Thursday, May 30, 2013

Why is Everything with You so Complicated?

It's complicated: two simple words that can have a huge story behind them. I went to my therapist yesterday and that is what we discussed. I'm feeling as though everything in my life is very complicated.

I've always deserved better than I have ever received. Although I feel like it is sometimes, it is never my job to "fix" people. What does that even mean anyway? They're obviously not physically broken. How can I fix something that cannot be seen? I can't. How can I especially change or fix something that the person, he, himself, is not able to see. Denial never got anyone anywhere.

We also discussed how important patience is. What's that saying? "Patience is a virtue"? Well patience needs to become a necessity in my life. Hanging out with people in my life who are trying to coax me into moving on too quickly or trying to find a replacement are not people I need to be surrounding myself with. If I was going out and making terrible decisions with multiple people, then you would have to worry about me, but taking my good old time is OK. The healing process, whether it's mending a broken heart or the grieving of a loved one, takes time and there is absolutely no reason to be rushed.

The doctor also mentioned the importance of boundaries. Boundaries, not only keep people at a distance (if you want them to be), they also help keep yourself in check. We discussed that right now I am in a vulnerable stage and there is really no need whatsoever to come in contact with certain people. I am not completely over the situation and until I am, I will still be tempted into those situations that hurt me before. That old saying "If you fool me once, shame on you. If you fool me twice, shame on me." It would be totally devastating to have to relive a tragic event, wouldn't it? Well that's why when we see history beginning to repeat itself, we need to steer clear and not get caught up in the moment, thinking or assuming it will somehow be different this time.

I also talked about needing to prioritize. Priorities? What the hell are those? I feel like I've really had no priorities for such a long time. It's way past time I start focusing on school again. I got extremely far behind in my school work this week, and because of that today and tomorrow are going to be terrible days, including reading 120 pages of a book and writing a paper over it. Procrastination can not get the best of me this summer. I won't let it!

I am going to try to call the local psych ward again to see if I can volunteer there, because I was supposed to be getting that paperwork rolling, but I was never gotten back to, and sometimes in life if you want things done, you have to take matters into your own hands.

I am extremely excited to see my sister this weekend and celebrate her birthday with my parents in Cincinnati; I love that city, oh and I love seeing my sister too, of course!

I have been helping out with my local tennis camp this week since my high school coach asks current students and alumni back to help teach the grade school-aged kids from the community. I felt great yesterday during the day, but towards night I felt terrible. Maybe it was the sun? I was having headaches on and off all day and severe stomach pain. I did not physically get sick, but it wouldn't have surprised me if I had! The last substantial thing I ate yesterday was a turkey sandwich at 3pm. I was not sure I would be able to help out with the camp this morning, but I decided to suck it up and help. I still have not eaten anything today really. I had a CLIF protein brownie and a slushy my mom brought me after she ran errands. I just do not have an appetite. I was doing so well with eating right and working out everyday too! But I was not able to go yesterday or today because I've felt too lousy. I am hoping to get back into my workout routine as soon as I can!

It's almost Friday! :)

Sunday, May 26, 2013

I've Been Out On That Open Road..

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. I guess I've just been busy... Yes, even though I don't have a job I manage to stay busy. I'm doing well in my online summer classes, but this week I need to focus more on school work. I am also happy to be going shopping for the first time since I've been home- I could really use some retail therapy.

I had a close friend that was supposed to visit me this weekend. I have not heard from him after multiple attempts to contact him via phone and Facebook. All I hope is that he is okay. I've also tried contacting another friend who I am extremely close to. I've texted her about every other day for about a week. The last text I sent her was "I do not understand why you're ignoring me." She recently became close with her ex-boyfriend, and I swear if she leaves me AGAIN like she did in high school for him, I do not think I can be friends with her any longer. What makes this time different than before with him? He miraculously changed? Well he has changed because he became a FATHER after you broke up because he got a girl pregnant and they moved in together and now they split up and he wants you now? Well you have to also want his kid that he has now! It's hard because we've been friends for so long, but I know it's just not right for me to keep being a revolving door for her.

