Thursday, May 30, 2013

Why is Everything with You so Complicated?

It's complicated: two simple words that can have a huge story behind them. I went to my therapist yesterday and that is what we discussed. I'm feeling as though everything in my life is very complicated.

I've always deserved better than I have ever received. Although I feel like it is sometimes, it is never my job to "fix" people. What does that even mean anyway? They're obviously not physically broken. How can I fix something that cannot be seen? I can't. How can I especially change or fix something that the person, he, himself, is not able to see. Denial never got anyone anywhere.

We also discussed how important patience is. What's that saying? "Patience is a virtue"? Well patience needs to become a necessity in my life. Hanging out with people in my life who are trying to coax me into moving on too quickly or trying to find a replacement are not people I need to be surrounding myself with. If I was going out and making terrible decisions with multiple people, then you would have to worry about me, but taking my good old time is OK. The healing process, whether it's mending a broken heart or the grieving of a loved one, takes time and there is absolutely no reason to be rushed.

The doctor also mentioned the importance of boundaries. Boundaries, not only keep people at a distance (if you want them to be), they also help keep yourself in check. We discussed that right now I am in a vulnerable stage and there is really no need whatsoever to come in contact with certain people. I am not completely over the situation and until I am, I will still be tempted into those situations that hurt me before. That old saying "If you fool me once, shame on you. If you fool me twice, shame on me." It would be totally devastating to have to relive a tragic event, wouldn't it? Well that's why when we see history beginning to repeat itself, we need to steer clear and not get caught up in the moment, thinking or assuming it will somehow be different this time.

I also talked about needing to prioritize. Priorities? What the hell are those? I feel like I've really had no priorities for such a long time. It's way past time I start focusing on school again. I got extremely far behind in my school work this week, and because of that today and tomorrow are going to be terrible days, including reading 120 pages of a book and writing a paper over it. Procrastination can not get the best of me this summer. I won't let it!

I am going to try to call the local psych ward again to see if I can volunteer there, because I was supposed to be getting that paperwork rolling, but I was never gotten back to, and sometimes in life if you want things done, you have to take matters into your own hands.

I am extremely excited to see my sister this weekend and celebrate her birthday with my parents in Cincinnati; I love that city, oh and I love seeing my sister too, of course!

I have been helping out with my local tennis camp this week since my high school coach asks current students and alumni back to help teach the grade school-aged kids from the community. I felt great yesterday during the day, but towards night I felt terrible. Maybe it was the sun? I was having headaches on and off all day and severe stomach pain. I did not physically get sick, but it wouldn't have surprised me if I had! The last substantial thing I ate yesterday was a turkey sandwich at 3pm. I was not sure I would be able to help out with the camp this morning, but I decided to suck it up and help. I still have not eaten anything today really. I had a CLIF protein brownie and a slushy my mom brought me after she ran errands. I just do not have an appetite. I was doing so well with eating right and working out everyday too! But I was not able to go yesterday or today because I've felt too lousy. I am hoping to get back into my workout routine as soon as I can!

It's almost Friday! :)

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