Monday, December 30, 2013

Change Your Mind... Let Go Too Soon..

I hope you all had a Blessed Christmas and were able to spend time with loved ones this holiday season.
What terrible blogger would I be if I did not make the cliche "Reflecting on the Past Year" post the day before New Year's Eve.

Looking back I cannot even believe I made it through all of the circumstances that I survived this year. Not that my college career is coming to an end in 2014, I can reflect on many things, including my college experience.

Let's start with this past year.
There were many humps this calendar year beginning in January 2013. In the beginning of January while I was still on winter break my mom went into the hospital. The night that she went into the hospital I spent the night at "his" house. I remember waking up in the morning to a call that was unfamiliar so I did not answer it. When I listened to the voicemail it was my mom saying she was admitted into the hospital late that night after I left home. I could not believe it. I was leaving to go back to school that day. I made my way over to the hospital with my dad and visited her for a little bit. It was so hard leaving my mom in the hospital when I headed back down to school. Little did I know that was not my only visit to the hospital this year, or even that month.

The second week back in the semester I started to have a headache. I sought help at our campus care, which did nothing. When it kept persisting I went to the local clinic, who said it was just a tension headache and prescribed muscle relaxer. I then went to the emergency room. I count my lucky stars everyday because without my persistence in getting adequate medical treatment I would not be alive today. I had developed a blood clot in my head from using birth control. After 4 days in the hospital I was released and came home to live with my parents for a few weeks. That is right I was on medical leave from the university for three weeks. Luckily I had "him" here to take care of me. He stayed with me almost every night and when he was not working he was spending time with me. It seemed so wonderful to have him, especially given the circumstance. It upsets me often because I know that in such a traumatic time in my life "he" will always be associated with that.

In February, things did not prove to be so sweet between the two of us. What turned out to essentially be two best friends with benefits was never okay with me. I would like to repeat that: NEVER okay with me. I know you are thinking- "Amy if that was not okay with you why did you do it?" Well he was the first guy in my life to really show interest in me who I thought was attractive. For some reason I still find him very attractive. On the outside, and maybe some of the inside, he is the perfect man for me. Well anyway, in February I turned 21. He did not come out with me on my birthday, even though he took the whole week off of work. We got in a fight because he had another girl spend the night at his house and when I confronted him about it at his house one night things were never the same from then on. So my 21st birthday I spent crying for a little bit, especially because he texted me to say he left my gift under the tire of my car for me. It was all I could do to open the card and read it and look at the gifts, even though they were little stupid things. I just have never understood how he can claim to love me so much, yet not treat me with the respect and courtesy that I have always thought I deserve. Sure I am difficult to get along with sometimes due to my moodiness, but who isn't?

Well that night changed our relationship forever. When I went back to school the third week of February I began using this app called "Tinder". It was like a "hit it or quit it" app. I found a guy on there who had his masters and worked for the university. He took me out for coffee and then spent the night with me. Nothing happened between us. He tried to hang out with me the next night, but I blew him off because I could not stop comparing him to the "him" from home. I really regret that because he was a great guy.

When I came home for Spring Break I ended up spending 7/10 nights at home with "him", having sex and acting like a couple. When I went back to school all was well. We still talked and what not and I really thought that he would come around and finally be able to commit to me. Well boy was I wrong. When I came home two weekends later to see my high school's musical I went over to his house afterwards and he told me that he had been dating another girl. I knew they were friends, but I never thought anything would happen between them because I trusted him, imagine that? And no this was not the same girl he had spend the night in February two days before my birthday. So I was, of course, devastated and wanted to leave, but before I could I started bawling my eyes out. I remember him saying "So you're crying because I have a girlfriend?" Oh boy did he have a way with words? I replied that I was crying because none of it was worth it anymore. He clearly did not want to be with me and I understood now. He then held me while I bawled my eyes out. I have never felt so vulnerable and weak before in my life. It was the reality I was trying to escape for the longest time. He also had the audacity to ask me if I wanted to have sex with him that night.... Like uhhhhh how about no?! So I left and went back to school with a broken heart.

I finished the school year the best I could, always contemplating spending the summer in my hometown or down at school. If I came home I had the chance of running into him and I really was already embarrassed enough. So when I came home the first thing I did was start seeing a psychologist to try and process all of the junk that I mentioned above, as well as I had known "him" for a whole year before all of this. I have spent the past 2 New Year's Eve's with "him".

Then I started my blog, and if you want to hear about all the other shit that has happened since then in detail read my other posts. But to sum it up, I started working out and caring about myself a lot more, although I would still give in and see him sometimes and I still maintain a relationship with one of his sisters. I slept with two other people since then.... Blah blah blah I stopped working out.... blah blah blah... read my other posts. I am happy to say I have not talked to him since the last week of July. That is a huge accomplishment for me. It is still hard almost everyday to suppress the urge to text, call, or message him on Facebook.

Well that brings me to this moment at 4:45pm on December 30, 2013. There are so many things I have tried to hold onto for so long, including the thought of a future relationship with "him". That is never going to happen. I am not going to wake up one day and him not hate me. Nor will I wake up one day and forget the hurt and pain that he caused me. I still love and care about him deeply, but there can never be another us. That is just not a possibility. I want totally different things for my life than he does. I want to escape our hometown, I want to change the world and make a difference. The best part about that is I CAN! I am young, single, and not tied down.

Sure the thought of graduating in a short 5 months is terrifying beyond belief. If I was not afraid of change I would be some sort of superhuman. But the way I look at it this year I survived a blood clot in my head and the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced in my entire life. I am still alive and breathing for a reason. There were many low times this past year that I thought I was not going to make it because I felt so heartless and shattered. I know I still have many more of those days ahead of me, but it is getting better. Everyday is one day better because it is one more day I have on Earth to do what I have planned for myself. I will accomplish all of my goals.

This year I got out of a bad situation, whether it was by choice or not, I did. And to top it off I survived. I'm no less of "Amy" than I was when I started.

The year 2014 signifies to me a beginning. It is the beginning of my adventure on my own- no parents supporting me financially, no ties to any place in particular, nothing. As a good friend of mine recently made a post about being "vulnerable", I cannot help but second that. I am going to embrace the vulnerability that comes with new adventures. I cannot wait to see where life takes me. If I meet someone along the way, then hey, that's wonderful. If not, it just was not meant to be.

I feel like I have never really felt "loved" by someone I was in a relationship with. I know that I have loved and can show love, but they have not. "He" told me he loved me, but he also ditched hanging out with me a lot, and hurt me emotionally. I do not have that much of a skewed sense of love to think that that is what it is. Because it is not. Knowing that you are loved means feeling unconditional support for whatever decisions you make in your life, it is knowing that someone is always in your corner either fighting for you or making sure you did not get beat up too badly. I know how I felt about him, but he has a skewed sense of how he felt about me. He never loved me or else he would not have done this to me. I know, I know, I let him do this to me. What is that quote? "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Well he could have been a decent human being. He has the power to act however he wants. I cannot control him or his feelings, no matter how much I may want to just shake him to make him realize he gave up the best thing he would have ever had.

So as I approach New Year's Eve not having anyone to kiss at midnight for the first time in two years, I am okay with that. I need to kiss myself, love myself starting this year. I am always surrounded by people who care about, love, and support me. I do not need the clock to strike midnight for me to be appreciative of that or excited for my future to come.

I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!



Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I Know I Drive You Crazy, But Would You Rather That I Be A Machine?

I find it the most hard to not think about "him" when I am driving home from work late at night. There is barely any cars on the road, no noise. Life has finally slowed down. My brain is not distracted by all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. Life is hard.

I was just giving advice to a close friend yesterday about her relationship issues. I always wonder why my friends come to me- like when have I ever had a somewhat successful relationship? Oh NEVER. I guess they trust me and think I have good judgement, OR they just want someone to listen to them, and I never turn them down to complain to me. I get that. I am like that too. I wish I talked more about it. Most people would say I am a pretty open and honest person, but not to myself. And not about a lot of things. I tend to keep things really bothering me to myself. 

I am so exhausted. I am working 35+ hours this week and I have yet to start a paper that I got an extension on that is technically due on Friday at midnight. I would be okay if I did not work 6.5 hours today and have to be out of town ALL day tomorrow... and then I work Friday morning as well. I am just so tired not only physically, but mentally. I am looking forward to Christmas being over. My favorite part about the Christmas season is the snow and seeing my family and I will still be in town after Wednesday, AND there will also still be snow on the ground. I do not really care about the presents this year, I just want a break from school. I cannot wait until I am done in May. It cannot come soon enough. I am VERY excited to start my internship, but the whole process of applying IS quite overwhelming I have to admit. 

Growing up is hard. I understand Peter Pan now as I am older. I find it so weird how when I was younger I wanted nothing more than to grow up and now that I am legally a "grown up" I would do anything to go back to being 5 years old again. There are probably many things I would do differently. I would have tried harder in high school and in college to get better grades. I would make different relationship choices, not only in guys I chose but also friendships I chose to spend time on.

Well I have to leave for work in half an hour, but I figured it would be best if I update this as much as possible.



