Wednesday, December 10, 2014

All We Are Is Dust In the Wind

Well it is December 10, 2014 and I moved to California approximately 3 months ago for a 6 month internship.

This experience so far has been HARD. I love my internship and everything that's happening at the facility I am working in. That experience has been GREAT. The experience which I am referring to that is hard is being in California.

I joined a gym the first week I got here and I have had limited progress of losing about 10 pounds since arriving, which is still progress and that is not really what has been hard. It is the whole not having friends.

I go through these terrible times of homesickness where I want on the next airplane home, but then again sometimes I love it so much I never want to go home.

I started dating out here. I have been on about 3 dates with different men I have met out here. One was promising until he told he how great and awesome and beautiful I am but he had to figure out what he wanted. That was no consolation to me. Does that ever make anyone feel better?! "It's not you.. It's me." If I am so perfect then I do not understand what is wrong with the idea of a relationship. I guess I have to learn to respect his decision. We are still texting almost everyday, but my view of him is beginning to change a little bit. I still think he is AWESOME and basically perfect minus the whole not having his "shit" together, which is hard to tell as he seems to have it all.

Other than that this has been a real learning experience as I am learning every day how to be okay by myself. I mean I have been single for quite some time now, but really being by myself having little friends. I have to love myself because there is no one to love me out here. I did not want that to sound as depressing as it might have, but really I can only rely on myself and I think I might need to get my "shit" together too and figure out what I want. Clearly from the above statements I have always been WAY more concerned with loving others than with loving myself. Right now I am all that I have and in life it might be that way and I am not going to spend my life not doing the things I want to because I am trying to please others.

I started reading books again this summer. Since I left for California I have read three books. I am on my fourth. I also love blogging out my feelings, although I have not in a long while. It is a therapeutic release for me. I may even start seeing a psychologist again after the new year.

I canNOT wait to go home and see my family and friends. There have only been a few who have kept in good contact with me, which is sad, but that is life. The time change does not help either. When I get out of work it is already late evening for them.

I think that by bettering the relationship with myself I will be able to better relationships with others.

I do not want to get into anything too deep right now.



Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Should've Known By The Way You Passed Me By There Was Something In Your Eyes And It Wasn't Right

It has almost been two whole months since I updated this. Boy has a lot happened.

Well first off for Sibs weekend at school my sister came down and visited. She met a lot of my friends and really enjoyed her time here. She also met one of my really good friends and his brother. We hung out with them Friday night and Sunday during the day. I had never really wondered how I felt about him, but after that weekend I began liking him a lot. Well him and I decided we are going to do an open mic night together in April because he is moving out of the country because he found a new job.

We had our first rehearsal last week and it went really well. I am very excited to be collaborating with someone whom I care about. Well this past weekend was not a good one for me. I got upset in class on Friday and ended up calling my mom to talk to her as well as Friday evening when I went out with this guy who I mentioned above. Usually we dance together and it's usually the most fun I ever have. Well Friday evening there were two other girls there hanging out with him and his friends. Long story short, when the group walked me home he ended up holding hands with one of the other girls. I find myself always so devastated by the way men act, although I should not because I am usually convinced they do not like me, even when my friends convince me otherwise. I feel as though I am almost getting my hopes up. I always think "this one will be different" or "this guy will actually want a relationship".... nope not the case. Actually at the bar while him and her were dancing together I was talking to one of this other friends and he was discussing about how I seem over the whole "college" lifestyle, which I am. I am a senior in college, and as much as I love my school, I am over the party lifestyle. So basically I was not drunk enough on Friday evening to handle him and this girl dancing together. I honestly do not think that he meant to hurt me, but I could not help but show my disappointment because he emailed me yesterday and said that he felt I was mad at him. We were supposed to have another rehearsal for our open mic night on Saturday during the day, but I received a text from him saying that he was too hungover from the night before and needed to cancel our rehearsal, so that kind of upset me as well because I seemed as less of an importance to him.

Well we are rehearsing today in a few hours and I do not want to talk about the events that happened this weekend. I am so thankful that before I go to rehearsal I have an appointment with my counselor, maybe she can help me decide how to handle this situation if he tries to bring up this weekend.

