All Along I Believed I Would Find You...

People suck. The sooner we realize it the better off we are. We can stop thinking up these grandiose plans of when someone is going to be good to us and wake up to reality. If there is a person who is going out of their way to be exceptionally nice to you, marry them. :)

But in all seriousness, the sooner we realize the person staring back at us in the mirror is the only person we should really have expectations for I think the stronger we will become. I am, by no means, saying that I should start being mean because other people do not regard my feelings how I do- I just need to realize that. I am the most precious thing in my life, so I need to start treating myself and my body with the dignity and respect that I wish others would.

Most of this earlier talk was brought on because I tried to ask a guy, who I am interested in, to hang out this weekend and he definitely ditched me because of the weather and then told someone he really did not do anything this weekend, as if he had no options. I am not saying that the weather was not bad.. What I am hinting at is that I overanalyze everything. Clearly. I just cannot help it. It is who I am. The human mind fascinates me.

It is not that I really care what others think about me, but I overanalyze every answer that they give me. It is definitely a weakness, but it is part of me- who I am.

Now that my roommate is spending more time with her boyfriend, I am finding myself alone more and more. I think I "tried" (see how I am so self defeating by already closing the possibility of anything with that guy already?) to like that guy because I am lonely. There are no necessarily outstanding qualities that I know about him that really intrigue me by him except that I find him physically attractive. I actually told myself (and others) that I had never had sex in the town my college is in and that that was one of my goals before I graduated this May. That is not something I am necessarily proud of saying especially because to me that does not matter! If it happens, cool, but I really need to spend this last semester focusing on myself.

I am really ready to start creating habits here that will last for the rest of my life. I am working out 5 days a week and am learning how to say the word "no" to friends, although it seems opportunities to say "no" are becoming less and less as no one is really interested in hanging out anymore, although it is only the start of week two in the semester..

Although I have only been looking at the downside of being alone, I think it is worth mentioning that there are many pros to being alone.

1. I can focus on my health.
2. I can practice more.
3. I can focus more on my homework.
4. I can cook more meals for myself.
5. I can read a book at my leisure.
6. I can spend time cleaning.
7. I can listen to music.
8. I can do girly things (paint my nails, etc.)
9. I can watch girly movies.

I guess being alone is not so bad after all. I think once the semester picks up I will be a lot more busy and can spend my time consumed in more school work when I find that all I have to do is watch Netflix.

I think it is just so hard because I see many of my friends getting married, having babies, or entering serious relationships. I am just in a completely different point in my life than them. I cannot relate to them hardly at all anymore. I have never really been in a serious relationship- not one that was monogamous on the male's part anyway, speaking about "him" of course. Over these next years I think that is going to be really hard on me- watching some of my closest friends get married or move in with their boyfriends. I would, of course, have to get a boyfriend before any of those things were to happen to me. I am not trying to spend most of this blog complaining about how lonely, sad, or single I am. I am simply stating facts and trying to sort out my thoughts the best that I can in a way that is productive and understandable to me. I am fine. I am alive and fine. One of my close friends just went through a break up because his boyfriend cheated on him. We were talking this weekend and part of being human is wanting to be loved. Is that not what we all want? Why do we invest so much time in making relationships work or seeking them out? We just want to feel cared about. I do not care if you look like the worst person on a piece of paper, a criminal with some crazy history. Everyone, no matter how much in denial he/she may be about it, needs to be loved.

We are all just getting by the best we know how to do and trying to be loved somewhere along the way. I am not saying that I agree with most of the ways people try to get someone to like them, or the qualities, or lack-there-of that most people look for.

So what they guy does not like me? I like myself way more than he ever could anyway. I also respect myself enough to be honest.

There are many feelings that I have going into my last semester of ungrad. I just hope to not regret anything I do not do.

Love,

Amy