bar about a month ago. We had went to the bar a couple times and met up there. Well the weekend before I left to head back down to school my cousin and I went to a bar near his house in his town to hang with him and his friends.. Long story short I ended up having sex with him. I actually had no problem just having sex with him. I honestly do not have feelings for him. I have not really thought about him until now as I type this. Also the "him" I liked in high school is texting me pictures of his dick.. Uh what? I have no desire to get caught up in that shit again. I never really did deal with it when it was over 4 years ago. I just told him we could not be friends anymore and agreed to give our friendship a long break. Eventually I just started liking the "him" I always refer to in these posts. So I never fully "got over" the "him" from high school.

The night before I left my family had their annual party at my house, which is my favorite day of the year. Well my cousin has a friend that went to high school with me and is a year older than me. Last year he invited him and this year he invited him again. So now that I am finally legal for one of these parties we drank together. The new "him" got drunk enough that he did not want to chance driving home so he stayed the night at my house. Well everyone who was not staying the night left around 1am. "He" stayed up until 4am talking to me with his head in my lap, holding my hand. We actually had an extremely deep conversation for being as tipsy as we both were. I was not expecting anything like that to happen between us. We have actually texted everyday this week since I got back to school. :) I am not going to hold my breath for anything to happen. Like I have been telling my friends, I tried the whole being in love with the previous "him" and that did not work out whatsoever. Now I am just trying to have a fun life that I enjoy. No one knows what tomorrow holds, but I know right now I feel great about the new perspective guy I am texting. He is honestly a great person. I do not remember ever talking to him in high school, but he has a lot of the same goals in life that I do. He wants to accomplish many things and I am really attracted to that aspect of him.

The first week of school:
I do not think I have had a more intense first week of school before. I had probably 6-7 hours of reading to do this week, which I did and am proud of myself. I still have a lot more to do this week, but I am grateful I have tonight and all day tomorrow because of the holiday to work on it. I made a list of my goals for this school year so that I stay on track more. I want my senior year to be fun, but also a year I am proud of. I absolutely love living with my roomie. We have a two bedroom house and although many would say it is far away, I do not care. I love her and the puppy. Well we are going grocery shopping so we can make enchiladas for dinner! Update soon.

Love,

Amy