Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Deep Down You Know It's Best For Yourself

Well I just got home from my session with the psychologist. I do not know how long this post is going to be, nor do I really know what I want to talk about.

My psychologist agreed that it is time for me to walk away. He said I need to stop trying because I tried a relationship and that did not work and then I tried to be friends with "him" and that did not work either. So I am turning around and walking back to where I came from, metaphorically speaking.

I think I am trying to fight this so much because "he" tells me how much everyone in his life that he thought cared about him left and I wanted to desperately to prove him wrong. I wanted to be his saving grace, and I do not owe that to him. I do not need to be that to him. This hurts. It just happened in March, but I am in a hell of a lot better place than I was in March.

My psychologist also thinks that I am making good progress and that it will take a very long time to get completely over him, but I have set my boundaries and need to stick to them. I do not want to lower my standards or qualifications anymore than I already have.

I tried and this whole situation has nothing to do with me, although he always wants to make me feel like it is all my fault that it is never going to work out.

He can have as many girl friends as he wants, but he is never going to be in an actual relationship because he is too scared to truly be happy. He just wants to have sex with whom ever he pleases. I am so glad he spared me that situation.

Positive pep talks and encouragement are greatly appreciated from anyone. I know that I do feel better when I am reassured that there are people on my side willing to help/listen to me.

You know how you feel when you sleep way too long at night and you wake up feeling groggy and even more exhausted than if you had just woken up at your usual time? I feel like that.

I feel mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted from all of these feelings I have been feeling throughout this situation. It cannot be possibly this tolling on him as it is on me because I was emotionally invested in this situation.

I really doubt he knew when he found me and contacted me on FaceBook two years ago that we would have gone through all we have and ended up like this. This is certainly not the way I envisioned it. I was supposed to be the one breaking someone's heart this time.. I seem like I am always on the receiving end of that situation though.

I have realized that I am too nice. Now I usually do not think that there is anything such as "too nice", but I do however feel that I am being too nice in this situation. I need to toughen up and just take much longer next time to let someone in so easily. Everything moved way too fast these past two years and the outcome is awful.

I am done. I feel like a huge weight should be lifted from my shoulders automatically, but then I remember all of the emotion and time I invested in him. I guess that weight will slowly come off. I am not so sure now if I can make one of my summer goals to be over him. Maybe I can modify that goal to being over the situation and accepting it for what it is. I know he will always have a special place in my heart. I will always love him in some way, but some things just don't work out- and usually it is for the best.



Tuesday, June 25, 2013

It Was So Easy And The Words So Sweet.

My stomach is turning as I begin to write this post. So many emotions are swirling in my head. I just want to get them all out without seeming too crazy. If you're reading this just try to follow along as best as you can. Also this post is primarily written to "him", like usual.

I expected by summer I would have something else to talk about other than you, but I was wrong. I can honestly say (no matter how many times I have said it before) I am done. I have tried long and hard enough. Through various social media sites I am learning that I am not the first person to feel the way I do or go through what you have put me through and I won't be the last. It is past time for me to just sit back and soak in the hurt. I have tried to mask the hurt that I have been feeling for so long by trying to communicate with you. There is absolutely no point to it anymore.

I cannot apologize for the decisions that you have made, although I wish you would sincerely apologize to me and show me that you mean it, but I am afraid that will never happen. However I am sorry that you do not think you deserve a lot in life. I have no idea how it is to feel to unworthy or undeserving of someone in life. It must be an awful feeling, and one you will have to live with for quite some time. I do know that if I ever felt undeserving of someone that I claim to "love", I would do everything in my power to become worthy of him. That is something you have never done for me and will never do for me.

I am extremely vulnerable right now and being in any contact with you is just poisonous to my life. You are not going to do anything to me in life, except bring me down and make me feel bad for being privileged in life and having a wonderful family.

