Wednesday, November 20, 2013

I'll Be The One Defining Who I'm Gonna Be.

Hmmmm... Well I figured I should update my blog because I have a lot of emotions I have been feeling lately. Someone introduced me to another blog in which there was a post about relationships, all it did was make me think about "him", which of course made me feel worse about it. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and not have these feelings.

Also I have realized (not recently) that I am very terrible at dealing with confrontation. The reason I mention it is because another situation arose recently that I did not want to talk about, so I just did not. It is so hard for me to have all these feelings. I feel like I have always had everyone else's problems as well as my own. People project their emotions onto me which causes me to feel the same as them as well as how I feel about my own personal situations. I would rather run away from everything than stand and confront it. I think that is the weakest part of me. That is one thing I wish to change about myself.

Monday I went and saw a counselor here at school. I am going weekly until I feel stable enough to go biweekly. I really think everyone could benefit from talking to a third party. I have a few goals that I will be working on with her. She seems really cool and I am glad to be talking to her.

On another note I slept through my first class this morning, but I am going to my 4pm class. I just really wanted to update this before I left for class.

Since school started back up again I feel like I have not been doing things that really make me happy. I feel obligated to others to be there for them and do everything to make sure they're happy. That is NOT how it should be. I need to make myself happy before I make others happy.

I leave tomorrow to go to a conference in Jacksonville Florida. I am so excited to be out of Ohio for a while. I love flying on airplanes. I love traveling in general. I hope to not live in one place for too long. I always want to be on the go somewhere. There is so much of the world to see it would be a shame to stay in one place the whole time.

Well I need to go get ready for class.. I will update this when I come back.



Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I'll Bow Out of Place To Save You Some Space for Somebody New.

I figure I am in the mood to be super productive, so I might as well update this thing.

After the other night I am doing better and not freaking out so much. I mean I am just trying not to think about it. I was going to go to drop in counseling at the university, but I slept through my 8am class and did not get a chance to go today. I will go Friday when I am free in the morning.

My paper that was due on Tuesday was good as well as the presentation that accompanied it. I also had a test that morning. I think I got about a 90% on it. I also had a test today in my cognitive psychology class. It was not hard, but I just wish I would have studied more for it, but I felt my music classes were more important.

I am currently being super productive. I did the dishes, wrote a check for utilities and put it in the mail, practiced songs for my session tomorrow, reapplied for my holiday job at home, and am currently doing laundry. I am so tired, but I am hoping to get two loads of laundry completely done tonight and put away before I head to bed. I have class at 9am tomorrow.

My schedule is all set for next semester, I am only taking 14 credit hours! It is hard to believe I am almost done with my undergraduate degree. It seems like just yesterday I was a freshman here meeting new people. College is funny that way, I am still meeting new people. It is so unlike high school that way. Not every face in college is that familiar. I have actually gotten really close to juniors in my same major that I never spoke more than 10 words to before this year. It is really sad that I just realized how awesome they are. But it is okay I will spend the rest of the school year hanging out with them because they are awesome people!

I performed at an open mic night last weekend on Friday. It was a fundraiser at a local coffee shop for a group I am in. I think it went pretty well. We raised over $100. I have awesome friends who supported and cheered me on. I accompanied myself singing on both guitar and piano. Such fun! :) Well I should get back to doing productive things since I am in that kind of mood.



Sunday, November 3, 2013

Wondering if I Really Tried Everything I Could, Not Knowing if I Should Try a Little Harder.

I know I have not updated my blog in a really long time, but right now that is besides the point. At least I am updating it now...

Well when I went home the last time I did not see the guy that I am interested in. He kind of blew me off, which is whatever... I have so much going on inside my head right now with emotions this post may not be the easiest to follow but I just need to get it all out.

So there is this guy now at school that I like a lot. We have been hanging out more and more recently and I am not complaining about that. :) He is really nice and caring, very sarcastic sometimes, which is hard to read, but he is cool.

I have kind of given up on the guy from back home. I mean he was PERFECT, but he is just too busy living his life. I do not think he has time for barely a friendship.. It is weird... I do not know.

Well here is the main reason I just HAD to blog this very minute, even though I am in the process of writing an 8 page paper- "Him".

"He" had deactivated his Facebook, and I was fine. He must have reactivated it because I just ran across it for some reason. He also recently uploaded a picture I took of him from this past New Years. Oh and his profile picture is a picture I took of him in my house wearing my jacket being silly. I cannot believe this. It is definitely your life and you can do what you want with your Facebook, but please try and spare my feelings by not re-uploading pictures that I personally took of you! Why would he do that? If he really wants to erase me from his mind and life why not just have other pictures? I would not want a picture that he took of me as my profile picture, it is too painful. I cannot deal with it.

I thought I was emotionally stable enough that I would be able to make it through this semester without seeing a psychologist down here. That is not true. I am going to a walk-in appointment on Wednesday I have decided.

Well that is the update in my life. I love my friends and am so thankful that I have such wonderful people to help cloud over this situation as much as I do or I know I would not have come as far as I have since April.