Monday, December 30, 2013

Change Your Mind... Let Go Too Soon..

I hope you all had a Blessed Christmas and were able to spend time with loved ones this holiday season.
What terrible blogger would I be if I did not make the cliche "Reflecting on the Past Year" post the day before New Year's Eve.

Looking back I cannot even believe I made it through all of the circumstances that I survived this year. Not that my college career is coming to an end in 2014, I can reflect on many things, including my college experience.

Let's start with this past year.
There were many humps this calendar year beginning in January 2013. In the beginning of January while I was still on winter break my mom went into the hospital. The night that she went into the hospital I spent the night at "his" house. I remember waking up in the morning to a call that was unfamiliar so I did not answer it. When I listened to the voicemail it was my mom saying she was admitted into the hospital late that night after I left home. I could not believe it. I was leaving to go back to school that day. I made my way over to the hospital with my dad and visited her for a little bit. It was so hard leaving my mom in the hospital when I headed back down to school. Little did I know that was not my only visit to the hospital this year, or even that month.

The second week back in the semester I started to have a headache. I sought help at our campus care, which did nothing. When it kept persisting I went to the local clinic, who said it was just a tension headache and prescribed muscle relaxer. I then went to the emergency room. I count my lucky stars everyday because without my persistence in getting adequate medical treatment I would not be alive today. I had developed a blood clot in my head from using birth control. After 4 days in the hospital I was released and came home to live with my parents for a few weeks. That is right I was on medical leave from the university for three weeks. Luckily I had "him" here to take care of me. He stayed with me almost every night and when he was not working he was spending time with me. It seemed so wonderful to have him, especially given the circumstance. It upsets me often because I know that in such a traumatic time in my life "he" will always be associated with that.

In February, things did not prove to be so sweet between the two of us. What turned out to essentially be two best friends with benefits was never okay with me. I would like to repeat that: NEVER okay with me. I know you are thinking- "Amy if that was not okay with you why did you do it?" Well he was the first guy in my life to really show interest in me who I thought was attractive. For some reason I still find him very attractive. On the outside, and maybe some of the inside, he is the perfect man for me. Well anyway, in February I turned 21. He did not come out with me on my birthday, even though he took the whole week off of work. We got in a fight because he had another girl spend the night at his house and when I confronted him about it at his house one night things were never the same from then on. So my 21st birthday I spent crying for a little bit, especially because he texted me to say he left my gift under the tire of my car for me. It was all I could do to open the card and read it and look at the gifts, even though they were little stupid things. I just have never understood how he can claim to love me so much, yet not treat me with the respect and courtesy that I have always thought I deserve. Sure I am difficult to get along with sometimes due to my moodiness, but who isn't?

Well that night changed our relationship forever. When I went back to school the third week of February I began using this app called "Tinder". It was like a "hit it or quit it" app. I found a guy on there who had his masters and worked for the university. He took me out for coffee and then spent the night with me. Nothing happened between us. He tried to hang out with me the next night, but I blew him off because I could not stop comparing him to the "him" from home. I really regret that because he was a great guy.

When I came home for Spring Break I ended up spending 7/10 nights at home with "him", having sex and acting like a couple. When I went back to school all was well. We still talked and what not and I really thought that he would come around and finally be able to commit to me. Well boy was I wrong. When I came home two weekends later to see my high school's musical I went over to his house afterwards and he told me that he had been dating another girl. I knew they were friends, but I never thought anything would happen between them because I trusted him, imagine that? And no this was not the same girl he had spend the night in February two days before my birthday. So I was, of course, devastated and wanted to leave, but before I could I started bawling my eyes out. I remember him saying "So you're crying because I have a girlfriend?" Oh boy did he have a way with words? I replied that I was crying because none of it was worth it anymore. He clearly did not want to be with me and I understood now. He then held me while I bawled my eyes out. I have never felt so vulnerable and weak before in my life. It was the reality I was trying to escape for the longest time. He also had the audacity to ask me if I wanted to have sex with him that night.... Like uhhhhh how about no?! So I left and went back to school with a broken heart.