I have learned that I need to respect myself first. I think I always expected you to show me how I deserved to be treated, and hunny, I most definitely know that I deserve to be treated better than the scum on the bottom of someone's shoe. Yes that is exactly how you make me feel. "Oh Amy will surely be waiting for me in the wings when this next relationship/fling goes disastrously..."... Well guess what? I am not going to be there to pick up the pieces this time- I am sure you can find some other girl considering you say all the time "every girl falls in love with me". I am not the first foolish girl to love you and I am sure I will not be the last. I cannot sit here and wait for you to be ready and deserving of me, after all your words and actions are two completely conflicting things- you say "I love you, I want to be settled down with you next year... blah blah blah..", yet your actions show the opposite- you just want to put your dick in something, like a 36-year-old with two kids. Really? Well I am so glad I will not be used like that again. Thank you for sparing my emotions? You want something convenient, but on the other hand you want something real that will last? Maybe I am not the confused one here after all. I know exactly what I want/need.

I am done opening up my heart to a guy unless he's opened it up to me. It hurts my emotions and my heart way to much to keep getting played like this. This is the first time I ever thought I could die of a broken heart.

I made the mistake last time I saw you in person to tell you I love you. Well there will be no more "I love you"s because it is too hard for me to say or think about.

I am not volunteering any information anymore. If you feel the need to text me, go ahead, but I may not have the urge to text you back, after all you rarely return the courtesy.

Upon talking to my cousin about the situation I mentioned that my psychologist said that the ball is in my court now. In response to that my cousin stated "Take your ball to another court and throw it at another boy because the court you are on now is cracked and unplayable". She is 100% correct. I have quit your game. It is time for me to move on to another court, which is what you wanted in the end anyway- to push me away so much I stopped trying and walked away so you would not have to. It worked- asshole.

I was also given tips by my aunt. She said that it's hard to operate when someone else is in control of your life. I have to be in control of my life for it to work out how I want it to. I am going to start standing firm and strong and not let you get the best of me.

I am tired of feeling sorry for myself.
Most times I am going to need to give myself a pep talk, at least in the beginning- which I feel is completely understandable. I will wake up every morning and tell myself life goes on and I was given another day for a reason. God knows that I am strong, heck most people around me know how strong I am. I have lost sight of how much of a strong, beautiful, independent woman I have grown to be.

I think the most important part of this whole experience is that in the end, now that this is over, I still believe in love. Many people would think after all the heartbreak boys have put me through throughout the years I would give up on love or question its true existence- I don't. I know that love does exist because I have felt it before and when I felt it I was more alive than ever. I felt invincible. I could conquer the world as long as I had someone loving me by my side. Well I still believe I can conquer all of my dreams and most other things too now, even without anyone by my side. You know why? Because I am doing it for me now. No one else. I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else gets to have that power.

I know that it will be a struggle, but I am confident that with the love and support from my family and friends, and most importantly myself, I will be able to do this.

My (new) goals for the summer:
2.) Lose 20 pounds before school starts in August
3.) Get a B in my online Biology course
4.) Learn to cook a new Paleo dish
5.) Get off my blood thinners
6.) Be happy with myself
7.) Spend time with great friends
8.) Laugh as often as possible
9.) Memorize my jury pieces for the Fall
10.) Meet a new friend

These are only a few of my goals this summer. I tried to put the most important ones I could think of.

Well although I am dealing with a rather shitty situation in my opinion, I am alive today and feeling very blessed to be given a new fresh day to live.

Here's to only putting your efforts towards things that matter to you. No more wasted time or emotions. Cheers!



P.S. Two songs I can definitely relate to:

"Complicated" by Rihanna
"Clarity" by ZEDD

Friday, June 14, 2013

If You Were Here I Know It Would Drown You

Before I begin this post, I would just like to pretense it with this is all about "him", so if you are sick of hearing about "him" then the good part about it is that you don't have to.

