Saturday, December 14, 2013

Mama Said You're a Pretty Girl, What's In Your Head, It Doesn't Matter

Well I am finally home for Christmas break..

To be honest I do not know how I feel bout it. I know it is good for me to get out of the stressful environment that is school, but at least it was something to distract me. After I got off of work last night I talked to my mom for about half an hour about the counseling sessions that I have been having and some of the things I was talking to my counselor about specifically. My most favorite part about being home is getting to hug my mom whenever I want to. She always has and always will be my safe place. Although she can be a bit naggy at times, I know that she only wants what is best for me. It truly is hard to explain to anyone why I still feel like this. My mom said it is okay to talk about it, but to not give the situation power over me, which I know is what I have been doing. 

Who says I have to still let myself get so down about this? The only person who is saying it is me. The only person who is having a hard time believing in me is ME! I feel like I am always saying how slow of a process this is for me, but it really is. I think in the long run I will be thankful that I am going through all of these processes now and being by myself for an extended period of time. It is helping me to learn who I want to be and how I want to feel, act, and think about many aspects of my life. 

I have decided next semester is MINE and no one elses. I am going to do the things I love to do. I am so thankful I decided to sign up for weight lifting classes- I think it will be an awesome time. I am also looking forward to my workout dates with a close friend on days that I do not have weight lifting class.

I will begin to slowly start eating Paleo again, or as close to it as possible. I really do not eat that much grain anyway so I do not think it will be that hard. I just need to believe in myself and really focus on changing a lot of bad habits that I have both mentally and physically.

I am not freaking out about internships as much as I was in the middle of this semester. I filmed one of my audition videos on Wednesday night and it went really well. So well that afterwards I went out to the bar and got drunk... Whoops.. Actually not whoops. I really like this guy and I am so happy he agreed to go out to the bar with me. I really had not had a conversation with him for an extended period of time, so the beginning of our bar conversation was a little awkward, but not for very long. I just feel so bad that not a lot of people like him. I feel even worse that he is aware of it. I feel better however that he does not seem to mind it. I do not have class with him next semester like I did this semester, but I hope that we are able to hang out more next semester.

I am also very grateful for some of my close friends who are a year younger than me in college who helped me in various classes. They were the best study buddies this semester, although nothing can compare to my best friend of 10 years who, if she was on campus this semester, would have been THEE most motivating person I have in my life. Anyway, those few individuals are very special to me. One in particular whom I have a crush on. He is just an awesome person and lives life with an easy going attitude. He is one of the most intelligent and, at times, opinionated people I know, but I admire him for his such strong beliefs. I had the pleasure of having about three classes with him this semester and I regret not becoming friends with him before this year. He never judges me, no matter how sketchy some of my decisions proved to be this semester. Although I did not get to say goodbye to him before I left, I texted him to let him know how grateful I am we became friends and that he got me through most of my classes. He is truly a great person and I feel honored to call him a friend.

As I reflect on this part semester, I know there is always room for improvement in my grades and other aspects, but I feel that I did very well this semester especially given my emotional state. This serious of depression is never something I have had to deal with prior to this year. I have always been a pretty happy, funny, outgoing girl, which I still consider myself. I just struggled a lot to get out of bed in the morning. I am done being afraid of life. I think these past few months I have spent my time being so afraid of getting my feelings hurt that I try to not get attached to anyone. I have been floating between a lot of different groups of people and have also been getting very angry at people whom I consider myself close to. 

I do not usually say I regret things I do in life but the things I did not do. When I had lunch earlier this week with a close friend we talked about many things. She is younger than me and I wanted to comfort her in her decision to remain abstinent. I told her I did not wait and it was with someone whom I am not going to end up with, and for me that is hard. I think that was a wrong choice for me, but that being said I can not go back and undo it, so I have to learn how to deal with it and my emotions on my own and learn how to make myself happy. She found herself relying on a man to help her decide how to feel about herself for a long time too and that is just NOT what us women need to do. 

I think for such a long time I was desperate to feel the love that I know I give others and also see in movies that I never really thought about how I viewed myself. I do not need a man to validate my feelings about myself, sure there are certain things I do not like about myself- my weight being one of them. But if I do not like that about myself, that is something I need to change for myself, not anyone else. I have been shown I can be loved no matter what the size of my pants, if not by others, by myself FIRST.

I always think life would be so much easier right now with someone to help me through all these rough times, but it would probably be better to get into a better place like a career and such before I add anyone else into the equation because then I will not be struggling so much with the whole lost college student thing. There is still plenty of life ahead of me, and no matter who I end up with, they already have a story and life. It does not just begin the minute they meet me, just like mine has already started without him. Look at everything I have been through this past calendar year, clearly my world is spinning spinning spinning round and round without him yet.

I have always felt so blessed to have such an amazing family. My friends are a close second and are my family away from home. They bring out the good in me and help me to realize that there are awesome qualities that I possess.

On another note, I think I am going to begin to distance myself from the certain "him"'s family members. I mean I am friends with most of them online, but I do not think I will be hanging out with his sister very much over break. I just thought about us hanging out and that all I would ask her about was him, and that is just not healthy for me anymore. I need to hang out with her without having the compulsion to speak about him and know all the details of his life without me. The only thing I want to hear is that he is miserable without me and talks about me all the time and misses me, but that is never something I will hear, especially not from his sister who is always trying to protect me and my feelings. Not to mention she just wants me to move on already.

Many of my friends are trying to pressure me into telling a few guys that I might be interested in that I like them. I hesitate because it does not matter to me right now. I like hanging out with them and how it is going at the moment, there is no need to bring that aspect into our friendships. I know that I am better off not being in a relationship right now because I have never been too good at the relationship aspect of my life. Well not in terms of like boyfriends. I just have not had good luck and I know that is a reflection on me and something that I must be doing "wrong". I know there is technically no "right" or "wrong" to relationships, but there is just some aspect of myself that I am missing, maybe because I am looking for someone else to find it and tell me what it is. That is not how to should be. Like my mom said last night, I need to be 100% before I look for a man because you cannot succeed when you are looking for the other person to fill in the percentage that you are missing. You also cannot be the percentage to complement another person either. You should not expect that of them and they should not expect that of you.

Please bear with me as I reflect more over this holiday break when I can collect my thoughts and clear my mind.



No comments:

Post a Comment