I really should start updating this a lot more considering I have A LOT to say! The last time I posted was the last time I went to the psychologist and today would be no different. I went and sought advice yet again- this time, unlike last time, more confused than ever.
Well where do I begin... I talked about setting boundaries last time. Well I have not set any boundaries... yet... See I'm not exactly sure I want them. Yes they would protect me, but by protecting myself isn't there a possibility that I am hurting someone else? Well on Thursday last week, almost a complete week ago I went to get my hair cut. I decided to text "him" and told him I was over by his house. I was, honestly, hoping it would spark some sort of conversation. Well we ended up going to dinner that night after I got my hair done. The hour previous, like all girls do at the hair salon, I had gabbed about him to my hairstylist. I mean I have to fill her in on my life! So when we are eating our meal, he decides to tell me about this new woman he has- well is involved with. It turns out she is 36 and has two children. I referred to her as his girlfriend and he said she wasn't. I then told him my thoughts about him never wanting to claim a girl as his girlfriend because it lets him off the hook of feeling responsible for anything, like the guilt of taking another girl (in this case, me) out to dinner. He claimed he was happy, so I guess I'm happy for him. I brought up the fact that everything that used to be with him seemed so distant for me, like I could barely remember at all being with him. I told him I felt numb. He said it did not feel like that long ago... He also mentioned that he could pretty much peg our relationship falling apart when I went on a date with another guy, who I went on ONE date with, mind you. "He" was never technically my boyfriend, so why was I supposed to feel obligated to be exclusive? I doubt he was. He also said he's felt like he's been fighting with his sister over me for so long that he finally gave up and said she could have me.
Saturday night I told my parents I was going to a bonfire, but I really ended up going to get coffee with him. It's not that I necessarily needed their permission or lie, especially since they knew I went to dinner with him earlier in the week- I just didn't want questions that I knew I couldn't answer. We basically made small talk the entire time. Nothing too important at all was said. We have talked on and off since then.
Then yesterday happened. I was working on homework at my kitchen counter, about ready to go play tennis when I get several text messages that read "I'm sorry if I hurt you Amy :(" "You're probably the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. You remember that... I was always too embarrassed to ever say it, but I don't want to live with it forever." "You were right in the car, everything did go by fast- one moment in my head I'm on your basement couch and the next you hate me?" I told him that I could never hate him, which is completely true. He replied "You are the most beautiful girl I ever had and I was so happy the first time I told you I love you...." He then said he doesn't want to hurt me anymore because he basically is not worthy of me.
Uh... what? I seriously felt like I was going to throw up. It was the feeling where you suddenly have a huge knot in your throat that won't go away.. I just sat there in my seat awkwardly laughing because I did not know how else to react. Every part of me wanted the movie ending: to jump in my car, drive over to his house, kiss him on the porch, and live happily ever after... IF ONLY that could ever be a reality for someone.
I asked my mom what I should do last night and she replied that she wished that I would not associate with him anymore, but then followed that by "But I know I would hate it if my parents ever told me who to love." I'm beginning to think that she understands. I mean more so than I ever thought she did. Her parents did not have a problem with my father's personality, aspirations, or beliefs, but they did not like the fact that my father has darker skin than they do. My mother's parents did not even attend her own wedding. I could not imagine not having my father walk me down the isle and give me away to the man I love and adore. I feel for my mom. I love her and my father so much. They have set an amazing example for me- 40 years of great marriage. I should not be too skeptical about this feeling they call "love", should I?
It is so hard for me to know what I want. I feel like my head and heart are telling me two completely different things. My head tells me to RUN AWAY!!!!! But my heart tells me that I still love him and would do anything for him and want to be with him. I compare my life scenario to Frogger right now.. I'm just trying to cross to the other side of the road and every time I think I'm one lane closer, a huge semi comes and SPLAT! runs me over and I have to start the journey all over again. I make such (what I think) is great progress and then I relapse into getting my hopes up again.
When I presented all of this material/confusion/crazy talk to my psychologist he said that I have a couple options:
1.) I can block him completely out of my life (phone, e-email, etc.)
2.) I can tell him that we can no longer speak because I am not ready for a friendship, but maybe in the future (and hope he obliges by not contacting me)
3.) If I go into this situation knowing that the best of what he has to offer might've already happened or I've already seen it, I could pursue a summer fling, BUT only with the intentions of it being over when summer is over. I do not expect it to remain, unless he's willing to make the effort when I go back down to school because school needs to be my number one priority when I go back down to Athens.
Oh I forget to mention this, but my psychologist said that the ball is NOT in his court, like I think it is; It is actually in mine. It is my turn to dictate how I want things to be, which means I need to figure shit out.
I have realized that I am scared of a lot of things. I think the reason why I am holding onto him so tightly is because I am honestly afraid that I will never feel this way about someone ever again. What if this is as good as life has to offer me? I am sure if I signed on for it again, it would be quite an adventure.
I have a really good friend and if anyone can relate to any of this nonsense and rambling it is her.
To her I say one of my favorite quotes from the movie P.S. I Love You "Thing to remember is: if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."
I know that this may be rock bottom for me, but I sure as hell am glad that I have someone reaching their arm down to help lift me out of this place I am in. Sometimes I just feel like I'm suffocating, gasping for air at every chance I get- I am trying to stay afloat and not let the current drown me.
I haven't exactly decided what I want to do for the rest of the summer, but one thing I do know is that if the world ended today I just hope he knows that I love him.