Saturday, December 14, 2013

Mama Said You're a Pretty Girl, What's In Your Head, It Doesn't Matter

Well I am finally home for Christmas break..

To be honest I do not know how I feel bout it. I know it is good for me to get out of the stressful environment that is school, but at least it was something to distract me. After I got off of work last night I talked to my mom for about half an hour about the counseling sessions that I have been having and some of the things I was talking to my counselor about specifically. My most favorite part about being home is getting to hug my mom whenever I want to. She always has and always will be my safe place. Although she can be a bit naggy at times, I know that she only wants what is best for me. It truly is hard to explain to anyone why I still feel like this. My mom said it is okay to talk about it, but to not give the situation power over me, which I know is what I have been doing. 

Who says I have to still let myself get so down about this? The only person who is saying it is me. The only person who is having a hard time believing in me is ME! I feel like I am always saying how slow of a process this is for me, but it really is. I think in the long run I will be thankful that I am going through all of these processes now and being by myself for an extended period of time. It is helping me to learn who I want to be and how I want to feel, act, and think about many aspects of my life. 

I have decided next semester is MINE and no one elses. I am going to do the things I love to do. I am so thankful I decided to sign up for weight lifting classes- I think it will be an awesome time. I am also looking forward to my workout dates with a close friend on days that I do not have weight lifting class.

I will begin to slowly start eating Paleo again, or as close to it as possible. I really do not eat that much grain anyway so I do not think it will be that hard. I just need to believe in myself and really focus on changing a lot of bad habits that I have both mentally and physically.

I am not freaking out about internships as much as I was in the middle of this semester. I filmed one of my audition videos on Wednesday night and it went really well. So well that afterwards I went out to the bar and got drunk... Whoops.. Actually not whoops. I really like this guy and I am so happy he agreed to go out to the bar with me. I really had not had a conversation with him for an extended period of time, so the beginning of our bar conversation was a little awkward, but not for very long. I just feel so bad that not a lot of people like him. I feel even worse that he is aware of it. I feel better however that he does not seem to mind it. I do not have class with him next semester like I did this semester, but I hope that we are able to hang out more next semester.

I am also very grateful for some of my close friends who are a year younger than me in college who helped me in various classes. They were the best study buddies this semester, although nothing can compare to my best friend of 10 years who, if she was on campus this semester, would have been THEE most motivating person I have in my life. Anyway, those few individuals are very special to me. One in particular whom I have a crush on. He is just an awesome person and lives life with an easy going attitude. He is one of the most intelligent and, at times, opinionated people I know, but I admire him for his such strong beliefs. I had the pleasure of having about three classes with him this semester and I regret not becoming friends with him before this year. He never judges me, no matter how sketchy some of my decisions proved to be this semester. Although I did not get to say goodbye to him before I left, I texted him to let him know how grateful I am we became friends and that he got me through most of my classes. He is truly a great person and I feel honored to call him a friend.

As I reflect on this part semester, I know there is always room for improvement in my grades and other aspects, but I feel that I did very well this semester especially given my emotional state. This serious of depression is never something I have had to deal with prior to this year. I have always been a pretty happy, funny, outgoing girl, which I still consider myself. I just struggled a lot to get out of bed in the morning. I am done being afraid of life. I think these past few months I have spent my time being so afraid of getting my feelings hurt that I try to not get attached to anyone. I have been floating between a lot of different groups of people and have also been getting very angry at people whom I consider myself close to. 

I do not usually say I regret things I do in life but the things I did not do. When I had lunch earlier this week with a close friend we talked about many things. She is younger than me and I wanted to comfort her in her decision to remain abstinent. I told her I did not wait and it was with someone whom I am not going to end up with, and for me that is hard. I think that was a wrong choice for me, but that being said I can not go back and undo it, so I have to learn how to deal with it and my emotions on my own and learn how to make myself happy. She found herself relying on a man to help her decide how to feel about herself for a long time too and that is just NOT what us women need to do. 

I think for such a long time I was desperate to feel the love that I know I give others and also see in movies that I never really thought about how I viewed myself. I do not need a man to validate my feelings about myself, sure there are certain things I do not like about myself- my weight being one of them. But if I do not like that about myself, that is something I need to change for myself, not anyone else. I have been shown I can be loved no matter what the size of my pants, if not by others, by myself FIRST.

I always think life would be so much easier right now with someone to help me through all these rough times, but it would probably be better to get into a better place like a career and such before I add anyone else into the equation because then I will not be struggling so much with the whole lost college student thing. There is still plenty of life ahead of me, and no matter who I end up with, they already have a story and life. It does not just begin the minute they meet me, just like mine has already started without him. Look at everything I have been through this past calendar year, clearly my world is spinning spinning spinning round and round without him yet.

I have always felt so blessed to have such an amazing family. My friends are a close second and are my family away from home. They bring out the good in me and help me to realize that there are awesome qualities that I possess.

On another note, I think I am going to begin to distance myself from the certain "him"'s family members. I mean I am friends with most of them online, but I do not think I will be hanging out with his sister very much over break. I just thought about us hanging out and that all I would ask her about was him, and that is just not healthy for me anymore. I need to hang out with her without having the compulsion to speak about him and know all the details of his life without me. The only thing I want to hear is that he is miserable without me and talks about me all the time and misses me, but that is never something I will hear, especially not from his sister who is always trying to protect me and my feelings. Not to mention she just wants me to move on already.

Many of my friends are trying to pressure me into telling a few guys that I might be interested in that I like them. I hesitate because it does not matter to me right now. I like hanging out with them and how it is going at the moment, there is no need to bring that aspect into our friendships. I know that I am better off not being in a relationship right now because I have never been too good at the relationship aspect of my life. Well not in terms of like boyfriends. I just have not had good luck and I know that is a reflection on me and something that I must be doing "wrong". I know there is technically no "right" or "wrong" to relationships, but there is just some aspect of myself that I am missing, maybe because I am looking for someone else to find it and tell me what it is. That is not how to should be. Like my mom said last night, I need to be 100% before I look for a man because you cannot succeed when you are looking for the other person to fill in the percentage that you are missing. You also cannot be the percentage to complement another person either. You should not expect that of them and they should not expect that of you.

Please bear with me as I reflect more over this holiday break when I can collect my thoughts and clear my mind.



Saturday, December 7, 2013

Hello Hello Can Can You Hear Me?

Today is hard. This week is hard. Life is hard.

Today apparently pushed me past my breaking point.

So I desperately needed to update this.

Remember the "him" I talked about from high school a long time ago? The one who awkwardly kissed me and is just awkward now every time I see him? Well when I was home for Thanksgiving break guess what happened? I went out with my cousin and got fairly drunk. He texted me and wanted to see me. So he came over after I got home from the bar and we had sex. It seems so weird now because I was pretty drunk. I do not even remember talking to him that much. It just seemed like a legit "booty call".. which I guess it was since it was 3am. The worst part about that whole situation is that I have absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever. That is not something I have ever experienced. I imagined that if I ever had sex with him there would be a connection because of how strong my emotions were for him. I mean I "loved" him after all, which as I have said earlier it was never really love, not compared to how I felt about the "Him" that I have been dealing with getting over since April...

I was supposed to go to Columbus last night to go a date with a 28-year-old man that I met when I went there to see Justin Timberlake a few weeks ago. I decided not to go, mainly because I have so much to do before finals this coming week. Luckily he understood and still wants to see me, although I am not sure if I feel the same way.

There is also this other "him" that I maybe like. Who knows... I will explain that in a later post...

So tonight... what happened tonight?.... well good question.. I was okay for most of the day, but then something happened and I got so upset around 8:30pm and I have not gotten over it yet. I have been feeling stressed out these past few weeks anyway, but today I was just pushed to my emotional breaking point.

I have been so mad and angry at "him" from the past two years, that it is really hard to mask it. As much as I am angry and upset at "him" I have been even more so angry and mad at myself for feeling like this still. It has been about 8 months and I still feel so many emotions about it. I hate myself for still feeling this way about him. I try to escape these feelings, but the only way I know how to is to sleep. He is not something I can run away from anymore when I am awake, he is forever in the back of my mind. Why? He made me feel bad for being such a good person.. Why do I love someone who makes me feel like that? Being a caring and genuine person is not a characteristic about myself that I am ashamed of. I love that about me. I truly see the good in everyone, especially "him", even though he was clearly an asshole most of the time.

I have been so ashamed that I still feel like this that I have bottled it up for as long as I could. I exploded and talked about him and my raw emotions tonight to one of my very dear friends while we were doing homework/studying for finals. I wanted to cry, but I had to hold it back. For me personally, crying has always been a sign of weakness. Not when I see other people cry though- it just lets me know that they have emotions too. I do not like to cry, because that means that I am having feelings that are not being controlled. Losing control and the unknown is a scary thing for me. I do not do well with change, obviously. I held back my tears as long as I could. When I got home tonight, my roommate offered me a hug because she knew how stressed out I was. I said no at first because I know that once I hug someone when I am in such a fragile emotional state I will breakdown, but then without hesitation I took back the "no" and immediately thrust myself into her arms for a hug that I have needed for a long time. A caring hug. Not a stiff hug like I give almost everyday to someone when I see them for the first time in a long time or a hug I say when I am leaving a friend at the end of the night. This hug was, what felt like at the time, the most caring hug I have ever received. She held me while I sobbed and snotted into and on her sweatshirt. I feel so grateful for her, because as much shit as I have put her through lately with being so moody, she was there. She IS here. She is the one that hugged me, not all the other things and people in my life who stress me out. I apologize to her on here and in person because I have been a real asshole to live with lately because of all these emotions I am not expressing in productive ways.

