Monday, December 30, 2013

Change Your Mind... Let Go Too Soon..

I hope you all had a Blessed Christmas and were able to spend time with loved ones this holiday season.
What terrible blogger would I be if I did not make the cliche "Reflecting on the Past Year" post the day before New Year's Eve.

Looking back I cannot even believe I made it through all of the circumstances that I survived this year. Not that my college career is coming to an end in 2014, I can reflect on many things, including my college experience.

Let's start with this past year.
There were many humps this calendar year beginning in January 2013. In the beginning of January while I was still on winter break my mom went into the hospital. The night that she went into the hospital I spent the night at "his" house. I remember waking up in the morning to a call that was unfamiliar so I did not answer it. When I listened to the voicemail it was my mom saying she was admitted into the hospital late that night after I left home. I could not believe it. I was leaving to go back to school that day. I made my way over to the hospital with my dad and visited her for a little bit. It was so hard leaving my mom in the hospital when I headed back down to school. Little did I know that was not my only visit to the hospital this year, or even that month.

The second week back in the semester I started to have a headache. I sought help at our campus care, which did nothing. When it kept persisting I went to the local clinic, who said it was just a tension headache and prescribed muscle relaxer. I then went to the emergency room. I count my lucky stars everyday because without my persistence in getting adequate medical treatment I would not be alive today. I had developed a blood clot in my head from using birth control. After 4 days in the hospital I was released and came home to live with my parents for a few weeks. That is right I was on medical leave from the university for three weeks. Luckily I had "him" here to take care of me. He stayed with me almost every night and when he was not working he was spending time with me. It seemed so wonderful to have him, especially given the circumstance. It upsets me often because I know that in such a traumatic time in my life "he" will always be associated with that.

In February, things did not prove to be so sweet between the two of us. What turned out to essentially be two best friends with benefits was never okay with me. I would like to repeat that: NEVER okay with me. I know you are thinking- "Amy if that was not okay with you why did you do it?" Well he was the first guy in my life to really show interest in me who I thought was attractive. For some reason I still find him very attractive. On the outside, and maybe some of the inside, he is the perfect man for me. Well anyway, in February I turned 21. He did not come out with me on my birthday, even though he took the whole week off of work. We got in a fight because he had another girl spend the night at his house and when I confronted him about it at his house one night things were never the same from then on. So my 21st birthday I spent crying for a little bit, especially because he texted me to say he left my gift under the tire of my car for me. It was all I could do to open the card and read it and look at the gifts, even though they were little stupid things. I just have never understood how he can claim to love me so much, yet not treat me with the respect and courtesy that I have always thought I deserve. Sure I am difficult to get along with sometimes due to my moodiness, but who isn't?

Well that night changed our relationship forever. When I went back to school the third week of February I began using this app called "Tinder". It was like a "hit it or quit it" app. I found a guy on there who had his masters and worked for the university. He took me out for coffee and then spent the night with me. Nothing happened between us. He tried to hang out with me the next night, but I blew him off because I could not stop comparing him to the "him" from home. I really regret that because he was a great guy.

When I came home for Spring Break I ended up spending 7/10 nights at home with "him", having sex and acting like a couple. When I went back to school all was well. We still talked and what not and I really thought that he would come around and finally be able to commit to me. Well boy was I wrong. When I came home two weekends later to see my high school's musical I went over to his house afterwards and he told me that he had been dating another girl. I knew they were friends, but I never thought anything would happen between them because I trusted him, imagine that? And no this was not the same girl he had spend the night in February two days before my birthday. So I was, of course, devastated and wanted to leave, but before I could I started bawling my eyes out. I remember him saying "So you're crying because I have a girlfriend?" Oh boy did he have a way with words? I replied that I was crying because none of it was worth it anymore. He clearly did not want to be with me and I understood now. He then held me while I bawled my eyes out. I have never felt so vulnerable and weak before in my life. It was the reality I was trying to escape for the longest time. He also had the audacity to ask me if I wanted to have sex with him that night.... Like uhhhhh how about no?! So I left and went back to school with a broken heart.

I finished the school year the best I could, always contemplating spending the summer in my hometown or down at school. If I came home I had the chance of running into him and I really was already embarrassed enough. So when I came home the first thing I did was start seeing a psychologist to try and process all of the junk that I mentioned above, as well as I had known "him" for a whole year before all of this. I have spent the past 2 New Year's Eve's with "him".

Then I started my blog, and if you want to hear about all the other shit that has happened since then in detail read my other posts. But to sum it up, I started working out and caring about myself a lot more, although I would still give in and see him sometimes and I still maintain a relationship with one of his sisters. I slept with two other people since then.... Blah blah blah I stopped working out.... blah blah blah... read my other posts. I am happy to say I have not talked to him since the last week of July. That is a huge accomplishment for me. It is still hard almost everyday to suppress the urge to text, call, or message him on Facebook.

Well that brings me to this moment at 4:45pm on December 30, 2013. There are so many things I have tried to hold onto for so long, including the thought of a future relationship with "him". That is never going to happen. I am not going to wake up one day and him not hate me. Nor will I wake up one day and forget the hurt and pain that he caused me. I still love and care about him deeply, but there can never be another us. That is just not a possibility. I want totally different things for my life than he does. I want to escape our hometown, I want to change the world and make a difference. The best part about that is I CAN! I am young, single, and not tied down.

Sure the thought of graduating in a short 5 months is terrifying beyond belief. If I was not afraid of change I would be some sort of superhuman. But the way I look at it this year I survived a blood clot in my head and the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced in my entire life. I am still alive and breathing for a reason. There were many low times this past year that I thought I was not going to make it because I felt so heartless and shattered. I know I still have many more of those days ahead of me, but it is getting better. Everyday is one day better because it is one more day I have on Earth to do what I have planned for myself. I will accomplish all of my goals.

This year I got out of a bad situation, whether it was by choice or not, I did. And to top it off I survived. I'm no less of "Amy" than I was when I started.

The year 2014 signifies to me a beginning. It is the beginning of my adventure on my own- no parents supporting me financially, no ties to any place in particular, nothing. As a good friend of mine recently made a post about being "vulnerable", I cannot help but second that. I am going to embrace the vulnerability that comes with new adventures. I cannot wait to see where life takes me. If I meet someone along the way, then hey, that's wonderful. If not, it just was not meant to be.

I feel like I have never really felt "loved" by someone I was in a relationship with. I know that I have loved and can show love, but they have not. "He" told me he loved me, but he also ditched hanging out with me a lot, and hurt me emotionally. I do not have that much of a skewed sense of love to think that that is what it is. Because it is not. Knowing that you are loved means feeling unconditional support for whatever decisions you make in your life, it is knowing that someone is always in your corner either fighting for you or making sure you did not get beat up too badly. I know how I felt about him, but he has a skewed sense of how he felt about me. He never loved me or else he would not have done this to me. I know, I know, I let him do this to me. What is that quote? "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Well he could have been a decent human being. He has the power to act however he wants. I cannot control him or his feelings, no matter how much I may want to just shake him to make him realize he gave up the best thing he would have ever had.

So as I approach New Year's Eve not having anyone to kiss at midnight for the first time in two years, I am okay with that. I need to kiss myself, love myself starting this year. I am always surrounded by people who care about, love, and support me. I do not need the clock to strike midnight for me to be appreciative of that or excited for my future to come.

I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!



No comments:

Post a Comment