In other news, I went to the doctors this past Friday and he said that I will need blood work done this Wednesday because I have been feeling tired lately; maybe an Iron deficiency? He also said he expects me to remain on blood thinners until July and then I will get an MRI/MRV to see the status of the clot in my head. I am happy to hear that I will most likely be off blood thinners in July, but I'm even happier all my results came back from January (I know it takes FOREVER, right?) and I do NOT have the inherited clotting disorder! This was a major concern for me.

For him:
In other news, I heard you no longer have a relationship with your new live-in girlfriend. You kicked her out. I hear you have a new one though that works with you. I want to know what's so wrong with me that you can already be on your second girl and I'm still hung up on you?! For as much progress as I've made these past few weeks, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I would like to apologize for confronting you at the gas station. I just knew it might be my only chance to see you and I had to say something. I thought it would help, but it's just made me think about you even more. Friday night, driving to your house to pick your sister up gave me severe anxiety- I almost had to turn the car around. We texted last night for an hour back and forth laughing about memories we made together. You randomly texted me today, no idea why, but you did. You're having back surgery on Tuesday and I cannot stop hoping and praying that everything will go well for you. I want more than anything for you to stop having to worry about your back and be in constant pain all the time.
I cannot forget the hurt that you caused me, it's effected me too much. I'm just using it as a learning experience. What I can do however is forgive you. I have to. It's not going to do me any good if I hold a grudge against you for the rest of my life. I do not have any hope that anything will come out of texting each other, no relationship or even friendship for that matter. I will not let myself be surprised at anything that happens because nothing phases me anymore.

I can actually thank him for inspiring me to become healthier. Not really for any other reason other than proving to myself that no one's going to love me unless I love myself. So I must start with myself. I also need to prove to myself that I am stronger than I think I am. I have worked out everyday for the past two weeks and I feel great! This summer I am going to put together a book of great recipes from my mom and the internet. I've also decided to go Paleo when I go back to school and start back to CrossFit. It's easier than the diet I am on now.

Since it's Memorial Day, I take the time, especially now, to remember all of the people who have passed away in my life and the US armed forces who died fighting for my freedom and those still alive, stationed across the world. I sincerely thank you for your service.
When I went to visit the graves of the only grandparents I was old enough to remember one day during Spring Break in March, I just stood over their graves and wept. I just recently saw my paternal grandparents' graves last weekend when I moved my furniture into my house down at school. As much as people say it's hard to imagine their lives without so and so, it is extremely difficult to imagine a life with my grandparents watching me graduate high school and college, or even know I was born. It's not that I do not wish for that or get jealous of friends or classmates who have that, I just have never experienced that so I can not fathom it. That would be a dream world. I do have memories of my mother's parents from early in my life, but none of my father's. I remember when I was a little girl, I used to ask my parents if my grandparents would be proud of the little girl I was. Well even though I do not know the personality of two of my grandparents, I live almost everyday striving to make them and my parents proud. I have lost many other family members over the years, whom I love and think about often. I've always loved seeing and being surrounded by family ever since I can remember.

My families are both older than most other people's that I know. My cousins on my dad's side are all closer to my dad's age rather than mine or my sister's age. Being surrounded by death at such a young age is just not fair. It doesn't get easier to deal with over time. Within the past two weeks, two of my high school classmates, who graduated a year after me, have passed. One from a motorcycle accident and the other from health complications. I will never understand how God (I do believe in God, I just hate religion sometimes. I do not know if I identify solely in one) chooses the way he does. Is he choosing the person because he needs them where he is or is he choosing the person because he wants to prove to us still on Earth that we're stronger than we think? What I do know is that it does help to know you are not alone in the grieving process.