I finished the school year the best I could, always contemplating spending the summer in my hometown or down at school. If I came home I had the chance of running into him and I really was already embarrassed enough. So when I came home the first thing I did was start seeing a psychologist to try and process all of the junk that I mentioned above, as well as I had known "him" for a whole year before all of this. I have spent the past 2 New Year's Eve's with "him".

Then I started my blog, and if you want to hear about all the other shit that has happened since then in detail read my other posts. But to sum it up, I started working out and caring about myself a lot more, although I would still give in and see him sometimes and I still maintain a relationship with one of his sisters. I slept with two other people since then.... Blah blah blah I stopped working out.... blah blah blah... read my other posts. I am happy to say I have not talked to him since the last week of July. That is a huge accomplishment for me. It is still hard almost everyday to suppress the urge to text, call, or message him on Facebook.

Well that brings me to this moment at 4:45pm on December 30, 2013. There are so many things I have tried to hold onto for so long, including the thought of a future relationship with "him". That is never going to happen. I am not going to wake up one day and him not hate me. Nor will I wake up one day and forget the hurt and pain that he caused me. I still love and care about him deeply, but there can never be another us. That is just not a possibility. I want totally different things for my life than he does. I want to escape our hometown, I want to change the world and make a difference. The best part about that is I CAN! I am young, single, and not tied down.

Sure the thought of graduating in a short 5 months is terrifying beyond belief. If I was not afraid of change I would be some sort of superhuman. But the way I look at it this year I survived a blood clot in my head and the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced in my entire life. I am still alive and breathing for a reason. There were many low times this past year that I thought I was not going to make it because I felt so heartless and shattered. I know I still have many more of those days ahead of me, but it is getting better. Everyday is one day better because it is one more day I have on Earth to do what I have planned for myself. I will accomplish all of my goals.

This year I got out of a bad situation, whether it was by choice or not, I did. And to top it off I survived. I'm no less of "Amy" than I was when I started.

The year 2014 signifies to me a beginning. It is the beginning of my adventure on my own- no parents supporting me financially, no ties to any place in particular, nothing. As a good friend of mine recently made a post about being "vulnerable", I cannot help but second that. I am going to embrace the vulnerability that comes with new adventures. I cannot wait to see where life takes me. If I meet someone along the way, then hey, that's wonderful. If not, it just was not meant to be.

I feel like I have never really felt "loved" by someone I was in a relationship with. I know that I have loved and can show love, but they have not. "He" told me he loved me, but he also ditched hanging out with me a lot, and hurt me emotionally. I do not have that much of a skewed sense of love to think that that is what it is. Because it is not. Knowing that you are loved means feeling unconditional support for whatever decisions you make in your life, it is knowing that someone is always in your corner either fighting for you or making sure you did not get beat up too badly. I know how I felt about him, but he has a skewed sense of how he felt about me. He never loved me or else he would not have done this to me. I know, I know, I let him do this to me. What is that quote? "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Well he could have been a decent human being. He has the power to act however he wants. I cannot control him or his feelings, no matter how much I may want to just shake him to make him realize he gave up the best thing he would have ever had.

So as I approach New Year's Eve not having anyone to kiss at midnight for the first time in two years, I am okay with that. I need to kiss myself, love myself starting this year. I am always surrounded by people who care about, love, and support me. I do not need the clock to strike midnight for me to be appreciative of that or excited for my future to come.

I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!



Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I Know I Drive You Crazy, But Would You Rather That I Be A Machine?

I find it the most hard to not think about "him" when I am driving home from work late at night. There is barely any cars on the road, no noise. Life has finally slowed down. My brain is not distracted by all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. Life is hard.

I was just giving advice to a close friend yesterday about her relationship issues. I always wonder why my friends come to me- like when have I ever had a somewhat successful relationship? Oh NEVER. I guess they trust me and think I have good judgement, OR they just want someone to listen to them, and I never turn them down to complain to me. I get that. I am like that too. I wish I talked more about it. Most people would say I am a pretty open and honest person, but not to myself. And not about a lot of things. I tend to keep things really bothering me to myself. 

