Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Yeah You Bleed Just to Know You're Alive.

Okay, so it has been a while since I updated this and I figured there is no better time than the present especially if this blog is for benefitting my emotional health.

I do not know what has been wrong with me lately, but I have just not been myself lately. I feel different. I find myself becoming more and more pessimistic about life and the world rather than optimistic. I am really beginning to be discouraged by the human race. I do not understand people, including myself. Maybe that is why my cognitive psychology class is so interesting to me this semester.

I felt that I was doing good this semester, including last week when I had 2 papers and 4 tests. This week on the other hand I have felt absolutely terrible about a lot of things. I make other peoples' problems mine way too much.

I have stopped doing what I enjoy as much as I used to. I need to start doing things I enjoy more and be around people I want to be around.

I am happy I am going home this weekend so I can go to a Cleveland Browns game. Getting out of college mode will be nice, although it is always a terrible adjustment even after a short period of time, like the weekend.

I am feeling terrible about myself recently, mostly because I got out of my exercising routine I had this summer. I was eating clean and working out 4-5 times a week. Now I am lucky if I am able to work out twice a week. I need to start eating more healthily again. I am positive that will help with my mood.

I am still trying to be in contact with the boy from home that I really like, although it is hard because we both have really busy schedules with school. Hopefully I will be able to see him this weekend when I go home.

I have actually been thinking about "him" much more often as well. A few weeks ago I realized that he blocked me from Facebook. I mean it is understandable given the circumstances that we both do not need to be constantly reminded of one another, but it hurts. I know I spent my entire summer "getting over"/ coming to terms with the whole situation, but it would be lying to myself and you if I did not acknowledge the hurt and longing I still feel for him. I understand things in life happen and there are much worse things happening in other peoples' lives, but he is/was a very important person in my life. I really miss someone who I knew would text me everyday no matter what. Someone, besides my parents, who wanted to talk on the phone. I think I am especially thinking about it more this semester because I am also missing my best friend from middle school. She took this semester off to do an internship and will be back in the Spring to graduate with me.  It is my first time being at college and not having her live less than 3 minutes away from me. She was the one person I sought for an escape from my academic life, OR at times she would always be my library date when I needed to be productive. I really miss her and hope she knows how much I appreciate her and think about her, even when she is not here.

Everyday I wake up with the temptation to text "him". I think about him on my walk to class, during class, and random other times throughout my day. When something happens, he is still the first person I want to tell. That is why I usually end up calling my mom 3-5 times a day. I have never been this bad when it comes to calling her, but she can usually make me feel better by distracting me with talk about her and my father's lives at home.

I am beginning to lose my motivation again. I slept almost all day today. I went to all three of my classes, but I slept in between them, which was not productive in the least bit, especially when I have so much to do still this week.

I wish I would have called sooner to try and get an appointment with my psychologist when I go home this weekend. I may call his office in the morning to see if he has any openings for Saturday. I think it would make me feel a lot better to see him and talk to him. He made me feel less crazy.

There is not really anyone here at school I want to talk to about the things I talk to him about. I mean I joke around about my life situation a lot, but I really want to seriously talk about it to someone. Most people, especially in college, are so absorbed in what they are doing at the moment that they do not really care about what you have to say anyway.

I am happy I decided to write tonight, I know it is going to make sleeping tonight much easier.



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