Monday, July 29, 2013

I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In

Oh where to begin.. Life happens way too fucking fast, lemme just say that.

"He" has been texting me the past couple days saying he is going to stop by my house on his way home from work because my house is between work and his house.. But he never does. Earlier today before he got off I texted him and told him that I would be home all afternoon and that he should stop by. I got ready and literally sat on my bed watching out of the window for 45 minutes hoping that he would pull up into my driveway to see me. Yeah so apparently I am not getting any better with this whole situation.

He called me tonight while I was doing homework. I looked over and saw it was him. Part of me hesitated to answer his call, but the other part of me (the more hopeful part) quickly answered and began talking to him. He said he would rather talk on the phone than through texting. It felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly in the heart every time he spoke, how I miss that (used to be) familiar voice. He did mention that woman he has been seeing quite a bit. He told me that he was actually starting to focus on himself and not worry about any situations. Just let them happen as they may. I told him that is what I have been doing this summer- focusing on myself. I could not dare be so honest to him and say it is hard to get out of bed, be motivated to do any work, or even love life without him. I do not want to make him feel guilty for me feeling this way. I am still so devastated by this all. It has only been a few months, but it feels like I have been feeling like this my whole life. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember what truly being happy feels like.

I was talking to a friend on Friday night and I just started screaming in the car how unfair it was that I feel like this and he does not and how he just gets to move on and be oh so happy in his new life. Well lah-dee-freaking-dah. I find myself wanting to hate him, but I just seem to hate myself more and more each day when I wonder why I cannot get over this.

I think there should be an institution for love rehab because I think it can be an addiction. I know that this post is extremely depressing, and I swear most days I am fine about dealing with it, but after tonight's phone conversation, I have not been able to focus on anything. I am actually going to watch "The Last Song" after I post this because I know it will make me cry.

After we got off of the phone I told him that I just missed him as my friend, I could not care about anything else. He responded by saying " a normal friendship lasts 2-3 years. Google it." I told him I believed that was stupid shit and that it did not have to be like that if people tried harder to maintain friendships.

The minute something becomes hard for him he walks away. It is almost like he hates being challenged. No one necessarily likes to work really hard on things which we feel should be easy, but damnit I am standing here willing to work.

He wrote this situation off a long time ago and just decided to "dump" me on the side of the road in March...

How can one person make you feel so useless? I sit around daily wondering what it is about me that he truly did not like. I am not one to be conceded, but seriously of every woman he has been with I believe I am the most sane and understanding/caring of them all. And I have my shit together the most too.

Well I am getting off of here to watch the movie. I will post soon enough, and I promise it will NOT be as depressing as this one!



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