I am also really mad at myself because I know this is not me. Within two years I have lost my virginity, and had sex with two other people. The two other people I have had sex with have only been one night stands. That is not who I am. I know it is not, but I feel like I have just put so much into relationships in my past that I have nothing left to give emotionally. I do not want to, but I just see some guys as a something to have sex with, which is TERRIBLE I know. I am just numb. I cannot let myself get attached because clearly it does not end well. It is so much easier to walk into a bar and have multiple guys want to dance and be with me physically than try to work on a relationship outside of that. Being in a bar in that situation lets me feel physically attractive again- like it is actually possible for another man to be attracted to me.

I know that life does go on and I know that this is just a hump that I have to get over and it will not be solved tomorrow, but oh how I wish it could be. Wouldn't life be so much easier if I could wake up and forget about "him"? But it cannot, so I will deal with it the best I can, which right now means blogging about it, talking to a few choice friends about it, crying on my friends shoulders (in moments of weakness), and talking to my counselor about it.

I hope life is treating you well readers. Thanks for reading. I hope some of you can relate and not feel so alone in this big ole world.



Wednesday, November 20, 2013

I'll Be The One Defining Who I'm Gonna Be.

Hmmmm... Well I figured I should update my blog because I have a lot of emotions I have been feeling lately. Someone introduced me to another blog in which there was a post about relationships, all it did was make me think about "him", which of course made me feel worse about it. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and not have these feelings.

Also I have realized (not recently) that I am very terrible at dealing with confrontation. The reason I mention it is because another situation arose recently that I did not want to talk about, so I just did not. It is so hard for me to have all these feelings. I feel like I have always had everyone else's problems as well as my own. People project their emotions onto me which causes me to feel the same as them as well as how I feel about my own personal situations. I would rather run away from everything than stand and confront it. I think that is the weakest part of me. That is one thing I wish to change about myself.

Monday I went and saw a counselor here at school. I am going weekly until I feel stable enough to go biweekly. I really think everyone could benefit from talking to a third party. I have a few goals that I will be working on with her. She seems really cool and I am glad to be talking to her.

On another note I slept through my first class this morning, but I am going to my 4pm class. I just really wanted to update this before I left for class.

Since school started back up again I feel like I have not been doing things that really make me happy. I feel obligated to others to be there for them and do everything to make sure they're happy. That is NOT how it should be. I need to make myself happy before I make others happy.

I leave tomorrow to go to a conference in Jacksonville Florida. I am so excited to be out of Ohio for a while. I love flying on airplanes. I love traveling in general. I hope to not live in one place for too long. I always want to be on the go somewhere. There is so much of the world to see it would be a shame to stay in one place the whole time.

Well I need to go get ready for class.. I will update this when I come back.



Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I'll Bow Out of Place To Save You Some Space for Somebody New.

I figure I am in the mood to be super productive, so I might as well update this thing.

After the other night I am doing better and not freaking out so much. I mean I am just trying not to think about it. I was going to go to drop in counseling at the university, but I slept through my 8am class and did not get a chance to go today. I will go Friday when I am free in the morning.

My paper that was due on Tuesday was good as well as the presentation that accompanied it. I also had a test that morning. I think I got about a 90% on it. I also had a test today in my cognitive psychology class. It was not hard, but I just wish I would have studied more for it, but I felt my music classes were more important.

I am currently being super productive. I did the dishes, wrote a check for utilities and put it in the mail, practiced songs for my session tomorrow, reapplied for my holiday job at home, and am currently doing laundry. I am so tired, but I am hoping to get two loads of laundry completely done tonight and put away before I head to bed. I have class at 9am tomorrow.

My schedule is all set for next semester, I am only taking 14 credit hours! It is hard to believe I am almost done with my undergraduate degree. It seems like just yesterday I was a freshman here meeting new people. College is funny that way, I am still meeting new people. It is so unlike high school that way. Not every face in college is that familiar. I have actually gotten really close to juniors in my same major that I never spoke more than 10 words to before this year. It is really sad that I just realized how awesome they are. But it is okay I will spend the rest of the school year hanging out with them because they are awesome people!

I performed at an open mic night last weekend on Friday. It was a fundraiser at a local coffee shop for a group I am in. I think it went pretty well. We raised over $100. I have awesome friends who supported and cheered me on. I accompanied myself singing on both guitar and piano. Such fun! :) Well I should get back to doing productive things since I am in that kind of mood.



Sunday, November 3, 2013

Wondering if I Really Tried Everything I Could, Not Knowing if I Should Try a Little Harder.

I know I have not updated my blog in a really long time, but right now that is besides the point. At least I am updating it now...

Well when I went home the last time I did not see the guy that I am interested in. He kind of blew me off, which is whatever... I have so much going on inside my head right now with emotions this post may not be the easiest to follow but I just need to get it all out.

So there is this guy now at school that I like a lot. We have been hanging out more and more recently and I am not complaining about that. :) He is really nice and caring, very sarcastic sometimes, which is hard to read, but he is cool.

I have kind of given up on the guy from back home. I mean he was PERFECT, but he is just too busy living his life. I do not think he has time for barely a friendship.. It is weird... I do not know.

Well here is the main reason I just HAD to blog this very minute, even though I am in the process of writing an 8 page paper- "Him".

"He" had deactivated his Facebook, and I was fine. He must have reactivated it because I just ran across it for some reason. He also recently uploaded a picture I took of him from this past New Years. Oh and his profile picture is a picture I took of him in my house wearing my jacket being silly. I cannot believe this. It is definitely your life and you can do what you want with your Facebook, but please try and spare my feelings by not re-uploading pictures that I personally took of you! Why would he do that? If he really wants to erase me from his mind and life why not just have other pictures? I would not want a picture that he took of me as my profile picture, it is too painful. I cannot deal with it.

I thought I was emotionally stable enough that I would be able to make it through this semester without seeing a psychologist down here. That is not true. I am going to a walk-in appointment on Wednesday I have decided.

Well that is the update in my life. I love my friends and am so thankful that I have such wonderful people to help cloud over this situation as much as I do or I know I would not have come as far as I have since April.



Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Yeah You Bleed Just to Know You're Alive.

Okay, so it has been a while since I updated this and I figured there is no better time than the present especially if this blog is for benefitting my emotional health.

I do not know what has been wrong with me lately, but I have just not been myself lately. I feel different. I find myself becoming more and more pessimistic about life and the world rather than optimistic. I am really beginning to be discouraged by the human race. I do not understand people, including myself. Maybe that is why my cognitive psychology class is so interesting to me this semester.

I felt that I was doing good this semester, including last week when I had 2 papers and 4 tests. This week on the other hand I have felt absolutely terrible about a lot of things. I make other peoples' problems mine way too much.

I have stopped doing what I enjoy as much as I used to. I need to start doing things I enjoy more and be around people I want to be around.

I am happy I am going home this weekend so I can go to a Cleveland Browns game. Getting out of college mode will be nice, although it is always a terrible adjustment even after a short period of time, like the weekend.

I am feeling terrible about myself recently, mostly because I got out of my exercising routine I had this summer. I was eating clean and working out 4-5 times a week. Now I am lucky if I am able to work out twice a week. I need to start eating more healthily again. I am positive that will help with my mood.

I am still trying to be in contact with the boy from home that I really like, although it is hard because we both have really busy schedules with school. Hopefully I will be able to see him this weekend when I go home.

I have actually been thinking about "him" much more often as well. A few weeks ago I realized that he blocked me from Facebook. I mean it is understandable given the circumstances that we both do not need to be constantly reminded of one another, but it hurts. I know I spent my entire summer "getting over"/ coming to terms with the whole situation, but it would be lying to myself and you if I did not acknowledge the hurt and longing I still feel for him. I understand things in life happen and there are much worse things happening in other peoples' lives, but he is/was a very important person in my life. I really miss someone who I knew would text me everyday no matter what. Someone, besides my parents, who wanted to talk on the phone. I think I am especially thinking about it more this semester because I am also missing my best friend from middle school. She took this semester off to do an internship and will be back in the Spring to graduate with me.  It is my first time being at college and not having her live less than 3 minutes away from me. She was the one person I sought for an escape from my academic life, OR at times she would always be my library date when I needed to be productive. I really miss her and hope she knows how much I appreciate her and think about her, even when she is not here.

Everyday I wake up with the temptation to text "him". I think about him on my walk to class, during class, and random other times throughout my day. When something happens, he is still the first person I want to tell. That is why I usually end up calling my mom 3-5 times a day. I have never been this bad when it comes to calling her, but she can usually make me feel better by distracting me with talk about her and my father's lives at home.

