Wednesday, August 14, 2013

You're No Good For Me, But Baby I Want You, I Want You.

It has been a really long time since I posted.. There's not really that much to say, but I will say something anyway.

So the last time I posted "he" had called me.. Well about a week after that post we got into a fight... over texting of course. What's new?

He had the audacity to tell me that texting me made him feel like he was texting his ex-girlfreind.. You know the one I mentioned that was mooching on him all of March. Well let's just say that did NOT sit well with me. I told him I would not stand for him to say that after everything him and I have been through. I told him he would regret the day that he let me slip away. Then he called me crazy. I told him that he was the crazy one and that I wish I was her because at least he loved her enough to make her his girlfriend. I also said he only loved me when he was afraid I was going to die in the hospital at the end of January. Then he called me an asshole. I told him he was the asshole and that he played the biggest game with me. I thanked him because no man will ever pull the wall over my eyes like he did. Then he said I showed my true colors. I said some more stuff to him, but we have not talked at all since then. I have actually been trying not to think about it.

I had some help with getting my mind off of it because I went to Kentucky and Tennessee with my mother, two aunts, and cousin from Thursday-Monday. Thankfully I did not have a lot of cell phone reception, and I was receiving text messages from the guy I met at the bar in my hometown when I did get a signal. So I was texting him instead of "him".

It really has not gotten easier with time like everyone assured me it would. I think tomorrow is my last appointment with my psychologist. I am scared. I need to find one when I go back to school. The only problem with changing psychologists is that you have to explain your story over and over again. It is just like reopening the wound again. Tearing my heart right back open. Makes it feel like it is happening all over again in that very moment.

Next Saturday the 24th is my favorite day of the year. Not date, but day. So my dad's side of the family always has their annual get together and my parents have hosted it long before I was born. I truly love my family and I cannot wait to spend time with them. That also means that my sissy is coming up from Cincinnati! I cannot wait to see her. I text her occasionally, but I do not talk to her as much as I would like to or should.

I ended up getting a "B" in Biology. Dude I will so take it!!! I am proud of myself. There is always room for improvement, but at least I did well. I have a final report due for my other class that is 15% of my final grade due Friday. I have no doubt I will do very well on the paper and get an "A" for that class.

I went online to look at my classes and bought a book for one of them. I am not registered for a couple classes yet, there is this stupid thing where you cannot sign up for classes until after the summer.. Blah Blah.

Today was a great day. I got up at 7:30am, made breakfast, worked out. Then I went over to my cousin's house, a doctor's appointment, then I went to the grocery store, and then got coffee.

Oh speaking of the grocery store, I saw "his" brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law there. We talked for a good 45 minutes about things. It is so sad to me because I really like and get along with his family members. His brother told me not to worry about him because he just makes decisions based off of impulsions, which I completely agree with. It was very nice to see those two today, although I was nervous that I would not know what to say, but we talked like we knew each other forever. He mentioned the older lady "he" was seeing, said she seemed nice, but he does not really know her or understand why "he" would want to be with her.

Here is how I am beginning to think of my life:
I am starting school in the fall with or without him in my life. There is no guarantee in life of other people being a constant. You just have to move on and hope that they miss you as much as you miss them. I think this year, although being my last in school, signals a new beginning in my life. Heck I have been through more in the beginning of 2013 than I ever imagined I would. It has made me stronger, along with many other things. No matter if a relationship ends with anyone, I know that I could never lose my compassion for others. I will never stop caring and I do not believe that I have to. Life is too short to hold grudges. Lord knows I have forgiven "him" for this whole situation. It does not matter what anyone else thinks about this situation. It is past time to think about myself and the decision I want to make. I will have to admit that it is hard to imagine going forward without him, because just a few short months ago I imagined we would take Chicago, or whatever big city we moved to, by storm. However that is not the case. I just wish people did not sell themselves so short. Life is too short to not strive for the life you want to live and the goals you want to accomplish. I honestly wish for him the best life I could ever imagine for someone, because although he hurt me, he deserves happiness, the same as anyone else.

Working out: Well I worked out one day when I was in Tennessee, not any others. :( I know shame on me. I am really committed to it because I hit the gym hard this morning. I am extremely terrified though that when I go back to school I will lose my motivation to go to the gym everyday like I have been this summer. I cannot lose my motivation to get in shape! I have to do it for me. I really am trying to take better care of myself. The problem I have now is sleeping at night. I do not know why it is so hard for me to fall asleep, even when I am exhausted. I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night. Not nearly enough for me to want to function off of, but that is life.

Tomorrow I have an orientation to volunteer at the local psych. hospital. Yeah I know barely a week left of summer and I am finally getting into there. I have been trying all summer, but the stupid paperwork for the state takes such a long time. I am really hoping to have a good week there and hopefully be able to go back during winter break when I am not working my holiday job.

Also would like to mention that I received a call from my hematologist to say that I am blood clot free and was able to discontinue taking my blood thinners two weeks ago. I am almost feeling back to my normal self. That was such good news. My mom calls it "Miracle #3" in my life, which I completely agree with. I am so lucky to be alive every day. There is no way that I will live the rest of my life not cherishing every moment.

I just found this quote, but I would like to close with it:

"The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye.
The story of love is hello and goodbye.
Until we meet again."
-- Jimi Hendrix