Tuesday, June 25, 2013

It Was So Easy And The Words So Sweet.

My stomach is turning as I begin to write this post. So many emotions are swirling in my head. I just want to get them all out without seeming too crazy. If you're reading this just try to follow along as best as you can. Also this post is primarily written to "him", like usual.

I expected by summer I would have something else to talk about other than you, but I was wrong. I can honestly say (no matter how many times I have said it before) I am done. I have tried long and hard enough. Through various social media sites I am learning that I am not the first person to feel the way I do or go through what you have put me through and I won't be the last. It is past time for me to just sit back and soak in the hurt. I have tried to mask the hurt that I have been feeling for so long by trying to communicate with you. There is absolutely no point to it anymore.

I cannot apologize for the decisions that you have made, although I wish you would sincerely apologize to me and show me that you mean it, but I am afraid that will never happen. However I am sorry that you do not think you deserve a lot in life. I have no idea how it is to feel to unworthy or undeserving of someone in life. It must be an awful feeling, and one you will have to live with for quite some time. I do know that if I ever felt undeserving of someone that I claim to "love", I would do everything in my power to become worthy of him. That is something you have never done for me and will never do for me.

I am extremely vulnerable right now and being in any contact with you is just poisonous to my life. You are not going to do anything to me in life, except bring me down and make me feel bad for being privileged in life and having a wonderful family.

I have learned that I need to respect myself first. I think I always expected you to show me how I deserved to be treated, and hunny, I most definitely know that I deserve to be treated better than the scum on the bottom of someone's shoe. Yes that is exactly how you make me feel. "Oh Amy will surely be waiting for me in the wings when this next relationship/fling goes disastrously..."... Well guess what? I am not going to be there to pick up the pieces this time- I am sure you can find some other girl considering you say all the time "every girl falls in love with me". I am not the first foolish girl to love you and I am sure I will not be the last. I cannot sit here and wait for you to be ready and deserving of me, after all your words and actions are two completely conflicting things- you say "I love you, I want to be settled down with you next year... blah blah blah..", yet your actions show the opposite- you just want to put your dick in something, like a 36-year-old with two kids. Really? Well I am so glad I will not be used like that again. Thank you for sparing my emotions? You want something convenient, but on the other hand you want something real that will last? Maybe I am not the confused one here after all. I know exactly what I want/need.

I am done opening up my heart to a guy unless he's opened it up to me. It hurts my emotions and my heart way to much to keep getting played like this. This is the first time I ever thought I could die of a broken heart.

I made the mistake last time I saw you in person to tell you I love you. Well there will be no more "I love you"s because it is too hard for me to say or think about.

I am not volunteering any information anymore. If you feel the need to text me, go ahead, but I may not have the urge to text you back, after all you rarely return the courtesy.

Upon talking to my cousin about the situation I mentioned that my psychologist said that the ball is in my court now. In response to that my cousin stated "Take your ball to another court and throw it at another boy because the court you are on now is cracked and unplayable". She is 100% correct. I have quit your game. It is time for me to move on to another court, which is what you wanted in the end anyway- to push me away so much I stopped trying and walked away so you would not have to. It worked- asshole.

I was also given tips by my aunt. She said that it's hard to operate when someone else is in control of your life. I have to be in control of my life for it to work out how I want it to. I am going to start standing firm and strong and not let you get the best of me.

I am tired of feeling sorry for myself.
Most times I am going to need to give myself a pep talk, at least in the beginning- which I feel is completely understandable. I will wake up every morning and tell myself life goes on and I was given another day for a reason. God knows that I am strong, heck most people around me know how strong I am. I have lost sight of how much of a strong, beautiful, independent woman I have grown to be.

I think the most important part of this whole experience is that in the end, now that this is over, I still believe in love. Many people would think after all the heartbreak boys have put me through throughout the years I would give up on love or question its true existence- I don't. I know that love does exist because I have felt it before and when I felt it I was more alive than ever. I felt invincible. I could conquer the world as long as I had someone loving me by my side. Well I still believe I can conquer all of my dreams and most other things too now, even without anyone by my side. You know why? Because I am doing it for me now. No one else. I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else gets to have that power.

I know that it will be a struggle, but I am confident that with the love and support from my family and friends, and most importantly myself, I will be able to do this.

My (new) goals for the summer:
2.) Lose 20 pounds before school starts in August
3.) Get a B in my online Biology course
4.) Learn to cook a new Paleo dish
5.) Get off my blood thinners
6.) Be happy with myself
7.) Spend time with great friends
8.) Laugh as often as possible
9.) Memorize my jury pieces for the Fall
10.) Meet a new friend

These are only a few of my goals this summer. I tried to put the most important ones I could think of.

Well although I am dealing with a rather shitty situation in my opinion, I am alive today and feeling very blessed to be given a new fresh day to live.

Here's to only putting your efforts towards things that matter to you. No more wasted time or emotions. Cheers!



P.S. Two songs I can definitely relate to:

"Complicated" by Rihanna
"Clarity" by ZEDD

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