Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Not Really Sure How to Feel About it

Well Monday I found out some pretty interesting news. Isn't it funny how things in life can change within- what seems like- a matter of minutes?!

It's hard because I can't remember anything about the way I felt before you came into my life two years ago. Someone asked me the other day if I really did love you, and I know I did because I can't remember how I felt about the person I thought I loved before you. When I saw him the last time, I tried to remember what it felt like with him, but I couldn't. I can't think of any way I feel, except for when I'm with you. I always felt more alive than ever. Everything we did and every moment I have saved in my head was an adventure.

I think that's why it's so hard to be home for the summer. Every little thing here reminds me of you. Today I heard the song "Fancy" by Drake and all I could do was laugh at the memories associated with that song with you and shake my head. Yup that's right,  all I can do is laugh, especially at this situation. There are no more tears that I can shed over you. You don't deserve them, nor did you ever. You clearly moved on, and you know what? That's fine by me because the girl you moved on to is nothing like me. So if she's the kind of girl you're looking for, I'm glad you stopped stringing me along longer than you already had. 2 years was quite enough. I'm glad you realized I was too good for you before I did, you saved me the trouble and waste. I'm glad you finally found what you were looking for. Clearly it was a live-in, mooching girlfriend. I hope to God you are happy, because I know I'm getting there. It's weird when you not only spend time with someone, but they slowly start to become your best friend. He/she is the one you want to call or talk to when anything happens in your life- you used to be that for me. Once she came in, that quickly stopped. Actually once she moved in with you, you completely stopped communicating with me altogether, which I expect. I obviously think she's a charity case; you probably claim you can change her. Well hunny, I got news for you: You cannot make someone change if they don't want to change or see they need to change. What do you think I tried to do with you? I thought I could be superwoman and "fix" you and all your baggage and heartaches from the past. Well I couldn't do it, and I shouldn't have to. You made your baggage mine and tried to make it my problem too. Well it's not. Don't get me wrong, I have sympathy to a certain extent, but not when it gets in the way of having a functioning relationship.

I messaged you on FaceBook the other day hoping you would respond so we could meet in a neutral place and talk so that I could get some closure and move on, but the message was read, just never replied to. I'm gonna be okay. You didn't make me feel any way that I felt the past couple years- I let myself feel that way. No one forced me to care about you. Actually everyone told me how much I shouldn't give two shits about you because you never had any regard for my feelings, clearly.

Enough about you, I've already given "you" too much of my energy AND time, of which you have deserved NONE.

I told my parents the other day I wanted to see a psychologist again like I did in high school, clearly they don't understand. Then my mom began giving me her point of view about the situation. How are you supposed to get advice from people who are bias towards you? They finally agreed, so I'm going there sometime soon- hopefully next week.

Anyway this summer is for me. It's the last summer I have as an undergrad. I'm not spending/wasting it on people that I don't matter to. I am also not going to be spending my spare time doing things I don't want to do. This summer is for me to become healthy in body and mind. This summer is my chance- it'll never be the "right" time in life and I may not ever get another chance, no one knows what tomorrow holds, so I'm becoming a better, healthier person for me. I live for no one else anymore, but myself. No more will I ever let someone influence my life and happiness. Not ever again.

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