After confessing everything to me a couple days and acting, what seemed like, distant to me ever since then, he called me today after I got done working out and asked if I wanted to meet for a late lunch. I just got home from hanging out with him. I feel so secretive now because we can't go to either of our houses because his sisters are really trying to protect me, but they do not want us to see each other. I know they are doing it for my own good, but I can handle my life and my choices on my own.

I've decided in life you're either breaking someone's heart or they are breaking yours. Life is all about just taking turns and going back and forth between these two. And whether you are on either end, it sucks. It hurts. I think that I have never felt like I have been on the "breaking someone's heart" side in my life, but I guess I have. I also have never thought about how much that can really affect the heart breaker. You both have invested time and effort into the situation, and if it did not hurt you to break something off with that person, then you never really cared for them in the first place. It can make you feel like a jerk and a terrible person, and that is something that I never want "him" to feel like. I am sorry if I ever made you feel like that.

I guess I just do not understand where it went wrong. Like you said earlier tonight, I do just keep reliving it over and over again in my head wondering what the hell happened to us- one minute I am going to sleep beside you and the next I sit beside you and feel like I barely know what you are thinking.

You commented in the car that I kept my sunglasses on the entire time. I think unconsciously it was my way from shielding myself from you. I love being surrounded by your company, I always have and I always will. Lately, however I seem to hate it. I think what I hate the most is myself. I hate that I still feel wrapped around your finger. I have let the events in your life consume my life. I think the reason why every time we have hung out recently I have brought our situation up is because I honestly do not know if I will ever see you again. It feels like I have been surrounded by death recently, I feel like every moment I spend with someone may be my last and I would hate to die and not have you know how I feel about you. I honestly hate fighting with you. I love you, but I hate talking about it over and over again. But I dwell so much on it when I am not with you, that I am beginning to take advantage of the precious time I have with you by talking your ear off about how I still feel. I need to realize that regardless of if I tell you how I feel or not, that you will still know. I think it is just mutually understood now, so no more time needs to be wasted talking about it.

I do not just want to be here for you when it is convenient and I do not think that is what our friendship is. We have both sacrificed for each other and have been there when it is not the most convenient. My injury earlier this year was not convenient thing for you to deal with at all, nor did you ask to be in the situation. You put yourself in that situation because you cared about my well being. It was never about what you got out of it.

To Me:
Amy, you seriously need to calm down. You need to stop being so self-absorbed and bitchy. If you ever want to share your life with someone it cannot be about you all the time, it has to be split between the both of you.

To Him (Again):
I think that is where I went wrong, I made things too much about me and not enough about you. If you were too tired, I thought to myself, "oh he'll sacrifice his well being if he loves/cares about me.", but it seems that I never did the same. Let's face it- I have a much less busy schedule than you. You have to work your social life around your job, and I on the other hand, was just absorbed in my social life. I think that I have not be considerate at all, and for that I am ashamed. I would never want anyone to be so inconsiderate to me- talk about a turnoff. I know that sometimes I need my space, why should I expect any less from anyone else? Everyone likes to be by themselves or not be on the go all the time. Everyone needs time to relax by themselves.

I know that this is going to sound so stupid and cheesy, but the only thing I ever want spent on me is time. I could care less about doing anything that involves monetary expenses. All I have ever wanted was someone to go walking in the park with, someone to come over and watch movies with me in my basement, and the most important thing I have ever wanted it just someone who genuinely cares about me and loves me. No money can ever buy the amount in which someone cares about another person. That's all I ever wanted or needed out of you, and you did show that by sacrificing your time, by blowing off the guys from work to come over, by sitting in the ER with my dad until 4:30am and then coming over exhausted the very next day, by waking up and holding me when I cried at night because I was afraid that I was so close to death- you never stopped caring. You still text me and tell me you wish I did not drink as much as I do because of my head. You. Still. Care.