I am beginning to lose my motivation again. I slept almost all day today. I went to all three of my classes, but I slept in between them, which was not productive in the least bit, especially when I have so much to do still this week.

I wish I would have called sooner to try and get an appointment with my psychologist when I go home this weekend. I may call his office in the morning to see if he has any openings for Saturday. I think it would make me feel a lot better to see him and talk to him. He made me feel less crazy.

There is not really anyone here at school I want to talk to about the things I talk to him about. I mean I joke around about my life situation a lot, but I really want to seriously talk about it to someone. Most people, especially in college, are so absorbed in what they are doing at the moment that they do not really care about what you have to say anyway.

I am happy I decided to write tonight, I know it is going to make sleeping tonight much easier.



Sunday, September 1, 2013

Will You Still Love Me When I'm No Longer Young and Beautiful?

Wow it has been quite some time since I updated this. A lot has happened since the middle of August.

Well I have no spoken to "him" since we got in the last fight when he called me an asshole and said I showed my true colors.

So I met this 33-year-old guy at the bar about a month ago. We had went to the bar a couple times and met up there. Well the weekend before I left to head back down to school my cousin and I went to a bar near his house in his town to hang with him and his friends.. Long story short I ended up having sex with him. I actually had no problem just having sex with him. I honestly do not have feelings for him. I have not really thought about him until now as I type this. Also the "him" I liked in high school is texting me pictures of his dick.. Uh what? I have no desire to get caught up in that shit again. I never really did deal with it when it was over 4 years ago. I just told him we could not be friends anymore and agreed to give our friendship a long break. Eventually I just started liking the "him" I always refer to in these posts. So I never fully "got over" the "him" from high school.

The night before I left my family had their annual party at my house, which is my favorite day of the year. Well my cousin has a friend that went to high school with me and is a year older than me. Last year he invited him and this year he invited him again. So now that I am finally legal for one of these parties we drank together. The new "him" got drunk enough that he did not want to chance driving home so he stayed the night at my house. Well everyone who was not staying the night left around 1am. "He" stayed up until 4am talking to me with his head in my lap, holding my hand. We actually had an extremely deep conversation for being as tipsy as we both were. I was not expecting anything like that to happen between us. We have actually texted everyday this week since I got back to school. :) I am not going to hold my breath for anything to happen. Like I have been telling my friends, I tried the whole being in love with the previous "him" and that did not work out whatsoever. Now I am just trying to have a fun life that I enjoy. No one knows what tomorrow holds, but I know right now I feel great about the new perspective guy I am texting. He is honestly a great person. I do not remember ever talking to him in high school, but he has a lot of the same goals in life that I do. He wants to accomplish many things and I am really attracted to that aspect of him.

The first week of school:
I do not think I have had a more intense first week of school before. I had probably 6-7 hours of reading to do this week, which I did and am proud of myself. I still have a lot more to do this week, but I am grateful I have tonight and all day tomorrow because of the holiday to work on it. I made a list of my goals for this school year so that I stay on track more. I want my senior year to be fun, but also a year I am proud of. I absolutely love living with my roomie. We have a two bedroom house and although many would say it is far away, I do not care. I love her and the puppy. Well we are going grocery shopping so we can make enchiladas for dinner! Update soon.



Wednesday, August 14, 2013

You're No Good For Me, But Baby I Want You, I Want You.

It has been a really long time since I posted.. There's not really that much to say, but I will say something anyway.

So the last time I posted "he" had called me.. Well about a week after that post we got into a fight... over texting of course. What's new?

He had the audacity to tell me that texting me made him feel like he was texting his ex-girlfreind.. You know the one I mentioned that was mooching on him all of March. Well let's just say that did NOT sit well with me. I told him I would not stand for him to say that after everything him and I have been through. I told him he would regret the day that he let me slip away. Then he called me crazy. I told him that he was the crazy one and that I wish I was her because at least he loved her enough to make her his girlfriend. I also said he only loved me when he was afraid I was going to die in the hospital at the end of January. Then he called me an asshole. I told him he was the asshole and that he played the biggest game with me. I thanked him because no man will ever pull the wall over my eyes like he did. Then he said I showed my true colors. I said some more stuff to him, but we have not talked at all since then. I have actually been trying not to think about it.

I had some help with getting my mind off of it because I went to Kentucky and Tennessee with my mother, two aunts, and cousin from Thursday-Monday. Thankfully I did not have a lot of cell phone reception, and I was receiving text messages from the guy I met at the bar in my hometown when I did get a signal. So I was texting him instead of "him".

It really has not gotten easier with time like everyone assured me it would. I think tomorrow is my last appointment with my psychologist. I am scared. I need to find one when I go back to school. The only problem with changing psychologists is that you have to explain your story over and over again. It is just like reopening the wound again. Tearing my heart right back open. Makes it feel like it is happening all over again in that very moment.

Next Saturday the 24th is my favorite day of the year. Not date, but day. So my dad's side of the family always has their annual get together and my parents have hosted it long before I was born. I truly love my family and I cannot wait to spend time with them. That also means that my sissy is coming up from Cincinnati! I cannot wait to see her. I text her occasionally, but I do not talk to her as much as I would like to or should.

I ended up getting a "B" in Biology. Dude I will so take it!!! I am proud of myself. There is always room for improvement, but at least I did well. I have a final report due for my other class that is 15% of my final grade due Friday. I have no doubt I will do very well on the paper and get an "A" for that class.

I went online to look at my classes and bought a book for one of them. I am not registered for a couple classes yet, there is this stupid thing where you cannot sign up for classes until after the summer.. Blah Blah.

Today was a great day. I got up at 7:30am, made breakfast, worked out. Then I went over to my cousin's house, a doctor's appointment, then I went to the grocery store, and then got coffee.

Oh speaking of the grocery store, I saw "his" brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law there. We talked for a good 45 minutes about things. It is so sad to me because I really like and get along with his family members. His brother told me not to worry about him because he just makes decisions based off of impulsions, which I completely agree with. It was very nice to see those two today, although I was nervous that I would not know what to say, but we talked like we knew each other forever. He mentioned the older lady "he" was seeing, said she seemed nice, but he does not really know her or understand why "he" would want to be with her.

Here is how I am beginning to think of my life:
I am starting school in the fall with or without him in my life. There is no guarantee in life of other people being a constant. You just have to move on and hope that they miss you as much as you miss them. I think this year, although being my last in school, signals a new beginning in my life. Heck I have been through more in the beginning of 2013 than I ever imagined I would. It has made me stronger, along with many other things. No matter if a relationship ends with anyone, I know that I could never lose my compassion for others. I will never stop caring and I do not believe that I have to. Life is too short to hold grudges. Lord knows I have forgiven "him" for this whole situation. It does not matter what anyone else thinks about this situation. It is past time to think about myself and the decision I want to make. I will have to admit that it is hard to imagine going forward without him, because just a few short months ago I imagined we would take Chicago, or whatever big city we moved to, by storm. However that is not the case. I just wish people did not sell themselves so short. Life is too short to not strive for the life you want to live and the goals you want to accomplish. I honestly wish for him the best life I could ever imagine for someone, because although he hurt me, he deserves happiness, the same as anyone else.

Working out: Well I worked out one day when I was in Tennessee, not any others. :( I know shame on me. I am really committed to it because I hit the gym hard this morning. I am extremely terrified though that when I go back to school I will lose my motivation to go to the gym everyday like I have been this summer. I cannot lose my motivation to get in shape! I have to do it for me. I really am trying to take better care of myself. The problem I have now is sleeping at night. I do not know why it is so hard for me to fall asleep, even when I am exhausted. I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night. Not nearly enough for me to want to function off of, but that is life.

Tomorrow I have an orientation to volunteer at the local psych. hospital. Yeah I know barely a week left of summer and I am finally getting into there. I have been trying all summer, but the stupid paperwork for the state takes such a long time. I am really hoping to have a good week there and hopefully be able to go back during winter break when I am not working my holiday job.

Also would like to mention that I received a call from my hematologist to say that I am blood clot free and was able to discontinue taking my blood thinners two weeks ago. I am almost feeling back to my normal self. That was such good news. My mom calls it "Miracle #3" in my life, which I completely agree with. I am so lucky to be alive every day. There is no way that I will live the rest of my life not cherishing every moment.

I just found this quote, but I would like to close with it:

"The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye.
The story of love is hello and goodbye.
Until we meet again."
-- Jimi Hendrix



Monday, July 29, 2013

I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In

Oh where to begin.. Life happens way too fucking fast, lemme just say that.

"He" has been texting me the past couple days saying he is going to stop by my house on his way home from work because my house is between work and his house.. But he never does. Earlier today before he got off I texted him and told him that I would be home all afternoon and that he should stop by. I got ready and literally sat on my bed watching out of the window for 45 minutes hoping that he would pull up into my driveway to see me. Yeah so apparently I am not getting any better with this whole situation.