Also I went to Las Vegas with my parents week before last on Spring Break. It was incredible and I wish I could have spent more time at the Grand Canyon. It was just the Spring Break I needed to take a break from academia.

Also I was surprised last night the "him" from a very long time ago apparently unblocked me on Facebook. The only reason why I know this is because I liked one of his brother's statuses and when I clicked on it to see who else liked it, he showed up, which means that he unblocked me. I am really not worried about it. I was able to talk last week in counseling about that situation for the first time since I started attending sessions with her. It is hard to remember things about it because I have made a mental block of it. It is just still too painful.

That is all for now. I hope to keep this updated better. This semester has just been crazy busy.



Tuesday, January 21, 2014

All Along I Believed I Would Find You...

People suck. The sooner we realize it the better off we are. We can stop thinking up these grandiose plans of when someone is going to be good to us and wake up to reality. If there is a person who is going out of their way to be exceptionally nice to you, marry them. :)

But in all seriousness, the sooner we realize the person staring back at us in the mirror is the only person we should really have expectations for I think the stronger we will become. I am, by no means, saying that I should start being mean because other people do not regard my feelings how I do- I just need to realize that. I am the most precious thing in my life, so I need to start treating myself and my body with the dignity and respect that I wish others would.

Most of this earlier talk was brought on because I tried to ask a guy, who I am interested in, to hang out this weekend and he definitely ditched me because of the weather and then told someone he really did not do anything this weekend, as if he had no options. I am not saying that the weather was not bad.. What I am hinting at is that I overanalyze everything. Clearly. I just cannot help it. It is who I am. The human mind fascinates me.

It is not that I really care what others think about me, but I overanalyze every answer that they give me. It is definitely a weakness, but it is part of me- who I am.

Now that my roommate is spending more time with her boyfriend, I am finding myself alone more and more. I think I "tried" (see how I am so self defeating by already closing the possibility of anything with that guy already?) to like that guy because I am lonely. There are no necessarily outstanding qualities that I know about him that really intrigue me by him except that I find him physically attractive. I actually told myself (and others) that I had never had sex in the town my college is in and that that was one of my goals before I graduated this May. That is not something I am necessarily proud of saying especially because to me that does not matter! If it happens, cool, but I really need to spend this last semester focusing on myself.

I am really ready to start creating habits here that will last for the rest of my life. I am working out 5 days a week and am learning how to say the word "no" to friends, although it seems opportunities to say "no" are becoming less and less as no one is really interested in hanging out anymore, although it is only the start of week two in the semester..

Although I have only been looking at the downside of being alone, I think it is worth mentioning that there are many pros to being alone.

1. I can focus on my health.
2. I can practice more.
3. I can focus more on my homework.
4. I can cook more meals for myself.
5. I can read a book at my leisure.
6. I can spend time cleaning.
7. I can listen to music.
8. I can do girly things (paint my nails, etc.)
9. I can watch girly movies.

I guess being alone is not so bad after all. I think once the semester picks up I will be a lot more busy and can spend my time consumed in more school work when I find that all I have to do is watch Netflix.

I think it is just so hard because I see many of my friends getting married, having babies, or entering serious relationships. I am just in a completely different point in my life than them. I cannot relate to them hardly at all anymore. I have never really been in a serious relationship- not one that was monogamous on the male's part anyway, speaking about "him" of course. Over these next years I think that is going to be really hard on me- watching some of my closest friends get married or move in with their boyfriends. I would, of course, have to get a boyfriend before any of those things were to happen to me. I am not trying to spend most of this blog complaining about how lonely, sad, or single I am. I am simply stating facts and trying to sort out my thoughts the best that I can in a way that is productive and understandable to me. I am fine. I am alive and fine. One of my close friends just went through a break up because his boyfriend cheated on him. We were talking this weekend and part of being human is wanting to be loved. Is that not what we all want? Why do we invest so much time in making relationships work or seeking them out? We just want to feel cared about. I do not care if you look like the worst person on a piece of paper, a criminal with some crazy history. Everyone, no matter how much in denial he/she may be about it, needs to be loved.

We are all just getting by the best we know how to do and trying to be loved somewhere along the way. I am not saying that I agree with most of the ways people try to get someone to like them, or the qualities, or lack-there-of that most people look for.

