Monday, July 22, 2013

I Dive Into Frozen Waves Where The Past Comes Back To Life.

I have been meaning to update my blog for a few weeks now. I went to see my psychologist the week before last. I am struggling to know what I believe in anymore. I brought up that I think my self-esteem is low anymore because of my situation, but he does not agree. He said that I know what I want, I have my head on straight, etc. I think I depended so long though on someone else's opinion of myself that it is extremely hard to know how I feel about myself, but I have realized that I do love myself. Sometimes I may not feel very loved, but it is only my fault for not showing myself how much I love me. I do not mean for that to sound conceded, because I may be a lot of things but conceded is not one of them. I just know that I have to start living for myself. I am making myself happy because there is not anyone in my life right now that is going out of their way to make me happy.

So I went on vacation last week. It was very fun and extremely relaxing. Thursday three people- all past men I have been involved with decided to text me. All in the same day, I know.. I just sat there like what the hell is going on right now!? You guessed it, one was "him".

I told myself earlier today that if I still feel the same exact way as I do at this moment in May 2014 when I graduate, I am not backing down without a serious fight. I just do not believe it is completely over. I would understand if there was no communication what so ever, but we became friends on Facebook again this week and we have been texting nonstop since Thursday. I honestly just want my best friend back. Sure I love him, but I am not even sure it is in a romantic way anymore. I know you are rolling your eyes as you read this thinking "God she talks about him enough, she has to still want to be in a romantic relationship with him." Well that is true, but I think before when we tried to be more than friends, we were not friends for long enough without adding romance into the equation. I would like a do over, but much slower this time.

In other news, one of my online classes is done at the end of this week. Thank goodness. I just want less on my plate. I know everyone is thinking "Oh you are not even working this summer you cannot possibly be that busy." Well these two classes are actually proving to be extremely time consuming. I have to complete six study guides tonight for my last exam on Friday at noon. I know that is partly my fault for procrastinating, but still it is a lot. Whether I spread it out or not.

I wish it would stop raining. It makes no sense, the days I wake up and want to spend all day outside are the ones when it pours like cats and dogs outside. The other beautiful days I sleep way in and then feel like crap the rest of the day because I am so tired!

Well it is time to start my study guides.

I PROMISE to those of you reading this on a regular basis, and just to myself, that I will update this more regularly these last few weeks of summer.


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