Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Please Don't Stand So Close to Me, I'm Having Trouble Breathing... I'm Afraid of What You'll See Right Now.

I know I just updated this two days ago, but my life has been pathetic as of late.. I am only saying this because I watched 7 hours of Netflix the day I updated this blog and now my internet is working too slowing to stream anymore videos, so I decided I might as well update.

You know what? I was really afraid for this NYE because I knew it was the first one in a long time that I was not going to be spending it with "him" or any him for that instance. When I think of NYE I always think that is what it is all about- kissing someone at midnight. That however is most certainly not the case. I think society really screwed my generation up, because as a single 21 year old woman I should not be still feeling like I need to rely on a man, or any partner in that case. I wish the love, appreciation and support of my friends and family were enough, but biologically that will never be enough, after all we are humans.

As I watched the last episode of the series Greek today on Netflix (see I told you it was BAD), I could not help but cry. I can never tell if my crying has solely to do with the thing I am crying about at the particular moment, or if some of it was pent up from some other aspect of my life. Either way, the last episode Casey Cartwright and her boyfriend, Cappie, were leaving to head to Washington D.C. together, leaving behind Cyprus Rhodes and their friends to start on their own adventure. Even though I do not have a significant other to leave with, but trust me I am definitely okay with that, it made me realize in a few short months that is going to be me leaving behind the college life to start my own adventure by myself. I really do not like to think about it because it makes me feel so many emotions including anxiety, excitement, and sadness. Although I usually have no trouble making friends, I am really going to miss the friends I made at school. My dad asked me the other day what I was going to do in my spare time in whatever city my internship is in. I had not really thought about it, but I told him probably join a gym and try to meet people through work or other social events.

I remember when I basically told my mom about sleeping with the him from highschool. I told her not to judge me, and she just looked at me and said "Life is hard." Which is so true. Growing up is hard. Everyone has to do it though so it is not like I will be alone in the process.

I am leaving to go back down to school this Saturday, even though classes do not start until the 13th. I need to finish up a paper that I got an extension on and I really just want to chill by myself for a week. My roommate will not be there, so I am watching her dog. I am just thankful to be having some peace and quiet before the semester starts. It is so weird for me to admit that because usually I always seem like the social butterfly, but anymore I cherish the time I spend alone. This winter break I have only hung out with two friends plus my cousin. So for being home for 3 weeks, that really is not a lot of people.

I do not really believe in New Year's Resolutions, because I will not just practice anything for one year if I make it a resolution. I need to incorporate it into my life slowly so it will become habit. There are many things I plan to incorporate into my life more from now on.

Cooking- I actually like cooking when I have time. It is fun and can be very healthy. I am going to start experimenting more with my George Foreman grill, my Crockpot, and the oven. My mom has put together a recipe book with some of her recipes for things in them, although some of them are not healthy, I will add healthy things to them and keep my recipe book on my bookshelf.

Working out- Sure we could all be more healthy, but I believe that it not only has to do with cooking and eating healthy, but also moving your butt. I do not understand where the disconnect is in my life- I love working out, going to the gym, and I feel GREAT afterwards, BUT it is just getting to the gym that is my main problem, which sucks.

Naps- I need to cut down on the naps. Sometimes they are necessary when I have been up late the night before studying or whatnot, but when I feel the need to take a nape, depending on the weather I will take a walk outside instead, cook a meal, OR do homework.

Volunteering- I would like to volunteer at the local psychiatric hospital a lot more. I always claim to be an advocate for the patients in mental health and their rights, but I am not doing so much as I am saying. I would also like to get more involved with the local chapter of NAMI.

Reading- I used to read so much for enjoyment when I was younger. One summer I read 7 full books. I miss escaping to a fictitious land and just getting lost in a book. I have sat down and read full books in two days or less (and I am talking Harry Potter, which are over 600 page books), but instead here I am on the computer constantly using technology, including my addiction to Netflix. I really love how technology has advanced, but I also think it's a curse as much as a blessing. I have let it take some of the joy out of my life. I have been a lot more conscious of not using my iPhone at the dinner table, but also other places where is it not necessary, like in the classroom.

Myself- I am really embracing the journey that is finding what makes me happy and what I deserve. I find a calmness I have with myself and others. Maybe someday I will be able to click the "add friend" button on "his" Facebook profile. I am not saying that day is today or tomorrow, but maybe some day soon. It is something I cannot describe effectively to anyone- the pain is still fresh and so are the memories, but it is almost like he was a distant memory or just a figment of my imagination. That sounds a bit confusing I know. I just am not ready to be "okay" with what has happened between the two of us. I know I will not be able to control myself if I talk to him. When I say control myself I mean by speaking of us in a romantic manner, OR trying to make him hurt just as badly as he hurt me. I do not wish to hurt him intentionally, but I just know that if I am caught up in a heated conversation with him I would not be able to do anything but just throw him hurting me back in his face. I think he already has a lot of things he lives with that are daily reminders of the mistakes he has made in the past. He is not so good at dealing with his problems as others may be.

These are just a small list of things I would like to incorporate into my life more and more each day. As we go through this year and life, do not look at your goals as unattainable if you fail one day. Failure is sure to occur, but it is trying over and over, no matter how frustrating, that will ensure success. I think if there is one common New Year's "Resolution" we should all have it is believing in ourselves enough to know anything is possible. I believe in all of you. I hope you had a good and safe celebration of the New Year. Let's show 2014 and the rest of our lives that we can do whatever we set our minds to. :)



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