Friday, June 14, 2013

If You Were Here I Know It Would Drown You

Before I begin this post, I would just like to pretense it with this is all about "him", so if you are sick of hearing about "him" then the good part about it is that you don't have to.

After confessing everything to me a couple days and acting, what seemed like, distant to me ever since then, he called me today after I got done working out and asked if I wanted to meet for a late lunch. I just got home from hanging out with him. I feel so secretive now because we can't go to either of our houses because his sisters are really trying to protect me, but they do not want us to see each other. I know they are doing it for my own good, but I can handle my life and my choices on my own.

I've decided in life you're either breaking someone's heart or they are breaking yours. Life is all about just taking turns and going back and forth between these two. And whether you are on either end, it sucks. It hurts. I think that I have never felt like I have been on the "breaking someone's heart" side in my life, but I guess I have. I also have never thought about how much that can really affect the heart breaker. You both have invested time and effort into the situation, and if it did not hurt you to break something off with that person, then you never really cared for them in the first place. It can make you feel like a jerk and a terrible person, and that is something that I never want "him" to feel like. I am sorry if I ever made you feel like that.

I guess I just do not understand where it went wrong. Like you said earlier tonight, I do just keep reliving it over and over again in my head wondering what the hell happened to us- one minute I am going to sleep beside you and the next I sit beside you and feel like I barely know what you are thinking.

You commented in the car that I kept my sunglasses on the entire time. I think unconsciously it was my way from shielding myself from you. I love being surrounded by your company, I always have and I always will. Lately, however I seem to hate it. I think what I hate the most is myself. I hate that I still feel wrapped around your finger. I have let the events in your life consume my life. I think the reason why every time we have hung out recently I have brought our situation up is because I honestly do not know if I will ever see you again. It feels like I have been surrounded by death recently, I feel like every moment I spend with someone may be my last and I would hate to die and not have you know how I feel about you. I honestly hate fighting with you. I love you, but I hate talking about it over and over again. But I dwell so much on it when I am not with you, that I am beginning to take advantage of the precious time I have with you by talking your ear off about how I still feel. I need to realize that regardless of if I tell you how I feel or not, that you will still know. I think it is just mutually understood now, so no more time needs to be wasted talking about it.

I do not just want to be here for you when it is convenient and I do not think that is what our friendship is. We have both sacrificed for each other and have been there when it is not the most convenient. My injury earlier this year was not convenient thing for you to deal with at all, nor did you ask to be in the situation. You put yourself in that situation because you cared about my well being. It was never about what you got out of it.

To Me:
Amy, you seriously need to calm down. You need to stop being so self-absorbed and bitchy. If you ever want to share your life with someone it cannot be about you all the time, it has to be split between the both of you.

To Him (Again):
I think that is where I went wrong, I made things too much about me and not enough about you. If you were too tired, I thought to myself, "oh he'll sacrifice his well being if he loves/cares about me.", but it seems that I never did the same. Let's face it- I have a much less busy schedule than you. You have to work your social life around your job, and I on the other hand, was just absorbed in my social life. I think that I have not be considerate at all, and for that I am ashamed. I would never want anyone to be so inconsiderate to me- talk about a turnoff. I know that sometimes I need my space, why should I expect any less from anyone else? Everyone likes to be by themselves or not be on the go all the time. Everyone needs time to relax by themselves.

I know that this is going to sound so stupid and cheesy, but the only thing I ever want spent on me is time. I could care less about doing anything that involves monetary expenses. All I have ever wanted was someone to go walking in the park with, someone to come over and watch movies with me in my basement, and the most important thing I have ever wanted it just someone who genuinely cares about me and loves me. No money can ever buy the amount in which someone cares about another person. That's all I ever wanted or needed out of you, and you did show that by sacrificing your time, by blowing off the guys from work to come over, by sitting in the ER with my dad until 4:30am and then coming over exhausted the very next day, by waking up and holding me when I cried at night because I was afraid that I was so close to death- you never stopped caring. You still text me and tell me you wish I did not drink as much as I do because of my head. You. Still. Care.

You just have to figure out what is best for you, like I should be doing too. I never ever in a million years wanted to come on so strong that you felt like you needed to leave because you could not offer me what I needed/wanted. You showed me just what I was looking for- a person who cared and listened and I am so sorry that that has not been on my mind in such a long time. Before I ever met you, when we were clearly just friends, I would just appreciate that you would call me every evening and we would talk on the phone until 4 in the morning about life, just sharing and talking about anything and everything we could think of.

If I care about and love you as much as I claim to, I should start showing it by respecting your wishes. I know that you do not want to talk about the status of our friendship because it really does get old after the one hundredth time, doesn't it? I just hope that we hang out again soon, so that I can show you how much I have thought about just going back to the basics of our friendship. Before when we hung out, there was no talking about any of this, and we were having a blast, so why can't it just be like that now?

You said you wake up every day thinking that it is a new day- and you are right. I am going to start waking up in the morning knowing that whatever happened in the past is in the past for a reason. Every morning I wake up is another chance to do good; another chance to start over- a fresh canvas.

I always say that I fight for what I believe in and that is why I am fighting for this still, but I think the only person I am fighting with anymore is myself. Why? There is no reason to fight with myself. I have been trying to do things that make me personally happy. I have been working out everyday- although I feel I need to start pushing myself way more. I also need to start getting consumed in the music making process again- that is my true passion and I think I have forgotten that along the way these past few years. I have forgotten that music speaks for itself. Although I do find comfort in blogging about this, music just soothes the soul, doesn't it?

Well I know that if I died today, you would know just how much I care, but not necessarily because I have shown that to you recently. No wonder what, you think that I hate you. I just keep bringing up the situation and never let it go- almost as if to make you keep feeling terrible about yourself and what happened between us. We are just two people who did not work out, no one knows why, and it is okay to not know. It is okay to not have everything in life planned out. Just wake up every day and take one step at a time. Stop freaking out and getting carried away with life plans. Start looking at the people around you and start cherishing every moment that you have with them, not bringing up the past. It does no one good.

I think I have loved you in the past, only if it benefited me. Well it certainly is not benefiting me anymore, and I can honestly say through writing this and reflecting on things that I love you unselfishly now. I do not need to get anything out of it. I am happy for you and I hope that you do well on your journey to achieving ultimate happiness. I still see you as my best friend, because how couldn't I the way you have treated me this whole time?

You are the one person I want to talk to whenever anything happens in life- whether good or bad. That is you, and I never want that to change or be defined by our relationship status.



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