Wednesday, December 10, 2014

All We Are Is Dust In the Wind

Well it is December 10, 2014 and I moved to California approximately 3 months ago for a 6 month internship.

This experience so far has been HARD. I love my internship and everything that's happening at the facility I am working in. That experience has been GREAT. The experience which I am referring to that is hard is being in California.

I joined a gym the first week I got here and I have had limited progress of losing about 10 pounds since arriving, which is still progress and that is not really what has been hard. It is the whole not having friends.

I go through these terrible times of homesickness where I want on the next airplane home, but then again sometimes I love it so much I never want to go home.

I started dating out here. I have been on about 3 dates with different men I have met out here. One was promising until he told he how great and awesome and beautiful I am but he had to figure out what he wanted. That was no consolation to me. Does that ever make anyone feel better?! "It's not you.. It's me." If I am so perfect then I do not understand what is wrong with the idea of a relationship. I guess I have to learn to respect his decision. We are still texting almost everyday, but my view of him is beginning to change a little bit. I still think he is AWESOME and basically perfect minus the whole not having his "shit" together, which is hard to tell as he seems to have it all.

Other than that this has been a real learning experience as I am learning every day how to be okay by myself. I mean I have been single for quite some time now, but really being by myself having little friends. I have to love myself because there is no one to love me out here. I did not want that to sound as depressing as it might have, but really I can only rely on myself and I think I might need to get my "shit" together too and figure out what I want. Clearly from the above statements I have always been WAY more concerned with loving others than with loving myself. Right now I am all that I have and in life it might be that way and I am not going to spend my life not doing the things I want to because I am trying to please others.

I started reading books again this summer. Since I left for California I have read three books. I am on my fourth. I also love blogging out my feelings, although I have not in a long while. It is a therapeutic release for me. I may even start seeing a psychologist again after the new year.

I canNOT wait to go home and see my family and friends. There have only been a few who have kept in good contact with me, which is sad, but that is life. The time change does not help either. When I get out of work it is already late evening for them.

I think that by bettering the relationship with myself I will be able to better relationships with others.

I do not want to get into anything too deep right now.



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