So what they guy does not like me? I like myself way more than he ever could anyway. I also respect myself enough to be honest.

There are many feelings that I have going into my last semester of ungrad. I just hope to not regret anything I do not do.



Sunday, January 5, 2014

Promise You'll Remember That You're Mine...

Well I headed back down to school yesterday.. The drive seemed long, boring and monotonous, until I got here, then I barely remembered the drive. I basically just bummed around yesterday with my roommate's pup that I am watching since she is on vacation. I have basically done the same today too- just bummed around and fed my Netflix addiction.

I really need to start writing my term paper that I got an extension on. I always say "tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow" but I need to get it done this week sooner rather than later. After I update this today I will read at least two articles for it.

Well the real reason why I am writing this today is to process what this day is. So it is January 5, 2014. Today "he" turned 25. It is his birthday. I feel like it is so ironic that I ran away to school the day before this event happened. I also think it is really funny because he had told me a while ago that no matter what happened he saw himself settled down by the time he turned 25, and saw that with me. I always told people "so what he's gonna wake up the day he turns 25 and just magically want to stop having sex with anything that moves?!" I doubt that is the case with him, but if he has stopped wanting to do that, than more power to him, I commend him for getting it together sooner rather than later.

I just do not know what this means. It's the first time in three years I am not wishing him a "Happy Birthday" or calling him or seeing him. I know it will be the same next month when it is my birthday, I only hope he is thinking the same things I do as I am writing this.

It is 3:10pm on Sunday and I have been a bum all day. I did sleep in for a long time today. Maybe I will go over to the school of music and play the piano today. That would make me very happy. Music has always been my escape anyway, why not feed my habit?

I just went to our Facebook messages and almost sent him a "happy birthday" message. Luckily I stopped myself. I know that would not do anything good. It would probably upset him, just because that is how he is. He would not see it as me being thoughtful, just as trying to mess with his head, which I am sure is oh so clear now... NOT...

I think since I will probably not make it to the school of music to play piano that I will sit in my house and teach myself a new song on guitar.

I am calling my psychologist from school tomorrow to schedule my appointments for this coming semester. I really do think that going once every week will be helpful.



Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Please Don't Stand So Close to Me, I'm Having Trouble Breathing... I'm Afraid of What You'll See Right Now.

I know I just updated this two days ago, but my life has been pathetic as of late.. I am only saying this because I watched 7 hours of Netflix the day I updated this blog and now my internet is working too slowing to stream anymore videos, so I decided I might as well update.

You know what? I was really afraid for this NYE because I knew it was the first one in a long time that I was not going to be spending it with "him" or any him for that instance. When I think of NYE I always think that is what it is all about- kissing someone at midnight. That however is most certainly not the case. I think society really screwed my generation up, because as a single 21 year old woman I should not be still feeling like I need to rely on a man, or any partner in that case. I wish the love, appreciation and support of my friends and family were enough, but biologically that will never be enough, after all we are humans.

As I watched the last episode of the series Greek today on Netflix (see I told you it was BAD), I could not help but cry. I can never tell if my crying has solely to do with the thing I am crying about at the particular moment, or if some of it was pent up from some other aspect of my life. Either way, the last episode Casey Cartwright and her boyfriend, Cappie, were leaving to head to Washington D.C. together, leaving behind Cyprus Rhodes and their friends to start on their own adventure. Even though I do not have a significant other to leave with, but trust me I am definitely okay with that, it made me realize in a few short months that is going to be me leaving behind the college life to start my own adventure by myself. I really do not like to think about it because it makes me feel so many emotions including anxiety, excitement, and sadness. Although I usually have no trouble making friends, I am really going to miss the friends I made at school. My dad asked me the other day what I was going to do in my spare time in whatever city my internship is in. I had not really thought about it, but I told him probably join a gym and try to meet people through work or other social events.

I remember when I basically told my mom about sleeping with the him from highschool. I told her not to judge me, and she just looked at me and said "Life is hard." Which is so true. Growing up is hard. Everyone has to do it though so it is not like I will be alone in the process.

