Well I just got home from my session with the psychologist. I do not know how long this post is going to be, nor do I really know what I want to talk about.
My psychologist agreed that it is time for me to walk away. He said I need to stop trying because I tried a relationship and that did not work and then I tried to be friends with "him" and that did not work either. So I am turning around and walking back to where I came from, metaphorically speaking.
I think I am trying to fight this so much because "he" tells me how much everyone in his life that he thought cared about him left and I wanted to desperately to prove him wrong. I wanted to be his saving grace, and I do not owe that to him. I do not need to be that to him. This hurts. It just happened in March, but I am in a hell of a lot better place than I was in March.
My psychologist also thinks that I am making good progress and that it will take a very long time to get completely over him, but I have set my boundaries and need to stick to them. I do not want to lower my standards or qualifications anymore than I already have.
I tried and this whole situation has nothing to do with me, although he always wants to make me feel like it is all my fault that it is never going to work out.
He can have as many girl friends as he wants, but he is never going to be in an actual relationship because he is too scared to truly be happy. He just wants to have sex with whom ever he pleases. I am so glad he spared me that situation.
Positive pep talks and encouragement are greatly appreciated from anyone. I know that I do feel better when I am reassured that there are people on my side willing to help/listen to me.
You know how you feel when you sleep way too long at night and you wake up feeling groggy and even more exhausted than if you had just woken up at your usual time? I feel like that.
I feel mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted from all of these feelings I have been feeling throughout this situation. It cannot be possibly this tolling on him as it is on me because I was emotionally invested in this situation.
I really doubt he knew when he found me and contacted me on FaceBook two years ago that we would have gone through all we have and ended up like this. This is certainly not the way I envisioned it. I was supposed to be the one breaking someone's heart this time.. I seem like I am always on the receiving end of that situation though.
I have realized that I am too nice. Now I usually do not think that there is anything such as "too nice", but I do however feel that I am being too nice in this situation. I need to toughen up and just take much longer next time to let someone in so easily. Everything moved way too fast these past two years and the outcome is awful.
I am done. I feel like a huge weight should be lifted from my shoulders automatically, but then I remember all of the emotion and time I invested in him. I guess that weight will slowly come off. I am not so sure now if I can make one of my summer goals to be over him. Maybe I can modify that goal to being over the situation and accepting it for what it is. I know he will always have a special place in my heart. I will always love him in some way, but some things just don't work out- and usually it is for the best.