You just have to figure out what is best for you, like I should be doing too. I never ever in a million years wanted to come on so strong that you felt like you needed to leave because you could not offer me what I needed/wanted. You showed me just what I was looking for- a person who cared and listened and I am so sorry that that has not been on my mind in such a long time. Before I ever met you, when we were clearly just friends, I would just appreciate that you would call me every evening and we would talk on the phone until 4 in the morning about life, just sharing and talking about anything and everything we could think of.

If I care about and love you as much as I claim to, I should start showing it by respecting your wishes. I know that you do not want to talk about the status of our friendship because it really does get old after the one hundredth time, doesn't it? I just hope that we hang out again soon, so that I can show you how much I have thought about just going back to the basics of our friendship. Before when we hung out, there was no talking about any of this, and we were having a blast, so why can't it just be like that now?

You said you wake up every day thinking that it is a new day- and you are right. I am going to start waking up in the morning knowing that whatever happened in the past is in the past for a reason. Every morning I wake up is another chance to do good; another chance to start over- a fresh canvas.

I always say that I fight for what I believe in and that is why I am fighting for this still, but I think the only person I am fighting with anymore is myself. Why? There is no reason to fight with myself. I have been trying to do things that make me personally happy. I have been working out everyday- although I feel I need to start pushing myself way more. I also need to start getting consumed in the music making process again- that is my true passion and I think I have forgotten that along the way these past few years. I have forgotten that music speaks for itself. Although I do find comfort in blogging about this, music just soothes the soul, doesn't it?

Well I know that if I died today, you would know just how much I care, but not necessarily because I have shown that to you recently. No wonder what, you think that I hate you. I just keep bringing up the situation and never let it go- almost as if to make you keep feeling terrible about yourself and what happened between us. We are just two people who did not work out, no one knows why, and it is okay to not know. It is okay to not have everything in life planned out. Just wake up every day and take one step at a time. Stop freaking out and getting carried away with life plans. Start looking at the people around you and start cherishing every moment that you have with them, not bringing up the past. It does no one good.

I think I have loved you in the past, only if it benefited me. Well it certainly is not benefiting me anymore, and I can honestly say through writing this and reflecting on things that I love you unselfishly now. I do not need to get anything out of it. I am happy for you and I hope that you do well on your journey to achieving ultimate happiness. I still see you as my best friend, because how couldn't I the way you have treated me this whole time?

You are the one person I want to talk to whenever anything happens in life- whether good or bad. That is you, and I never want that to change or be defined by our relationship status.



Wednesday, June 12, 2013

When You Walked Out That Door, A Piece Of Me Died

I really should start updating this a lot more considering I have A LOT to say! The last time I posted was the last time I went to the psychologist and today would be no different. I went and sought advice yet again- this time, unlike last time, more confused than ever.

Well where do I begin... I talked about setting boundaries last time. Well I have not set any boundaries... yet... See I'm not exactly sure I want them. Yes they would protect me, but by protecting myself isn't there a possibility that I am hurting someone else? Well on Thursday last week, almost a complete week ago I went to get my hair cut. I decided to text "him" and told him I was over by his house. I was, honestly, hoping it would spark some sort of conversation. Well we ended up going to dinner that night after I got my hair done. The hour previous, like all girls do at the hair salon, I had gabbed about him to my hairstylist. I mean I have to fill her in on my life! So when we are eating our meal, he decides to tell me about this new woman he has- well is involved with. It turns out she is 36 and has two children. I referred to her as his girlfriend and he said she wasn't. I then told him my thoughts about him never wanting to claim a girl as his girlfriend because it lets him off the hook of feeling responsible for anything, like the guilt of taking another girl (in this case, me) out to dinner. He claimed he was happy, so I guess I'm happy for him. I brought up the fact that everything that used to be with him seemed so distant for me, like I could barely remember at all being with him. I told him I felt numb. He said it did not feel like that long ago... He also mentioned that he could pretty much peg our relationship falling apart when I went on a date with another guy, who I went on ONE date with, mind you. "He" was never technically my boyfriend, so why was I supposed to feel obligated to be exclusive? I doubt he was. He also said he's felt like he's been fighting with his sister over me for so long that he finally gave up and said she could have me.