I am leaving to go back down to school this Saturday, even though classes do not start until the 13th. I need to finish up a paper that I got an extension on and I really just want to chill by myself for a week. My roommate will not be there, so I am watching her dog. I am just thankful to be having some peace and quiet before the semester starts. It is so weird for me to admit that because usually I always seem like the social butterfly, but anymore I cherish the time I spend alone. This winter break I have only hung out with two friends plus my cousin. So for being home for 3 weeks, that really is not a lot of people.

I do not really believe in New Year's Resolutions, because I will not just practice anything for one year if I make it a resolution. I need to incorporate it into my life slowly so it will become habit. There are many things I plan to incorporate into my life more from now on.

Cooking- I actually like cooking when I have time. It is fun and can be very healthy. I am going to start experimenting more with my George Foreman grill, my Crockpot, and the oven. My mom has put together a recipe book with some of her recipes for things in them, although some of them are not healthy, I will add healthy things to them and keep my recipe book on my bookshelf.

Working out- Sure we could all be more healthy, but I believe that it not only has to do with cooking and eating healthy, but also moving your butt. I do not understand where the disconnect is in my life- I love working out, going to the gym, and I feel GREAT afterwards, BUT it is just getting to the gym that is my main problem, which sucks.

Naps- I need to cut down on the naps. Sometimes they are necessary when I have been up late the night before studying or whatnot, but when I feel the need to take a nape, depending on the weather I will take a walk outside instead, cook a meal, OR do homework.

Volunteering- I would like to volunteer at the local psychiatric hospital a lot more. I always claim to be an advocate for the patients in mental health and their rights, but I am not doing so much as I am saying. I would also like to get more involved with the local chapter of NAMI.

Reading- I used to read so much for enjoyment when I was younger. One summer I read 7 full books. I miss escaping to a fictitious land and just getting lost in a book. I have sat down and read full books in two days or less (and I am talking Harry Potter, which are over 600 page books), but instead here I am on the computer constantly using technology, including my addiction to Netflix. I really love how technology has advanced, but I also think it's a curse as much as a blessing. I have let it take some of the joy out of my life. I have been a lot more conscious of not using my iPhone at the dinner table, but also other places where is it not necessary, like in the classroom.

Myself- I am really embracing the journey that is finding what makes me happy and what I deserve. I find a calmness I have with myself and others. Maybe someday I will be able to click the "add friend" button on "his" Facebook profile. I am not saying that day is today or tomorrow, but maybe some day soon. It is something I cannot describe effectively to anyone- the pain is still fresh and so are the memories, but it is almost like he was a distant memory or just a figment of my imagination. That sounds a bit confusing I know. I just am not ready to be "okay" with what has happened between the two of us. I know I will not be able to control myself if I talk to him. When I say control myself I mean by speaking of us in a romantic manner, OR trying to make him hurt just as badly as he hurt me. I do not wish to hurt him intentionally, but I just know that if I am caught up in a heated conversation with him I would not be able to do anything but just throw him hurting me back in his face. I think he already has a lot of things he lives with that are daily reminders of the mistakes he has made in the past. He is not so good at dealing with his problems as others may be.

These are just a small list of things I would like to incorporate into my life more and more each day. As we go through this year and life, do not look at your goals as unattainable if you fail one day. Failure is sure to occur, but it is trying over and over, no matter how frustrating, that will ensure success. I think if there is one common New Year's "Resolution" we should all have it is believing in ourselves enough to know anything is possible. I believe in all of you. I hope you had a good and safe celebration of the New Year. Let's show 2014 and the rest of our lives that we can do whatever we set our minds to. :)



Monday, December 30, 2013

Change Your Mind... Let Go Too Soon..

I hope you all had a Blessed Christmas and were able to spend time with loved ones this holiday season.
What terrible blogger would I be if I did not make the cliche "Reflecting on the Past Year" post the day before New Year's Eve.

Looking back I cannot even believe I made it through all of the circumstances that I survived this year. Not that my college career is coming to an end in 2014, I can reflect on many things, including my college experience.

Let's start with this past year.
There were many humps this calendar year beginning in January 2013. In the beginning of January while I was still on winter break my mom went into the hospital. The night that she went into the hospital I spent the night at "his" house. I remember waking up in the morning to a call that was unfamiliar so I did not answer it. When I listened to the voicemail it was my mom saying she was admitted into the hospital late that night after I left home. I could not believe it. I was leaving to go back to school that day. I made my way over to the hospital with my dad and visited her for a little bit. It was so hard leaving my mom in the hospital when I headed back down to school. Little did I know that was not my only visit to the hospital this year, or even that month.