I have to be completely honest: I fear death. I don't think this is an irrational fear, but it's one I don't like to discuss often. Sometimes I think about one day I won't be here on Earth anymore either, and I wonder what it feels like. I just fear what happens next so much. It's the unknown. The unknown is scary to most people. I also have never really thought about what I think happens to people when they pass. I go to my family members' graves, seeking some sort of solace, but I know it's not there. They are not there. It's just their bodies, not their souls. Their souls are somewhere else, perhaps soaring high above.

Speaking of souls, I've been thinking a lot lately about my beliefs of "soul mates". I have to believe that there is one person somewhere in the world that I am "destined to be with" for the rest of my life, but I can't live my life waiting for him to walk into my life. I'm not bringing back my huge list of requirements that I made a few years ago, but I do think the most important aspect of him that I need, especially right now, is someone who cares about and respects me as equally as I do him. I do not think that is too much to ask for.

Friday, May 10, 2013

There is a Purpose

Happy Friday! Although it's Friday and I've been home now for almost a week and I do not have a lot accomplished, I'm sure I will have more to show for myself when the summer is over.
I went grocery shopping yesterday and am getting back onto the diet I was doing a few weeks ago. I stopped it because I honestly became lazy and didn't feel like taking time to measure things out. I did not inherit the best genes when it comes to health and fitness, and that means I just have to work harder for what I want. I will achieve the goals that I have set for this summer because I owe it to myself. I am not weak, I am a strong woman. I won't let anyone or anything make me feel powerless.

I have to thank my friends and family. These past few weeks have been a struggle mentally and emotionally, but I will reach my goals with the love and support I've received from them. They always shower me with positive comments and they still believe in me, even though for a while I had given up on myself. I'm slowly beginning to see my worth again. My confidence and self-esteem will not be crushed.

A dear friend has been in touch with me recently and he is going to come visit me in a few weekends. I couldn't be happier to have a little bit of Athens visiting me here in my hometown. I'm sure we'll be able to have some adventures during his time here.

I called the psychologist office today and made an appointment for next Thursday. I'm excited, but nervous. :)

As I type this post, I hear thunder outside my bedroom window. I've always loved sitting on the front porch during a thunderstorm. I feel like it's the perfect picture- the ideal life: sitting on the porch, rocking in a chair, reading a book with a glass of iced tea on the table beside me. One day I'll have someone to share that scene with me.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Not Really Sure How to Feel About it

Well Monday I found out some pretty interesting news. Isn't it funny how things in life can change within- what seems like- a matter of minutes?!

It's hard because I can't remember anything about the way I felt before you came into my life two years ago. Someone asked me the other day if I really did love you, and I know I did because I can't remember how I felt about the person I thought I loved before you. When I saw him the last time, I tried to remember what it felt like with him, but I couldn't. I can't think of any way I feel, except for when I'm with you. I always felt more alive than ever. Everything we did and every moment I have saved in my head was an adventure.

I think that's why it's so hard to be home for the summer. Every little thing here reminds me of you. Today I heard the song "Fancy" by Drake and all I could do was laugh at the memories associated with that song with you and shake my head. Yup that's right,  all I can do is laugh, especially at this situation. There are no more tears that I can shed over you. You don't deserve them, nor did you ever. You clearly moved on, and you know what? That's fine by me because the girl you moved on to is nothing like me. So if she's the kind of girl you're looking for, I'm glad you stopped stringing me along longer than you already had. 2 years was quite enough. I'm glad you realized I was too good for you before I did, you saved me the trouble and waste. I'm glad you finally found what you were looking for. Clearly it was a live-in, mooching girlfriend. I hope to God you are happy, because I know I'm getting there. It's weird when you not only spend time with someone, but they slowly start to become your best friend. He/she is the one you want to call or talk to when anything happens in your life- you used to be that for me. Once she came in, that quickly stopped. Actually once she moved in with you, you completely stopped communicating with me altogether, which I expect. I obviously think she's a charity case; you probably claim you can change her. Well hunny, I got news for you: You cannot make someone change if they don't want to change or see they need to change. What do you think I tried to do with you? I thought I could be superwoman and "fix" you and all your baggage and heartaches from the past. Well I couldn't do it, and I shouldn't have to. You made your baggage mine and tried to make it my problem too. Well it's not. Don't get me wrong, I have sympathy to a certain extent, but not when it gets in the way of having a functioning relationship.

