I need a way to let things out and what better way than to start a blog.
So junior year of college is under my belt now.. What a crappy school year. Between the school work and life threatening blood clot, so many other things were also making my head spin. I guess I'm just really glad it is over.
I am still unsure of how I feel about being home for the summer. There are so many people here I used to call my "friends" who have let me down. I don't know if I can really count on them this summer. Although I really didn't hang out with many people this past school year. I mostly stayed to myself, barely saw any of my friends from freshman or sophomore year. I miss them, but our lives are going in different directions now. Sure we have OU to keep us linked together, but other than that we have other majors and with rehearsals it's hard to find time to spend together that we both have free.
When I came back to OU after the drama of Spring Break, I decided to go to a counselor. She asked me what qualities I really looked for in a friend. It was honestly something I had never thought about before. I was never a person who had to seek out friends. I have always been the loud person that people gravitate towards, whether to pull themselves out of their shell or just to have a good time. I never have really thought about denying someone a friendship. I am a pretty open-minded and accepting person.
One thing I have learned though is that no matter how accepting I am, I do not deserve the treatment that some individuals have given me. Just because I am so nice, it does not mean that you have the right to walk in a out of my life as you please. I think I have given off the wrong impression of what type of friendship I want or need. Your friendship with me cannot just be like a revolving door. You may not just come and go as you please. Even though it is extremely hard for me to say this: I will not be standing around waiting for you forever. I know you all may think I'm crazy for saying it was hard to make that last statement, but it's extremely hard. I am never a person to walk away from a friendship. It is not even that I don't think I deserve better. I know I deserve better treatment than I've received from certain individuals in the past, but I guess it's just so hard for me to accept and leave. I believe that anything can work if you're willing to put in the effort.
For me confrontation is hard, no matter what context it's in. If it involves my feelings or the possibility of getting hurt, I usually run away. I would rather not talk about it.
So many girls nowadays feel that they need a man or have to be in a relationship to define themselves. For a long time I honestly did, even though I've never really had that luxury. I would always state "I have to find someone to like because if not what will I do?!"Well I just got out of a super bad situation with one of the best friends I've ever had, and I can honestly say I am learning very slowly what it's like to be alone. I'm going to finally start defining myself, not in terms of my relationship with other people, but by who I want to be and who I am!
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Cheers to never letting anyone else define you!