He called me tonight while I was doing homework. I looked over and saw it was him. Part of me hesitated to answer his call, but the other part of me (the more hopeful part) quickly answered and began talking to him. He said he would rather talk on the phone than through texting. It felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly in the heart every time he spoke, how I miss that (used to be) familiar voice. He did mention that woman he has been seeing quite a bit. He told me that he was actually starting to focus on himself and not worry about any situations. Just let them happen as they may. I told him that is what I have been doing this summer- focusing on myself. I could not dare be so honest to him and say it is hard to get out of bed, be motivated to do any work, or even love life without him. I do not want to make him feel guilty for me feeling this way. I am still so devastated by this all. It has only been a few months, but it feels like I have been feeling like this my whole life. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember what truly being happy feels like.

I was talking to a friend on Friday night and I just started screaming in the car how unfair it was that I feel like this and he does not and how he just gets to move on and be oh so happy in his new life. Well lah-dee-freaking-dah. I find myself wanting to hate him, but I just seem to hate myself more and more each day when I wonder why I cannot get over this.

I think there should be an institution for love rehab because I think it can be an addiction. I know that this post is extremely depressing, and I swear most days I am fine about dealing with it, but after tonight's phone conversation, I have not been able to focus on anything. I am actually going to watch "The Last Song" after I post this because I know it will make me cry.

After we got off of the phone I told him that I just missed him as my friend, I could not care about anything else. He responded by saying " a normal friendship lasts 2-3 years. Google it." I told him I believed that was stupid shit and that it did not have to be like that if people tried harder to maintain friendships.

The minute something becomes hard for him he walks away. It is almost like he hates being challenged. No one necessarily likes to work really hard on things which we feel should be easy, but damnit I am standing here willing to work.

He wrote this situation off a long time ago and just decided to "dump" me on the side of the road in March...

How can one person make you feel so useless? I sit around daily wondering what it is about me that he truly did not like. I am not one to be conceded, but seriously of every woman he has been with I believe I am the most sane and understanding/caring of them all. And I have my shit together the most too.

Well I am getting off of here to watch the movie. I will post soon enough, and I promise it will NOT be as depressing as this one!



Monday, July 22, 2013

I Dive Into Frozen Waves Where The Past Comes Back To Life.

I have been meaning to update my blog for a few weeks now. I went to see my psychologist the week before last. I am struggling to know what I believe in anymore. I brought up that I think my self-esteem is low anymore because of my situation, but he does not agree. He said that I know what I want, I have my head on straight, etc. I think I depended so long though on someone else's opinion of myself that it is extremely hard to know how I feel about myself, but I have realized that I do love myself. Sometimes I may not feel very loved, but it is only my fault for not showing myself how much I love me. I do not mean for that to sound conceded, because I may be a lot of things but conceded is not one of them. I just know that I have to start living for myself. I am making myself happy because there is not anyone in my life right now that is going out of their way to make me happy.

So I went on vacation last week. It was very fun and extremely relaxing. Thursday three people- all past men I have been involved with decided to text me. All in the same day, I know.. I just sat there like what the hell is going on right now!? You guessed it, one was "him".

I told myself earlier today that if I still feel the same exact way as I do at this moment in May 2014 when I graduate, I am not backing down without a serious fight. I just do not believe it is completely over. I would understand if there was no communication what so ever, but we became friends on Facebook again this week and we have been texting nonstop since Thursday. I honestly just want my best friend back. Sure I love him, but I am not even sure it is in a romantic way anymore. I know you are rolling your eyes as you read this thinking "God she talks about him enough, she has to still want to be in a romantic relationship with him." Well that is true, but I think before when we tried to be more than friends, we were not friends for long enough without adding romance into the equation. I would like a do over, but much slower this time.

In other news, one of my online classes is done at the end of this week. Thank goodness. I just want less on my plate. I know everyone is thinking "Oh you are not even working this summer you cannot possibly be that busy." Well these two classes are actually proving to be extremely time consuming. I have to complete six study guides tonight for my last exam on Friday at noon. I know that is partly my fault for procrastinating, but still it is a lot. Whether I spread it out or not.

I wish it would stop raining. It makes no sense, the days I wake up and want to spend all day outside are the ones when it pours like cats and dogs outside. The other beautiful days I sleep way in and then feel like crap the rest of the day because I am so tired!

Well it is time to start my study guides.

I PROMISE to those of you reading this on a regular basis, and just to myself, that I will update this more regularly these last few weeks of summer.


Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Deep Down You Know It's Best For Yourself

Well I just got home from my session with the psychologist. I do not know how long this post is going to be, nor do I really know what I want to talk about.

My psychologist agreed that it is time for me to walk away. He said I need to stop trying because I tried a relationship and that did not work and then I tried to be friends with "him" and that did not work either. So I am turning around and walking back to where I came from, metaphorically speaking.

I think I am trying to fight this so much because "he" tells me how much everyone in his life that he thought cared about him left and I wanted to desperately to prove him wrong. I wanted to be his saving grace, and I do not owe that to him. I do not need to be that to him. This hurts. It just happened in March, but I am in a hell of a lot better place than I was in March.

My psychologist also thinks that I am making good progress and that it will take a very long time to get completely over him, but I have set my boundaries and need to stick to them. I do not want to lower my standards or qualifications anymore than I already have.

I tried and this whole situation has nothing to do with me, although he always wants to make me feel like it is all my fault that it is never going to work out.

He can have as many girl friends as he wants, but he is never going to be in an actual relationship because he is too scared to truly be happy. He just wants to have sex with whom ever he pleases. I am so glad he spared me that situation.

Positive pep talks and encouragement are greatly appreciated from anyone. I know that I do feel better when I am reassured that there are people on my side willing to help/listen to me.

You know how you feel when you sleep way too long at night and you wake up feeling groggy and even more exhausted than if you had just woken up at your usual time? I feel like that.

I feel mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted from all of these feelings I have been feeling throughout this situation. It cannot be possibly this tolling on him as it is on me because I was emotionally invested in this situation.

I really doubt he knew when he found me and contacted me on FaceBook two years ago that we would have gone through all we have and ended up like this. This is certainly not the way I envisioned it. I was supposed to be the one breaking someone's heart this time.. I seem like I am always on the receiving end of that situation though.

I have realized that I am too nice. Now I usually do not think that there is anything such as "too nice", but I do however feel that I am being too nice in this situation. I need to toughen up and just take much longer next time to let someone in so easily. Everything moved way too fast these past two years and the outcome is awful.

I am done. I feel like a huge weight should be lifted from my shoulders automatically, but then I remember all of the emotion and time I invested in him. I guess that weight will slowly come off. I am not so sure now if I can make one of my summer goals to be over him. Maybe I can modify that goal to being over the situation and accepting it for what it is. I know he will always have a special place in my heart. I will always love him in some way, but some things just don't work out- and usually it is for the best.



Tuesday, June 25, 2013

It Was So Easy And The Words So Sweet.

My stomach is turning as I begin to write this post. So many emotions are swirling in my head. I just want to get them all out without seeming too crazy. If you're reading this just try to follow along as best as you can. Also this post is primarily written to "him", like usual.

I expected by summer I would have something else to talk about other than you, but I was wrong. I can honestly say (no matter how many times I have said it before) I am done. I have tried long and hard enough. Through various social media sites I am learning that I am not the first person to feel the way I do or go through what you have put me through and I won't be the last. It is past time for me to just sit back and soak in the hurt. I have tried to mask the hurt that I have been feeling for so long by trying to communicate with you. There is absolutely no point to it anymore.

I cannot apologize for the decisions that you have made, although I wish you would sincerely apologize to me and show me that you mean it, but I am afraid that will never happen. However I am sorry that you do not think you deserve a lot in life. I have no idea how it is to feel to unworthy or undeserving of someone in life. It must be an awful feeling, and one you will have to live with for quite some time. I do know that if I ever felt undeserving of someone that I claim to "love", I would do everything in my power to become worthy of him. That is something you have never done for me and will never do for me.

I am extremely vulnerable right now and being in any contact with you is just poisonous to my life. You are not going to do anything to me in life, except bring me down and make me feel bad for being privileged in life and having a wonderful family.

I have learned that I need to respect myself first. I think I always expected you to show me how I deserved to be treated, and hunny, I most definitely know that I deserve to be treated better than the scum on the bottom of someone's shoe. Yes that is exactly how you make me feel. "Oh Amy will surely be waiting for me in the wings when this next relationship/fling goes disastrously..."... Well guess what? I am not going to be there to pick up the pieces this time- I am sure you can find some other girl considering you say all the time "every girl falls in love with me". I am not the first foolish girl to love you and I am sure I will not be the last. I cannot sit here and wait for you to be ready and deserving of me, after all your words and actions are two completely conflicting things- you say "I love you, I want to be settled down with you next year... blah blah blah..", yet your actions show the opposite- you just want to put your dick in something, like a 36-year-old with two kids. Really? Well I am so glad I will not be used like that again. Thank you for sparing my emotions? You want something convenient, but on the other hand you want something real that will last? Maybe I am not the confused one here after all. I know exactly what I want/need.

I am done opening up my heart to a guy unless he's opened it up to me. It hurts my emotions and my heart way to much to keep getting played like this. This is the first time I ever thought I could die of a broken heart.

I made the mistake last time I saw you in person to tell you I love you. Well there will be no more "I love you"s because it is too hard for me to say or think about.