I am so exhausted. I am working 35+ hours this week and I have yet to start a paper that I got an extension on that is technically due on Friday at midnight. I would be okay if I did not work 6.5 hours today and have to be out of town ALL day tomorrow... and then I work Friday morning as well. I am just so tired not only physically, but mentally. I am looking forward to Christmas being over. My favorite part about the Christmas season is the snow and seeing my family and I will still be in town after Wednesday, AND there will also still be snow on the ground. I do not really care about the presents this year, I just want a break from school. I cannot wait until I am done in May. It cannot come soon enough. I am VERY excited to start my internship, but the whole process of applying IS quite overwhelming I have to admit. 

Growing up is hard. I understand Peter Pan now as I am older. I find it so weird how when I was younger I wanted nothing more than to grow up and now that I am legally a "grown up" I would do anything to go back to being 5 years old again. There are probably many things I would do differently. I would have tried harder in high school and in college to get better grades. I would make different relationship choices, not only in guys I chose but also friendships I chose to spend time on.

Well I have to leave for work in half an hour, but I figured it would be best if I update this as much as possible.



Saturday, December 14, 2013

Mama Said You're a Pretty Girl, What's In Your Head, It Doesn't Matter

Well I am finally home for Christmas break..

To be honest I do not know how I feel bout it. I know it is good for me to get out of the stressful environment that is school, but at least it was something to distract me. After I got off of work last night I talked to my mom for about half an hour about the counseling sessions that I have been having and some of the things I was talking to my counselor about specifically. My most favorite part about being home is getting to hug my mom whenever I want to. She always has and always will be my safe place. Although she can be a bit naggy at times, I know that she only wants what is best for me. It truly is hard to explain to anyone why I still feel like this. My mom said it is okay to talk about it, but to not give the situation power over me, which I know is what I have been doing. 

Who says I have to still let myself get so down about this? The only person who is saying it is me. The only person who is having a hard time believing in me is ME! I feel like I am always saying how slow of a process this is for me, but it really is. I think in the long run I will be thankful that I am going through all of these processes now and being by myself for an extended period of time. It is helping me to learn who I want to be and how I want to feel, act, and think about many aspects of my life. 

I have decided next semester is MINE and no one elses. I am going to do the things I love to do. I am so thankful I decided to sign up for weight lifting classes- I think it will be an awesome time. I am also looking forward to my workout dates with a close friend on days that I do not have weight lifting class.

I will begin to slowly start eating Paleo again, or as close to it as possible. I really do not eat that much grain anyway so I do not think it will be that hard. I just need to believe in myself and really focus on changing a lot of bad habits that I have both mentally and physically.

I am not freaking out about internships as much as I was in the middle of this semester. I filmed one of my audition videos on Wednesday night and it went really well. So well that afterwards I went out to the bar and got drunk... Whoops.. Actually not whoops. I really like this guy and I am so happy he agreed to go out to the bar with me. I really had not had a conversation with him for an extended period of time, so the beginning of our bar conversation was a little awkward, but not for very long. I just feel so bad that not a lot of people like him. I feel even worse that he is aware of it. I feel better however that he does not seem to mind it. I do not have class with him next semester like I did this semester, but I hope that we are able to hang out more next semester.

I am also very grateful for some of my close friends who are a year younger than me in college who helped me in various classes. They were the best study buddies this semester, although nothing can compare to my best friend of 10 years who, if she was on campus this semester, would have been THEE most motivating person I have in my life. Anyway, those few individuals are very special to me. One in particular whom I have a crush on. He is just an awesome person and lives life with an easy going attitude. He is one of the most intelligent and, at times, opinionated people I know, but I admire him for his such strong beliefs. I had the pleasure of having about three classes with him this semester and I regret not becoming friends with him before this year. He never judges me, no matter how sketchy some of my decisions proved to be this semester. Although I did not get to say goodbye to him before I left, I texted him to let him know how grateful I am we became friends and that he got me through most of my classes. He is truly a great person and I feel honored to call him a friend.