The second week back in the semester I started to have a headache. I sought help at our campus care, which did nothing. When it kept persisting I went to the local clinic, who said it was just a tension headache and prescribed muscle relaxer. I then went to the emergency room. I count my lucky stars everyday because without my persistence in getting adequate medical treatment I would not be alive today. I had developed a blood clot in my head from using birth control. After 4 days in the hospital I was released and came home to live with my parents for a few weeks. That is right I was on medical leave from the university for three weeks. Luckily I had "him" here to take care of me. He stayed with me almost every night and when he was not working he was spending time with me. It seemed so wonderful to have him, especially given the circumstance. It upsets me often because I know that in such a traumatic time in my life "he" will always be associated with that.

In February, things did not prove to be so sweet between the two of us. What turned out to essentially be two best friends with benefits was never okay with me. I would like to repeat that: NEVER okay with me. I know you are thinking- "Amy if that was not okay with you why did you do it?" Well he was the first guy in my life to really show interest in me who I thought was attractive. For some reason I still find him very attractive. On the outside, and maybe some of the inside, he is the perfect man for me. Well anyway, in February I turned 21. He did not come out with me on my birthday, even though he took the whole week off of work. We got in a fight because he had another girl spend the night at his house and when I confronted him about it at his house one night things were never the same from then on. So my 21st birthday I spent crying for a little bit, especially because he texted me to say he left my gift under the tire of my car for me. It was all I could do to open the card and read it and look at the gifts, even though they were little stupid things. I just have never understood how he can claim to love me so much, yet not treat me with the respect and courtesy that I have always thought I deserve. Sure I am difficult to get along with sometimes due to my moodiness, but who isn't?

Well that night changed our relationship forever. When I went back to school the third week of February I began using this app called "Tinder". It was like a "hit it or quit it" app. I found a guy on there who had his masters and worked for the university. He took me out for coffee and then spent the night with me. Nothing happened between us. He tried to hang out with me the next night, but I blew him off because I could not stop comparing him to the "him" from home. I really regret that because he was a great guy.

When I came home for Spring Break I ended up spending 7/10 nights at home with "him", having sex and acting like a couple. When I went back to school all was well. We still talked and what not and I really thought that he would come around and finally be able to commit to me. Well boy was I wrong. When I came home two weekends later to see my high school's musical I went over to his house afterwards and he told me that he had been dating another girl. I knew they were friends, but I never thought anything would happen between them because I trusted him, imagine that? And no this was not the same girl he had spend the night in February two days before my birthday. So I was, of course, devastated and wanted to leave, but before I could I started bawling my eyes out. I remember him saying "So you're crying because I have a girlfriend?" Oh boy did he have a way with words? I replied that I was crying because none of it was worth it anymore. He clearly did not want to be with me and I understood now. He then held me while I bawled my eyes out. I have never felt so vulnerable and weak before in my life. It was the reality I was trying to escape for the longest time. He also had the audacity to ask me if I wanted to have sex with him that night.... Like uhhhhh how about no?! So I left and went back to school with a broken heart.

I finished the school year the best I could, always contemplating spending the summer in my hometown or down at school. If I came home I had the chance of running into him and I really was already embarrassed enough. So when I came home the first thing I did was start seeing a psychologist to try and process all of the junk that I mentioned above, as well as I had known "him" for a whole year before all of this. I have spent the past 2 New Year's Eve's with "him".

Then I started my blog, and if you want to hear about all the other shit that has happened since then in detail read my other posts. But to sum it up, I started working out and caring about myself a lot more, although I would still give in and see him sometimes and I still maintain a relationship with one of his sisters. I slept with two other people since then.... Blah blah blah I stopped working out.... blah blah blah... read my other posts. I am happy to say I have not talked to him since the last week of July. That is a huge accomplishment for me. It is still hard almost everyday to suppress the urge to text, call, or message him on Facebook.

