Saturday, December 7, 2013

Hello Hello Can Can You Hear Me?

Today is hard. This week is hard. Life is hard.

Today apparently pushed me past my breaking point.

So I desperately needed to update this.

Remember the "him" I talked about from high school a long time ago? The one who awkwardly kissed me and is just awkward now every time I see him? Well when I was home for Thanksgiving break guess what happened? I went out with my cousin and got fairly drunk. He texted me and wanted to see me. So he came over after I got home from the bar and we had sex. It seems so weird now because I was pretty drunk. I do not even remember talking to him that much. It just seemed like a legit "booty call".. which I guess it was since it was 3am. The worst part about that whole situation is that I have absolutely no feelings for him whatsoever. That is not something I have ever experienced. I imagined that if I ever had sex with him there would be a connection because of how strong my emotions were for him. I mean I "loved" him after all, which as I have said earlier it was never really love, not compared to how I felt about the "Him" that I have been dealing with getting over since April...

I was supposed to go to Columbus last night to go a date with a 28-year-old man that I met when I went there to see Justin Timberlake a few weeks ago. I decided not to go, mainly because I have so much to do before finals this coming week. Luckily he understood and still wants to see me, although I am not sure if I feel the same way.

There is also this other "him" that I maybe like. Who knows... I will explain that in a later post...

So tonight... what happened tonight?.... well good question.. I was okay for most of the day, but then something happened and I got so upset around 8:30pm and I have not gotten over it yet. I have been feeling stressed out these past few weeks anyway, but today I was just pushed to my emotional breaking point.

I have been so mad and angry at "him" from the past two years, that it is really hard to mask it. As much as I am angry and upset at "him" I have been even more so angry and mad at myself for feeling like this still. It has been about 8 months and I still feel so many emotions about it. I hate myself for still feeling this way about him. I try to escape these feelings, but the only way I know how to is to sleep. He is not something I can run away from anymore when I am awake, he is forever in the back of my mind. Why? He made me feel bad for being such a good person.. Why do I love someone who makes me feel like that? Being a caring and genuine person is not a characteristic about myself that I am ashamed of. I love that about me. I truly see the good in everyone, especially "him", even though he was clearly an asshole most of the time.

I have been so ashamed that I still feel like this that I have bottled it up for as long as I could. I exploded and talked about him and my raw emotions tonight to one of my very dear friends while we were doing homework/studying for finals. I wanted to cry, but I had to hold it back. For me personally, crying has always been a sign of weakness. Not when I see other people cry though- it just lets me know that they have emotions too. I do not like to cry, because that means that I am having feelings that are not being controlled. Losing control and the unknown is a scary thing for me. I do not do well with change, obviously. I held back my tears as long as I could. When I got home tonight, my roommate offered me a hug because she knew how stressed out I was. I said no at first because I know that once I hug someone when I am in such a fragile emotional state I will breakdown, but then without hesitation I took back the "no" and immediately thrust myself into her arms for a hug that I have needed for a long time. A caring hug. Not a stiff hug like I give almost everyday to someone when I see them for the first time in a long time or a hug I say when I am leaving a friend at the end of the night. This hug was, what felt like at the time, the most caring hug I have ever received. She held me while I sobbed and snotted into and on her sweatshirt. I feel so grateful for her, because as much shit as I have put her through lately with being so moody, she was there. She IS here. She is the one that hugged me, not all the other things and people in my life who stress me out. I apologize to her on here and in person because I have been a real asshole to live with lately because of all these emotions I am not expressing in productive ways.

I am also really mad at myself because I know this is not me. Within two years I have lost my virginity, and had sex with two other people. The two other people I have had sex with have only been one night stands. That is not who I am. I know it is not, but I feel like I have just put so much into relationships in my past that I have nothing left to give emotionally. I do not want to, but I just see some guys as a something to have sex with, which is TERRIBLE I know. I am just numb. I cannot let myself get attached because clearly it does not end well. It is so much easier to walk into a bar and have multiple guys want to dance and be with me physically than try to work on a relationship outside of that. Being in a bar in that situation lets me feel physically attractive again- like it is actually possible for another man to be attracted to me.

I know that life does go on and I know that this is just a hump that I have to get over and it will not be solved tomorrow, but oh how I wish it could be. Wouldn't life be so much easier if I could wake up and forget about "him"? But it cannot, so I will deal with it the best I can, which right now means blogging about it, talking to a few choice friends about it, crying on my friends shoulders (in moments of weakness), and talking to my counselor about it.

I hope life is treating you well readers. Thanks for reading. I hope some of you can relate and not feel so alone in this big ole world.



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