I messaged you on FaceBook the other day hoping you would respond so we could meet in a neutral place and talk so that I could get some closure and move on, but the message was read, just never replied to. I'm gonna be okay. You didn't make me feel any way that I felt the past couple years- I let myself feel that way. No one forced me to care about you. Actually everyone told me how much I shouldn't give two shits about you because you never had any regard for my feelings, clearly.

Enough about you, I've already given "you" too much of my energy AND time, of which you have deserved NONE.

I told my parents the other day I wanted to see a psychologist again like I did in high school, clearly they don't understand. Then my mom began giving me her point of view about the situation. How are you supposed to get advice from people who are bias towards you? They finally agreed, so I'm going there sometime soon- hopefully next week.

Anyway this summer is for me. It's the last summer I have as an undergrad. I'm not spending/wasting it on people that I don't matter to. I am also not going to be spending my spare time doing things I don't want to do. This summer is for me to become healthy in body and mind. This summer is my chance- it'll never be the "right" time in life and I may not ever get another chance, no one knows what tomorrow holds, so I'm becoming a better, healthier person for me. I live for no one else anymore, but myself. No more will I ever let someone influence my life and happiness. Not ever again.

Sunday, May 5, 2013


I need a way to let things out and what better way than to start a blog.

So junior year of college is under my belt now.. What a crappy school year. Between the school work and life threatening blood clot, so many other things were also making my head spin. I guess I'm just really glad it is over.

I am still unsure of how I feel about being home for the summer. There are so many people here I used to call my "friends" who have let me down. I don't know if I can really count on them this summer. Although I really didn't hang out with many people this past school year. I mostly stayed to myself, barely saw any of my friends from freshman or sophomore year. I miss them, but our lives are going in different directions now. Sure we have OU to keep us linked together, but other than that we have other majors and with rehearsals it's hard to find time to spend together that we both have free.

When I came back to OU after the drama of Spring Break, I decided to go to a counselor. She asked me what qualities I really looked for in a friend. It was honestly something I had never thought about before. I was never a person who had to seek out friends. I have always been the loud person that people gravitate towards, whether to pull themselves out of their shell or just to have a good time. I never have really thought about denying someone a friendship. I am a pretty open-minded and accepting person.

One thing I have learned though is that no matter how accepting I am, I do not deserve the treatment that some individuals have given me. Just because I am so nice, it does not mean that you have the right to walk in a out of my life as you please. I think I have given off the wrong impression of what type of friendship I want or need. Your friendship with me cannot just be like a revolving door. You may not just come and go as you please. Even though it is extremely hard for me to say this: I will not be standing around waiting for you forever. I know you all may think I'm crazy for saying it was hard to make that last statement, but it's extremely hard. I am never a person to walk away from a friendship. It is not even that I don't think I deserve better. I know I deserve better treatment than I've received from certain individuals in the past, but I guess it's just so hard for me to accept and leave. I believe that anything can work if you're willing to put in the effort.

For me confrontation is hard, no matter what context it's in. If it involves my feelings or the possibility of getting hurt, I usually run away. I would rather not talk about it.

So many girls nowadays feel that they need a man or have to be in a relationship to define themselves. For a long time I honestly did, even though I've never really had that luxury. I would always state "I have to find someone to like because if not what will I do?!"Well I just got out of a super bad situation with one of the best friends I've ever had, and I can honestly say I am learning very slowly what it's like to be alone. I'm going to finally start defining myself, not in terms of my relationship with other people, but by who I want to be and who I am!

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Cheers to never letting anyone else define you!