Monday, July 29, 2013

I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In

Oh where to begin.. Life happens way too fucking fast, lemme just say that.

"He" has been texting me the past couple days saying he is going to stop by my house on his way home from work because my house is between work and his house.. But he never does. Earlier today before he got off I texted him and told him that I would be home all afternoon and that he should stop by. I got ready and literally sat on my bed watching out of the window for 45 minutes hoping that he would pull up into my driveway to see me. Yeah so apparently I am not getting any better with this whole situation.

He called me tonight while I was doing homework. I looked over and saw it was him. Part of me hesitated to answer his call, but the other part of me (the more hopeful part) quickly answered and began talking to him. He said he would rather talk on the phone than through texting. It felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly in the heart every time he spoke, how I miss that (used to be) familiar voice. He did mention that woman he has been seeing quite a bit. He told me that he was actually starting to focus on himself and not worry about any situations. Just let them happen as they may. I told him that is what I have been doing this summer- focusing on myself. I could not dare be so honest to him and say it is hard to get out of bed, be motivated to do any work, or even love life without him. I do not want to make him feel guilty for me feeling this way. I am still so devastated by this all. It has only been a few months, but it feels like I have been feeling like this my whole life. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember what truly being happy feels like.

I was talking to a friend on Friday night and I just started screaming in the car how unfair it was that I feel like this and he does not and how he just gets to move on and be oh so happy in his new life. Well lah-dee-freaking-dah. I find myself wanting to hate him, but I just seem to hate myself more and more each day when I wonder why I cannot get over this.

I think there should be an institution for love rehab because I think it can be an addiction. I know that this post is extremely depressing, and I swear most days I am fine about dealing with it, but after tonight's phone conversation, I have not been able to focus on anything. I am actually going to watch "The Last Song" after I post this because I know it will make me cry.

After we got off of the phone I told him that I just missed him as my friend, I could not care about anything else. He responded by saying " a normal friendship lasts 2-3 years. Google it." I told him I believed that was stupid shit and that it did not have to be like that if people tried harder to maintain friendships.

The minute something becomes hard for him he walks away. It is almost like he hates being challenged. No one necessarily likes to work really hard on things which we feel should be easy, but damnit I am standing here willing to work.

He wrote this situation off a long time ago and just decided to "dump" me on the side of the road in March...

How can one person make you feel so useless? I sit around daily wondering what it is about me that he truly did not like. I am not one to be conceded, but seriously of every woman he has been with I believe I am the most sane and understanding/caring of them all. And I have my shit together the most too.

Well I am getting off of here to watch the movie. I will post soon enough, and I promise it will NOT be as depressing as this one!



Monday, July 22, 2013

I Dive Into Frozen Waves Where The Past Comes Back To Life.

I have been meaning to update my blog for a few weeks now. I went to see my psychologist the week before last. I am struggling to know what I believe in anymore. I brought up that I think my self-esteem is low anymore because of my situation, but he does not agree. He said that I know what I want, I have my head on straight, etc. I think I depended so long though on someone else's opinion of myself that it is extremely hard to know how I feel about myself, but I have realized that I do love myself. Sometimes I may not feel very loved, but it is only my fault for not showing myself how much I love me. I do not mean for that to sound conceded, because I may be a lot of things but conceded is not one of them. I just know that I have to start living for myself. I am making myself happy because there is not anyone in my life right now that is going out of their way to make me happy.

So I went on vacation last week. It was very fun and extremely relaxing. Thursday three people- all past men I have been involved with decided to text me. All in the same day, I know.. I just sat there like what the hell is going on right now!? You guessed it, one was "him".

I told myself earlier today that if I still feel the same exact way as I do at this moment in May 2014 when I graduate, I am not backing down without a serious fight. I just do not believe it is completely over. I would understand if there was no communication what so ever, but we became friends on Facebook again this week and we have been texting nonstop since Thursday. I honestly just want my best friend back. Sure I love him, but I am not even sure it is in a romantic way anymore. I know you are rolling your eyes as you read this thinking "God she talks about him enough, she has to still want to be in a romantic relationship with him." Well that is true, but I think before when we tried to be more than friends, we were not friends for long enough without adding romance into the equation. I would like a do over, but much slower this time.

In other news, one of my online classes is done at the end of this week. Thank goodness. I just want less on my plate. I know everyone is thinking "Oh you are not even working this summer you cannot possibly be that busy." Well these two classes are actually proving to be extremely time consuming. I have to complete six study guides tonight for my last exam on Friday at noon. I know that is partly my fault for procrastinating, but still it is a lot. Whether I spread it out or not.

I wish it would stop raining. It makes no sense, the days I wake up and want to spend all day outside are the ones when it pours like cats and dogs outside. The other beautiful days I sleep way in and then feel like crap the rest of the day because I am so tired!

Well it is time to start my study guides.

I PROMISE to those of you reading this on a regular basis, and just to myself, that I will update this more regularly these last few weeks of summer.