As I reflect on this part semester, I know there is always room for improvement in my grades and other aspects, but I feel that I did very well this semester especially given my emotional state. This serious of depression is never something I have had to deal with prior to this year. I have always been a pretty happy, funny, outgoing girl, which I still consider myself. I just struggled a lot to get out of bed in the morning. I am done being afraid of life. I think these past few months I have spent my time being so afraid of getting my feelings hurt that I try to not get attached to anyone. I have been floating between a lot of different groups of people and have also been getting very angry at people whom I consider myself close to. 

I do not usually say I regret things I do in life but the things I did not do. When I had lunch earlier this week with a close friend we talked about many things. She is younger than me and I wanted to comfort her in her decision to remain abstinent. I told her I did not wait and it was with someone whom I am not going to end up with, and for me that is hard. I think that was a wrong choice for me, but that being said I can not go back and undo it, so I have to learn how to deal with it and my emotions on my own and learn how to make myself happy. She found herself relying on a man to help her decide how to feel about herself for a long time too and that is just NOT what us women need to do. 

I think for such a long time I was desperate to feel the love that I know I give others and also see in movies that I never really thought about how I viewed myself. I do not need a man to validate my feelings about myself, sure there are certain things I do not like about myself- my weight being one of them. But if I do not like that about myself, that is something I need to change for myself, not anyone else. I have been shown I can be loved no matter what the size of my pants, if not by others, by myself FIRST.

I always think life would be so much easier right now with someone to help me through all these rough times, but it would probably be better to get into a better place like a career and such before I add anyone else into the equation because then I will not be struggling so much with the whole lost college student thing. There is still plenty of life ahead of me, and no matter who I end up with, they already have a story and life. It does not just begin the minute they meet me, just like mine has already started without him. Look at everything I have been through this past calendar year, clearly my world is spinning spinning spinning round and round without him yet.

I have always felt so blessed to have such an amazing family. My friends are a close second and are my family away from home. They bring out the good in me and help me to realize that there are awesome qualities that I possess.

On another note, I think I am going to begin to distance myself from the certain "him"'s family members. I mean I am friends with most of them online, but I do not think I will be hanging out with his sister very much over break. I just thought about us hanging out and that all I would ask her about was him, and that is just not healthy for me anymore. I need to hang out with her without having the compulsion to speak about him and know all the details of his life without me. The only thing I want to hear is that he is miserable without me and talks about me all the time and misses me, but that is never something I will hear, especially not from his sister who is always trying to protect me and my feelings. Not to mention she just wants me to move on already.

Many of my friends are trying to pressure me into telling a few guys that I might be interested in that I like them. I hesitate because it does not matter to me right now. I like hanging out with them and how it is going at the moment, there is no need to bring that aspect into our friendships. I know that I am better off not being in a relationship right now because I have never been too good at the relationship aspect of my life. Well not in terms of like boyfriends. I just have not had good luck and I know that is a reflection on me and something that I must be doing "wrong". I know there is technically no "right" or "wrong" to relationships, but there is just some aspect of myself that I am missing, maybe because I am looking for someone else to find it and tell me what it is. That is not how to should be. Like my mom said last night, I need to be 100% before I look for a man because you cannot succeed when you are looking for the other person to fill in the percentage that you are missing. You also cannot be the percentage to complement another person either. You should not expect that of them and they should not expect that of you.

Please bear with me as I reflect more over this holiday break when I can collect my thoughts and clear my mind.



Saturday, December 7, 2013

Hello Hello Can Can You Hear Me?

Today is hard. This week is hard. Life is hard.

Today apparently pushed me past my breaking point.

So I desperately needed to update this.