Well that brings me to this moment at 4:45pm on December 30, 2013. There are so many things I have tried to hold onto for so long, including the thought of a future relationship with "him". That is never going to happen. I am not going to wake up one day and him not hate me. Nor will I wake up one day and forget the hurt and pain that he caused me. I still love and care about him deeply, but there can never be another us. That is just not a possibility. I want totally different things for my life than he does. I want to escape our hometown, I want to change the world and make a difference. The best part about that is I CAN! I am young, single, and not tied down.

Sure the thought of graduating in a short 5 months is terrifying beyond belief. If I was not afraid of change I would be some sort of superhuman. But the way I look at it this year I survived a blood clot in my head and the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced in my entire life. I am still alive and breathing for a reason. There were many low times this past year that I thought I was not going to make it because I felt so heartless and shattered. I know I still have many more of those days ahead of me, but it is getting better. Everyday is one day better because it is one more day I have on Earth to do what I have planned for myself. I will accomplish all of my goals.

This year I got out of a bad situation, whether it was by choice or not, I did. And to top it off I survived. I'm no less of "Amy" than I was when I started.

The year 2014 signifies to me a beginning. It is the beginning of my adventure on my own- no parents supporting me financially, no ties to any place in particular, nothing. As a good friend of mine recently made a post about being "vulnerable", I cannot help but second that. I am going to embrace the vulnerability that comes with new adventures. I cannot wait to see where life takes me. If I meet someone along the way, then hey, that's wonderful. If not, it just was not meant to be.

I feel like I have never really felt "loved" by someone I was in a relationship with. I know that I have loved and can show love, but they have not. "He" told me he loved me, but he also ditched hanging out with me a lot, and hurt me emotionally. I do not have that much of a skewed sense of love to think that that is what it is. Because it is not. Knowing that you are loved means feeling unconditional support for whatever decisions you make in your life, it is knowing that someone is always in your corner either fighting for you or making sure you did not get beat up too badly. I know how I felt about him, but he has a skewed sense of how he felt about me. He never loved me or else he would not have done this to me. I know, I know, I let him do this to me. What is that quote? "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Well he could have been a decent human being. He has the power to act however he wants. I cannot control him or his feelings, no matter how much I may want to just shake him to make him realize he gave up the best thing he would have ever had.

So as I approach New Year's Eve not having anyone to kiss at midnight for the first time in two years, I am okay with that. I need to kiss myself, love myself starting this year. I am always surrounded by people who care about, love, and support me. I do not need the clock to strike midnight for me to be appreciative of that or excited for my future to come.

I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!



Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I Know I Drive You Crazy, But Would You Rather That I Be A Machine?

I find it the most hard to not think about "him" when I am driving home from work late at night. There is barely any cars on the road, no noise. Life has finally slowed down. My brain is not distracted by all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. Life is hard.

I was just giving advice to a close friend yesterday about her relationship issues. I always wonder why my friends come to me- like when have I ever had a somewhat successful relationship? Oh NEVER. I guess they trust me and think I have good judgement, OR they just want someone to listen to them, and I never turn them down to complain to me. I get that. I am like that too. I wish I talked more about it. Most people would say I am a pretty open and honest person, but not to myself. And not about a lot of things. I tend to keep things really bothering me to myself. 

I am so exhausted. I am working 35+ hours this week and I have yet to start a paper that I got an extension on that is technically due on Friday at midnight. I would be okay if I did not work 6.5 hours today and have to be out of town ALL day tomorrow... and then I work Friday morning as well. I am just so tired not only physically, but mentally. I am looking forward to Christmas being over. My favorite part about the Christmas season is the snow and seeing my family and I will still be in town after Wednesday, AND there will also still be snow on the ground. I do not really care about the presents this year, I just want a break from school. I cannot wait until I am done in May. It cannot come soon enough. I am VERY excited to start my internship, but the whole process of applying IS quite overwhelming I have to admit. 

Growing up is hard. I understand Peter Pan now as I am older. I find it so weird how when I was younger I wanted nothing more than to grow up and now that I am legally a "grown up" I would do anything to go back to being 5 years old again. There are probably many things I would do differently. I would have tried harder in high school and in college to get better grades. I would make different relationship choices, not only in guys I chose but also friendships I chose to spend time on.

Well I have to leave for work in half an hour, but I figured it would be best if I update this as much as possible.