I am not volunteering any information anymore. If you feel the need to text me, go ahead, but I may not have the urge to text you back, after all you rarely return the courtesy.

Upon talking to my cousin about the situation I mentioned that my psychologist said that the ball is in my court now. In response to that my cousin stated "Take your ball to another court and throw it at another boy because the court you are on now is cracked and unplayable". She is 100% correct. I have quit your game. It is time for me to move on to another court, which is what you wanted in the end anyway- to push me away so much I stopped trying and walked away so you would not have to. It worked- asshole.

I was also given tips by my aunt. She said that it's hard to operate when someone else is in control of your life. I have to be in control of my life for it to work out how I want it to. I am going to start standing firm and strong and not let you get the best of me.

I am tired of feeling sorry for myself.
Most times I am going to need to give myself a pep talk, at least in the beginning- which I feel is completely understandable. I will wake up every morning and tell myself life goes on and I was given another day for a reason. God knows that I am strong, heck most people around me know how strong I am. I have lost sight of how much of a strong, beautiful, independent woman I have grown to be.

I think the most important part of this whole experience is that in the end, now that this is over, I still believe in love. Many people would think after all the heartbreak boys have put me through throughout the years I would give up on love or question its true existence- I don't. I know that love does exist because I have felt it before and when I felt it I was more alive than ever. I felt invincible. I could conquer the world as long as I had someone loving me by my side. Well I still believe I can conquer all of my dreams and most other things too now, even without anyone by my side. You know why? Because I am doing it for me now. No one else. I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else gets to have that power.

I know that it will be a struggle, but I am confident that with the love and support from my family and friends, and most importantly myself, I will be able to do this.

My (new) goals for the summer:
2.) Lose 20 pounds before school starts in August
3.) Get a B in my online Biology course
4.) Learn to cook a new Paleo dish
5.) Get off my blood thinners
6.) Be happy with myself
7.) Spend time with great friends
8.) Laugh as often as possible
9.) Memorize my jury pieces for the Fall
10.) Meet a new friend

These are only a few of my goals this summer. I tried to put the most important ones I could think of.

Well although I am dealing with a rather shitty situation in my opinion, I am alive today and feeling very blessed to be given a new fresh day to live.

Here's to only putting your efforts towards things that matter to you. No more wasted time or emotions. Cheers!



P.S. Two songs I can definitely relate to:

"Complicated" by Rihanna
"Clarity" by ZEDD

Friday, June 14, 2013

If You Were Here I Know It Would Drown You

Before I begin this post, I would just like to pretense it with this is all about "him", so if you are sick of hearing about "him" then the good part about it is that you don't have to.

After confessing everything to me a couple days and acting, what seemed like, distant to me ever since then, he called me today after I got done working out and asked if I wanted to meet for a late lunch. I just got home from hanging out with him. I feel so secretive now because we can't go to either of our houses because his sisters are really trying to protect me, but they do not want us to see each other. I know they are doing it for my own good, but I can handle my life and my choices on my own.

I've decided in life you're either breaking someone's heart or they are breaking yours. Life is all about just taking turns and going back and forth between these two. And whether you are on either end, it sucks. It hurts. I think that I have never felt like I have been on the "breaking someone's heart" side in my life, but I guess I have. I also have never thought about how much that can really affect the heart breaker. You both have invested time and effort into the situation, and if it did not hurt you to break something off with that person, then you never really cared for them in the first place. It can make you feel like a jerk and a terrible person, and that is something that I never want "him" to feel like. I am sorry if I ever made you feel like that.

I guess I just do not understand where it went wrong. Like you said earlier tonight, I do just keep reliving it over and over again in my head wondering what the hell happened to us- one minute I am going to sleep beside you and the next I sit beside you and feel like I barely know what you are thinking.

You commented in the car that I kept my sunglasses on the entire time. I think unconsciously it was my way from shielding myself from you. I love being surrounded by your company, I always have and I always will. Lately, however I seem to hate it. I think what I hate the most is myself. I hate that I still feel wrapped around your finger. I have let the events in your life consume my life. I think the reason why every time we have hung out recently I have brought our situation up is because I honestly do not know if I will ever see you again. It feels like I have been surrounded by death recently, I feel like every moment I spend with someone may be my last and I would hate to die and not have you know how I feel about you. I honestly hate fighting with you. I love you, but I hate talking about it over and over again. But I dwell so much on it when I am not with you, that I am beginning to take advantage of the precious time I have with you by talking your ear off about how I still feel. I need to realize that regardless of if I tell you how I feel or not, that you will still know. I think it is just mutually understood now, so no more time needs to be wasted talking about it.

I do not just want to be here for you when it is convenient and I do not think that is what our friendship is. We have both sacrificed for each other and have been there when it is not the most convenient. My injury earlier this year was not convenient thing for you to deal with at all, nor did you ask to be in the situation. You put yourself in that situation because you cared about my well being. It was never about what you got out of it.

To Me:
Amy, you seriously need to calm down. You need to stop being so self-absorbed and bitchy. If you ever want to share your life with someone it cannot be about you all the time, it has to be split between the both of you.

To Him (Again):
I think that is where I went wrong, I made things too much about me and not enough about you. If you were too tired, I thought to myself, "oh he'll sacrifice his well being if he loves/cares about me.", but it seems that I never did the same. Let's face it- I have a much less busy schedule than you. You have to work your social life around your job, and I on the other hand, was just absorbed in my social life. I think that I have not be considerate at all, and for that I am ashamed. I would never want anyone to be so inconsiderate to me- talk about a turnoff. I know that sometimes I need my space, why should I expect any less from anyone else? Everyone likes to be by themselves or not be on the go all the time. Everyone needs time to relax by themselves.

I know that this is going to sound so stupid and cheesy, but the only thing I ever want spent on me is time. I could care less about doing anything that involves monetary expenses. All I have ever wanted was someone to go walking in the park with, someone to come over and watch movies with me in my basement, and the most important thing I have ever wanted it just someone who genuinely cares about me and loves me. No money can ever buy the amount in which someone cares about another person. That's all I ever wanted or needed out of you, and you did show that by sacrificing your time, by blowing off the guys from work to come over, by sitting in the ER with my dad until 4:30am and then coming over exhausted the very next day, by waking up and holding me when I cried at night because I was afraid that I was so close to death- you never stopped caring. You still text me and tell me you wish I did not drink as much as I do because of my head. You. Still. Care.

You just have to figure out what is best for you, like I should be doing too. I never ever in a million years wanted to come on so strong that you felt like you needed to leave because you could not offer me what I needed/wanted. You showed me just what I was looking for- a person who cared and listened and I am so sorry that that has not been on my mind in such a long time. Before I ever met you, when we were clearly just friends, I would just appreciate that you would call me every evening and we would talk on the phone until 4 in the morning about life, just sharing and talking about anything and everything we could think of.

If I care about and love you as much as I claim to, I should start showing it by respecting your wishes. I know that you do not want to talk about the status of our friendship because it really does get old after the one hundredth time, doesn't it? I just hope that we hang out again soon, so that I can show you how much I have thought about just going back to the basics of our friendship. Before when we hung out, there was no talking about any of this, and we were having a blast, so why can't it just be like that now?

You said you wake up every day thinking that it is a new day- and you are right. I am going to start waking up in the morning knowing that whatever happened in the past is in the past for a reason. Every morning I wake up is another chance to do good; another chance to start over- a fresh canvas.

I always say that I fight for what I believe in and that is why I am fighting for this still, but I think the only person I am fighting with anymore is myself. Why? There is no reason to fight with myself. I have been trying to do things that make me personally happy. I have been working out everyday- although I feel I need to start pushing myself way more. I also need to start getting consumed in the music making process again- that is my true passion and I think I have forgotten that along the way these past few years. I have forgotten that music speaks for itself. Although I do find comfort in blogging about this, music just soothes the soul, doesn't it?

Well I know that if I died today, you would know just how much I care, but not necessarily because I have shown that to you recently. No wonder what, you think that I hate you. I just keep bringing up the situation and never let it go- almost as if to make you keep feeling terrible about yourself and what happened between us. We are just two people who did not work out, no one knows why, and it is okay to not know. It is okay to not have everything in life planned out. Just wake up every day and take one step at a time. Stop freaking out and getting carried away with life plans. Start looking at the people around you and start cherishing every moment that you have with them, not bringing up the past. It does no one good.

I think I have loved you in the past, only if it benefited me. Well it certainly is not benefiting me anymore, and I can honestly say through writing this and reflecting on things that I love you unselfishly now. I do not need to get anything out of it. I am happy for you and I hope that you do well on your journey to achieving ultimate happiness. I still see you as my best friend, because how couldn't I the way you have treated me this whole time?

You are the one person I want to talk to whenever anything happens in life- whether good or bad. That is you, and I never want that to change or be defined by our relationship status.



Wednesday, June 12, 2013

When You Walked Out That Door, A Piece Of Me Died

I really should start updating this a lot more considering I have A LOT to say! The last time I posted was the last time I went to the psychologist and today would be no different. I went and sought advice yet again- this time, unlike last time, more confused than ever.