Remember the "him" I talked about from high school a long time ago? The one who awkwardly kissed me and is just awkward now every time I see him? Well when I was home for Thanksgiving break guess what happened? I went out with my cousin and got fairly drunk. He texted me and wanted to see me. So he came over after I got home from the bar and we had sex. It seems so weird now because I was pretty drunk. I do not even remember talking to him that much. It just seemed like a legit "booty call".. which I guess it was since it was 3am. The worst part about that whole situation is that I have absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever. That is not something I have ever experienced. I imagined that if I ever had sex with him there would be a connection because of how strong my emotions were for him. I mean I "loved" him after all, which as I have said earlier it was never really love, not compared to how I felt about the "Him" that I have been dealing with getting over since April...

I was supposed to go to Columbus last night to go a date with a 28-year-old man that I met when I went there to see Justin Timberlake a few weeks ago. I decided not to go, mainly because I have so much to do before finals this coming week. Luckily he understood and still wants to see me, although I am not sure if I feel the same way.

There is also this other "him" that I maybe like. Who knows... I will explain that in a later post...

So tonight... what happened tonight?.... well good question.. I was okay for most of the day, but then something happened and I got so upset around 8:30pm and I have not gotten over it yet. I have been feeling stressed out these past few weeks anyway, but today I was just pushed to my emotional breaking point.

I have been so mad and angry at "him" from the past two years, that it is really hard to mask it. As much as I am angry and upset at "him" I have been even more so angry and mad at myself for feeling like this still. It has been about 8 months and I still feel so many emotions about it. I hate myself for still feeling this way about him. I try to escape these feelings, but the only way I know how to is to sleep. He is not something I can run away from anymore when I am awake, he is forever in the back of my mind. Why? He made me feel bad for being such a good person.. Why do I love someone who makes me feel like that? Being a caring and genuine person is not a characteristic about myself that I am ashamed of. I love that about me. I truly see the good in everyone, especially "him", even though he was clearly an asshole most of the time.

I have been so ashamed that I still feel like this that I have bottled it up for as long as I could. I exploded and talked about him and my raw emotions tonight to one of my very dear friends while we were doing homework/studying for finals. I wanted to cry, but I had to hold it back. For me personally, crying has always been a sign of weakness. Not when I see other people cry though- it just lets me know that they have emotions too. I do not like to cry, because that means that I am having feelings that are not being controlled. Losing control and the unknown is a scary thing for me. I do not do well with change, obviously. I held back my tears as long as I could. When I got home tonight, my roommate offered me a hug because she knew how stressed out I was. I said no at first because I know that once I hug someone when I am in such a fragile emotional state I will breakdown, but then without hesitation I took back the "no" and immediately thrust myself into her arms for a hug that I have needed for a long time. A caring hug. Not a stiff hug like I give almost everyday to someone when I see them for the first time in a long time or a hug I say when I am leaving a friend at the end of the night. This hug was, what felt like at the time, the most caring hug I have ever received. She held me while I sobbed and snotted into and on her sweatshirt. I feel so grateful for her, because as much shit as I have put her through lately with being so moody, she was there. She IS here. She is the one that hugged me, not all the other things and people in my life who stress me out. I apologize to her on here and in person because I have been a real asshole to live with lately because of all these emotions I am not expressing in productive ways.

I am also really mad at myself because I know this is not me. Within two years I have lost my virginity, and had sex with two other people. The two other people I have had sex with have only been one night stands. That is not who I am. I know it is not, but I feel like I have just put so much into relationships in my past that I have nothing left to give emotionally. I do not want to, but I just see some guys as a something to have sex with, which is TERRIBLE I know. I am just numb. I cannot let myself get attached because clearly it does not end well. It is so much easier to walk into a bar and have multiple guys want to dance and be with me physically than try to work on a relationship outside of that. Being in a bar in that situation lets me feel physically attractive again- like it is actually possible for another man to be attracted to me.

I know that life does go on and I know that this is just a hump that I have to get over and it will not be solved tomorrow, but oh how I wish it could be. Wouldn't life be so much easier if I could wake up and forget about "him"? But it cannot, so I will deal with it the best I can, which right now means blogging about it, talking to a few choice friends about it, crying on my friends shoulders (in moments of weakness), and talking to my counselor about it.

I hope life is treating you well readers. Thanks for reading. I hope some of you can relate and not feel so alone in this big ole world.