Saturday night I told my parents I was going to a bonfire, but I really ended up going to get coffee with him. It's not that I necessarily needed their permission or lie, especially since they knew I went to dinner with him earlier in the week- I just didn't want questions that I knew I couldn't answer. We basically made small talk the entire time. Nothing too important at all was said. We have talked on and off since then.

Then yesterday happened. I was working on homework at my kitchen counter, about ready to go play tennis when I get several text messages that read "I'm sorry if I hurt you Amy :(" "You're probably the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. You remember that... I was always too embarrassed to ever say it, but I don't want to live with it forever." "You were right in the car, everything did go by fast- one moment in my head I'm on your basement couch and the next you hate me?" I told him that I could never hate him, which is completely true. He replied "You are the most beautiful girl I ever had and I was so happy the first time I told you I love you...." He then said he doesn't want to hurt me anymore because he basically is not worthy of me.

Uh... what? I seriously felt like I was going to throw up. It was the feeling where you suddenly have a huge knot in your throat that won't go away.. I just sat there in my seat awkwardly laughing because I did not know how else to react. Every part of me wanted the movie ending: to jump in my car, drive over to his house, kiss him on the porch, and live happily ever after... IF ONLY that could ever be a reality for someone.

I asked my mom what I should do last night and she replied that she wished that I would not associate with him anymore, but then followed that by "But I know I would hate it if my parents ever told me who to love." I'm beginning to think that she understands. I mean more so than I ever thought she did. Her parents did not have a problem with my father's personality, aspirations, or beliefs, but they did not like the fact that my father has darker skin than they do. My mother's parents did not even attend her own wedding. I could not imagine not having my father walk me down the isle and give me away to the man I love and adore. I feel for my mom. I love her and my father so much. They have set an amazing example for me- 40 years of great marriage. I should not be too skeptical about this feeling they call "love", should I?

It is so hard for me to know what I want. I feel like my head and heart are telling me two completely different things. My head tells me to RUN AWAY!!!!! But my heart tells me that I still love him and would do anything for him and want to be with him. I compare my life scenario to Frogger right now.. I'm just trying to cross to the other side of the road and every time I think I'm one lane closer, a huge semi comes and SPLAT! runs me over and I have to start the journey all over again. I make such (what I think) is great progress and then I relapse into getting my hopes up again.

When I presented all of this material/confusion/crazy talk to my psychologist he said that I have a couple options:
1.) I can block him completely out of my life (phone, e-email, etc.)
2.) I can tell him that we can no longer speak because I am not ready for a friendship, but maybe in the future (and hope he obliges by not contacting me)
3.) If I go into this situation knowing that the best of what he has to offer might've already happened or I've already seen it, I could pursue a summer fling, BUT only with the intentions of it being over when summer is over. I do not expect it to remain, unless he's willing to make the effort when I go back down to school because school needs to be my number one priority when I go back down to Athens.

Oh I forget to mention this, but my psychologist said that the ball is NOT in his court, like I think it is; It is actually in mine. It is my turn to dictate how I want things to be, which means I need to figure shit out.

I have realized that I am scared of a lot of things. I think the reason why I am holding onto him so tightly is because I am honestly afraid that I will never feel this way about someone ever again. What if this is as good as life has to offer me? I am sure if I signed on for it again, it would be quite an adventure.

I have a really good friend and if anyone can relate to any of this nonsense and rambling it is her.

To her I say one of my favorite quotes from the movie P.S. I Love You "Thing to remember is: if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."

 I know that this may be rock bottom for me, but I sure as hell am glad that I have someone reaching their arm down to help lift me out of this place I am in. Sometimes I just feel like I'm suffocating, gasping for air at every chance I get- I am trying to stay afloat and not let the current drown me.

I haven't exactly decided what I want to do for the rest of the summer, but one thing I do know is that if the world ended today I just hope he knows that I love him.