Well where do I begin... I talked about setting boundaries last time. Well I have not set any boundaries... yet... See I'm not exactly sure I want them. Yes they would protect me, but by protecting myself isn't there a possibility that I am hurting someone else? Well on Thursday last week, almost a complete week ago I went to get my hair cut. I decided to text "him" and told him I was over by his house. I was, honestly, hoping it would spark some sort of conversation. Well we ended up going to dinner that night after I got my hair done. The hour previous, like all girls do at the hair salon, I had gabbed about him to my hairstylist. I mean I have to fill her in on my life! So when we are eating our meal, he decides to tell me about this new woman he has- well is involved with. It turns out she is 36 and has two children. I referred to her as his girlfriend and he said she wasn't. I then told him my thoughts about him never wanting to claim a girl as his girlfriend because it lets him off the hook of feeling responsible for anything, like the guilt of taking another girl (in this case, me) out to dinner. He claimed he was happy, so I guess I'm happy for him. I brought up the fact that everything that used to be with him seemed so distant for me, like I could barely remember at all being with him. I told him I felt numb. He said it did not feel like that long ago... He also mentioned that he could pretty much peg our relationship falling apart when I went on a date with another guy, who I went on ONE date with, mind you. "He" was never technically my boyfriend, so why was I supposed to feel obligated to be exclusive? I doubt he was. He also said he's felt like he's been fighting with his sister over me for so long that he finally gave up and said she could have me.

Saturday night I told my parents I was going to a bonfire, but I really ended up going to get coffee with him. It's not that I necessarily needed their permission or lie, especially since they knew I went to dinner with him earlier in the week- I just didn't want questions that I knew I couldn't answer. We basically made small talk the entire time. Nothing too important at all was said. We have talked on and off since then.

Then yesterday happened. I was working on homework at my kitchen counter, about ready to go play tennis when I get several text messages that read "I'm sorry if I hurt you Amy :(" "You're probably the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. You remember that... I was always too embarrassed to ever say it, but I don't want to live with it forever." "You were right in the car, everything did go by fast- one moment in my head I'm on your basement couch and the next you hate me?" I told him that I could never hate him, which is completely true. He replied "You are the most beautiful girl I ever had and I was so happy the first time I told you I love you...." He then said he doesn't want to hurt me anymore because he basically is not worthy of me.

Uh... what? I seriously felt like I was going to throw up. It was the feeling where you suddenly have a huge knot in your throat that won't go away.. I just sat there in my seat awkwardly laughing because I did not know how else to react. Every part of me wanted the movie ending: to jump in my car, drive over to his house, kiss him on the porch, and live happily ever after... IF ONLY that could ever be a reality for someone.

I asked my mom what I should do last night and she replied that she wished that I would not associate with him anymore, but then followed that by "But I know I would hate it if my parents ever told me who to love." I'm beginning to think that she understands. I mean more so than I ever thought she did. Her parents did not have a problem with my father's personality, aspirations, or beliefs, but they did not like the fact that my father has darker skin than they do. My mother's parents did not even attend her own wedding. I could not imagine not having my father walk me down the isle and give me away to the man I love and adore. I feel for my mom. I love her and my father so much. They have set an amazing example for me- 40 years of great marriage. I should not be too skeptical about this feeling they call "love", should I?

It is so hard for me to know what I want. I feel like my head and heart are telling me two completely different things. My head tells me to RUN AWAY!!!!! But my heart tells me that I still love him and would do anything for him and want to be with him. I compare my life scenario to Frogger right now.. I'm just trying to cross to the other side of the road and every time I think I'm one lane closer, a huge semi comes and SPLAT! runs me over and I have to start the journey all over again. I make such (what I think) is great progress and then I relapse into getting my hopes up again.

When I presented all of this material/confusion/crazy talk to my psychologist he said that I have a couple options:
1.) I can block him completely out of my life (phone, e-email, etc.)
2.) I can tell him that we can no longer speak because I am not ready for a friendship, but maybe in the future (and hope he obliges by not contacting me)
3.) If I go into this situation knowing that the best of what he has to offer might've already happened or I've already seen it, I could pursue a summer fling, BUT only with the intentions of it being over when summer is over. I do not expect it to remain, unless he's willing to make the effort when I go back down to school because school needs to be my number one priority when I go back down to Athens.

Oh I forget to mention this, but my psychologist said that the ball is NOT in his court, like I think it is; It is actually in mine. It is my turn to dictate how I want things to be, which means I need to figure shit out.

I have realized that I am scared of a lot of things. I think the reason why I am holding onto him so tightly is because I am honestly afraid that I will never feel this way about someone ever again. What if this is as good as life has to offer me? I am sure if I signed on for it again, it would be quite an adventure.

I have a really good friend and if anyone can relate to any of this nonsense and rambling it is her.

To her I say one of my favorite quotes from the movie P.S. I Love You "Thing to remember is: if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."

 I know that this may be rock bottom for me, but I sure as hell am glad that I have someone reaching their arm down to help lift me out of this place I am in. Sometimes I just feel like I'm suffocating, gasping for air at every chance I get- I am trying to stay afloat and not let the current drown me.

I haven't exactly decided what I want to do for the rest of the summer, but one thing I do know is that if the world ended today I just hope he knows that I love him.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Why is Everything with You so Complicated?

It's complicated: two simple words that can have a huge story behind them. I went to my therapist yesterday and that is what we discussed. I'm feeling as though everything in my life is very complicated.

I've always deserved better than I have ever received. Although I feel like it is sometimes, it is never my job to "fix" people. What does that even mean anyway? They're obviously not physically broken. How can I fix something that cannot be seen? I can't. How can I especially change or fix something that the person, he, himself, is not able to see. Denial never got anyone anywhere.

We also discussed how important patience is. What's that saying? "Patience is a virtue"? Well patience needs to become a necessity in my life. Hanging out with people in my life who are trying to coax me into moving on too quickly or trying to find a replacement are not people I need to be surrounding myself with. If I was going out and making terrible decisions with multiple people, then you would have to worry about me, but taking my good old time is OK. The healing process, whether it's mending a broken heart or the grieving of a loved one, takes time and there is absolutely no reason to be rushed.

The doctor also mentioned the importance of boundaries. Boundaries, not only keep people at a distance (if you want them to be), they also help keep yourself in check. We discussed that right now I am in a vulnerable stage and there is really no need whatsoever to come in contact with certain people. I am not completely over the situation and until I am, I will still be tempted into those situations that hurt me before. That old saying "If you fool me once, shame on you. If you fool me twice, shame on me." It would be totally devastating to have to relive a tragic event, wouldn't it? Well that's why when we see history beginning to repeat itself, we need to steer clear and not get caught up in the moment, thinking or assuming it will somehow be different this time.

I also talked about needing to prioritize. Priorities? What the hell are those? I feel like I've really had no priorities for such a long time. It's way past time I start focusing on school again. I got extremely far behind in my school work this week, and because of that today and tomorrow are going to be terrible days, including reading 120 pages of a book and writing a paper over it. Procrastination can not get the best of me this summer. I won't let it!

I am going to try to call the local psych ward again to see if I can volunteer there, because I was supposed to be getting that paperwork rolling, but I was never gotten back to, and sometimes in life if you want things done, you have to take matters into your own hands.

I am extremely excited to see my sister this weekend and celebrate her birthday with my parents in Cincinnati; I love that city, oh and I love seeing my sister too, of course!

I have been helping out with my local tennis camp this week since my high school coach asks current students and alumni back to help teach the grade school-aged kids from the community. I felt great yesterday during the day, but towards night I felt terrible. Maybe it was the sun? I was having headaches on and off all day and severe stomach pain. I did not physically get sick, but it wouldn't have surprised me if I had! The last substantial thing I ate yesterday was a turkey sandwich at 3pm. I was not sure I would be able to help out with the camp this morning, but I decided to suck it up and help. I still have not eaten anything today really. I had a CLIF protein brownie and a slushy my mom brought me after she ran errands. I just do not have an appetite. I was doing so well with eating right and working out everyday too! But I was not able to go yesterday or today because I've felt too lousy. I am hoping to get back into my workout routine as soon as I can!

It's almost Friday! :)

Sunday, May 26, 2013

I've Been Out On That Open Road..

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. I guess I've just been busy... Yes, even though I don't have a job I manage to stay busy. I'm doing well in my online summer classes, but this week I need to focus more on school work. I am also happy to be going shopping for the first time since I've been home- I could really use some retail therapy.

I had a close friend that was supposed to visit me this weekend. I have not heard from him after multiple attempts to contact him via phone and Facebook. All I hope is that he is okay. I've also tried contacting another friend who I am extremely close to. I've texted her about every other day for about a week. The last text I sent her was "I do not understand why you're ignoring me." She recently became close with her ex-boyfriend, and I swear if she leaves me AGAIN like she did in high school for him, I do not think I can be friends with her any longer. What makes this time different than before with him? He miraculously changed? Well he has changed because he became a FATHER after you broke up because he got a girl pregnant and they moved in together and now they split up and he wants you now? Well you have to also want his kid that he has now! It's hard because we've been friends for so long, but I know it's just not right for me to keep being a revolving door for her.

In other news, I went to the doctors this past Friday and he said that I will need blood work done this Wednesday because I have been feeling tired lately; maybe an Iron deficiency? He also said he expects me to remain on blood thinners until July and then I will get an MRI/MRV to see the status of the clot in my head. I am happy to hear that I will most likely be off blood thinners in July, but I'm even happier all my results came back from January (I know it takes FOREVER, right?) and I do NOT have the inherited clotting disorder! This was a major concern for me.

For him:
In other news, I heard you no longer have a relationship with your new live-in girlfriend. You kicked her out. I hear you have a new one though that works with you. I want to know what's so wrong with me that you can already be on your second girl and I'm still hung up on you?! For as much progress as I've made these past few weeks, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I would like to apologize for confronting you at the gas station. I just knew it might be my only chance to see you and I had to say something. I thought it would help, but it's just made me think about you even more. Friday night, driving to your house to pick your sister up gave me severe anxiety- I almost had to turn the car around. We texted last night for an hour back and forth laughing about memories we made together. You randomly texted me today, no idea why, but you did. You're having back surgery on Tuesday and I cannot stop hoping and praying that everything will go well for you. I want more than anything for you to stop having to worry about your back and be in constant pain all the time.
I cannot forget the hurt that you caused me, it's effected me too much. I'm just using it as a learning experience. What I can do however is forgive you. I have to. It's not going to do me any good if I hold a grudge against you for the rest of my life. I do not have any hope that anything will come out of texting each other, no relationship or even friendship for that matter. I will not let myself be surprised at anything that happens because nothing phases me anymore.

I can actually thank him for inspiring me to become healthier. Not really for any other reason other than proving to myself that no one's going to love me unless I love myself. So I must start with myself. I also need to prove to myself that I am stronger than I think I am. I have worked out everyday for the past two weeks and I feel great! This summer I am going to put together a book of great recipes from my mom and the internet. I've also decided to go Paleo when I go back to school and start back to CrossFit. It's easier than the diet I am on now.

Since it's Memorial Day, I take the time, especially now, to remember all of the people who have passed away in my life and the US armed forces who died fighting for my freedom and those still alive, stationed across the world. I sincerely thank you for your service.
When I went to visit the graves of the only grandparents I was old enough to remember one day during Spring Break in March, I just stood over their graves and wept. I just recently saw my paternal grandparents' graves last weekend when I moved my furniture into my house down at school. As much as people say it's hard to imagine their lives without so and so, it is extremely difficult to imagine a life with my grandparents watching me graduate high school and college, or even know I was born. It's not that I do not wish for that or get jealous of friends or classmates who have that, I just have never experienced that so I can not fathom it. That would be a dream world. I do have memories of my mother's parents from early in my life, but none of my father's. I remember when I was a little girl, I used to ask my parents if my grandparents would be proud of the little girl I was. Well even though I do not know the personality of two of my grandparents, I live almost everyday striving to make them and my parents proud. I have lost many other family members over the years, whom I love and think about often. I've always loved seeing and being surrounded by family ever since I can remember.

My families are both older than most other people's that I know. My cousins on my dad's side are all closer to my dad's age rather than mine or my sister's age. Being surrounded by death at such a young age is just not fair. It doesn't get easier to deal with over time. Within the past two weeks, two of my high school classmates, who graduated a year after me, have passed. One from a motorcycle accident and the other from health complications. I will never understand how God (I do believe in God, I just hate religion sometimes. I do not know if I identify solely in one) chooses the way he does. Is he choosing the person because he needs them where he is or is he choosing the person because he wants to prove to us still on Earth that we're stronger than we think? What I do know is that it does help to know you are not alone in the grieving process.

I have to be completely honest: I fear death. I don't think this is an irrational fear, but it's one I don't like to discuss often. Sometimes I think about one day I won't be here on Earth anymore either, and I wonder what it feels like. I just fear what happens next so much. It's the unknown. The unknown is scary to most people. I also have never really thought about what I think happens to people when they pass. I go to my family members' graves, seeking some sort of solace, but I know it's not there. They are not there. It's just their bodies, not their souls. Their souls are somewhere else, perhaps soaring high above.

Speaking of souls, I've been thinking a lot lately about my beliefs of "soul mates". I have to believe that there is one person somewhere in the world that I am "destined to be with" for the rest of my life, but I can't live my life waiting for him to walk into my life. I'm not bringing back my huge list of requirements that I made a few years ago, but I do think the most important aspect of him that I need, especially right now, is someone who cares about and respects me as equally as I do him. I do not think that is too much to ask for.

Friday, May 10, 2013

There is a Purpose

Happy Friday! Although it's Friday and I've been home now for almost a week and I do not have a lot accomplished, I'm sure I will have more to show for myself when the summer is over.
I went grocery shopping yesterday and am getting back onto the diet I was doing a few weeks ago. I stopped it because I honestly became lazy and didn't feel like taking time to measure things out. I did not inherit the best genes when it comes to health and fitness, and that means I just have to work harder for what I want. I will achieve the goals that I have set for this summer because I owe it to myself. I am not weak, I am a strong woman. I won't let anyone or anything make me feel powerless.

I have to thank my friends and family. These past few weeks have been a struggle mentally and emotionally, but I will reach my goals with the love and support I've received from them. They always shower me with positive comments and they still believe in me, even though for a while I had given up on myself. I'm slowly beginning to see my worth again. My confidence and self-esteem will not be crushed.

A dear friend has been in touch with me recently and he is going to come visit me in a few weekends. I couldn't be happier to have a little bit of Athens visiting me here in my hometown. I'm sure we'll be able to have some adventures during his time here.

I called the psychologist office today and made an appointment for next Thursday. I'm excited, but nervous. :)

As I type this post, I hear thunder outside my bedroom window. I've always loved sitting on the front porch during a thunderstorm. I feel like it's the perfect picture- the ideal life: sitting on the porch, rocking in a chair, reading a book with a glass of iced tea on the table beside me. One day I'll have someone to share that scene with me.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Not Really Sure How to Feel About it

Well Monday I found out some pretty interesting news. Isn't it funny how things in life can change within- what seems like- a matter of minutes?!

It's hard because I can't remember anything about the way I felt before you came into my life two years ago. Someone asked me the other day if I really did love you, and I know I did because I can't remember how I felt about the person I thought I loved before you. When I saw him the last time, I tried to remember what it felt like with him, but I couldn't. I can't think of any way I feel, except for when I'm with you. I always felt more alive than ever. Everything we did and every moment I have saved in my head was an adventure.

I think that's why it's so hard to be home for the summer. Every little thing here reminds me of you. Today I heard the song "Fancy" by Drake and all I could do was laugh at the memories associated with that song with you and shake my head. Yup that's right,  all I can do is laugh, especially at this situation. There are no more tears that I can shed over you. You don't deserve them, nor did you ever. You clearly moved on, and you know what? That's fine by me because the girl you moved on to is nothing like me. So if she's the kind of girl you're looking for, I'm glad you stopped stringing me along longer than you already had. 2 years was quite enough. I'm glad you realized I was too good for you before I did, you saved me the trouble and waste. I'm glad you finally found what you were looking for. Clearly it was a live-in, mooching girlfriend. I hope to God you are happy, because I know I'm getting there. It's weird when you not only spend time with someone, but they slowly start to become your best friend. He/she is the one you want to call or talk to when anything happens in your life- you used to be that for me. Once she came in, that quickly stopped. Actually once she moved in with you, you completely stopped communicating with me altogether, which I expect. I obviously think she's a charity case; you probably claim you can change her. Well hunny, I got news for you: You cannot make someone change if they don't want to change or see they need to change. What do you think I tried to do with you? I thought I could be superwoman and "fix" you and all your baggage and heartaches from the past. Well I couldn't do it, and I shouldn't have to. You made your baggage mine and tried to make it my problem too. Well it's not. Don't get me wrong, I have sympathy to a certain extent, but not when it gets in the way of having a functioning relationship.

I messaged you on FaceBook the other day hoping you would respond so we could meet in a neutral place and talk so that I could get some closure and move on, but the message was read, just never replied to. I'm gonna be okay. You didn't make me feel any way that I felt the past couple years- I let myself feel that way. No one forced me to care about you. Actually everyone told me how much I shouldn't give two shits about you because you never had any regard for my feelings, clearly.

Enough about you, I've already given "you" too much of my energy AND time, of which you have deserved NONE.

I told my parents the other day I wanted to see a psychologist again like I did in high school, clearly they don't understand. Then my mom began giving me her point of view about the situation. How are you supposed to get advice from people who are bias towards you? They finally agreed, so I'm going there sometime soon- hopefully next week.

Anyway this summer is for me. It's the last summer I have as an undergrad. I'm not spending/wasting it on people that I don't matter to. I am also not going to be spending my spare time doing things I don't want to do. This summer is for me to become healthy in body and mind. This summer is my chance- it'll never be the "right" time in life and I may not ever get another chance, no one knows what tomorrow holds, so I'm becoming a better, healthier person for me. I live for no one else anymore, but myself. No more will I ever let someone influence my life and happiness. Not ever again.