Sunday, May 26, 2013

I've Been Out On That Open Road..

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. I guess I've just been busy... Yes, even though I don't have a job I manage to stay busy. I'm doing well in my online summer classes, but this week I need to focus more on school work. I am also happy to be going shopping for the first time since I've been home- I could really use some retail therapy.

I had a close friend that was supposed to visit me this weekend. I have not heard from him after multiple attempts to contact him via phone and Facebook. All I hope is that he is okay. I've also tried contacting another friend who I am extremely close to. I've texted her about every other day for about a week. The last text I sent her was "I do not understand why you're ignoring me." She recently became close with her ex-boyfriend, and I swear if she leaves me AGAIN like she did in high school for him, I do not think I can be friends with her any longer. What makes this time different than before with him? He miraculously changed? Well he has changed because he became a FATHER after you broke up because he got a girl pregnant and they moved in together and now they split up and he wants you now? Well you have to also want his kid that he has now! It's hard because we've been friends for so long, but I know it's just not right for me to keep being a revolving door for her.

In other news, I went to the doctors this past Friday and he said that I will need blood work done this Wednesday because I have been feeling tired lately; maybe an Iron deficiency? He also said he expects me to remain on blood thinners until July and then I will get an MRI/MRV to see the status of the clot in my head. I am happy to hear that I will most likely be off blood thinners in July, but I'm even happier all my results came back from January (I know it takes FOREVER, right?) and I do NOT have the inherited clotting disorder! This was a major concern for me.

For him:
In other news, I heard you no longer have a relationship with your new live-in girlfriend. You kicked her out. I hear you have a new one though that works with you. I want to know what's so wrong with me that you can already be on your second girl and I'm still hung up on you?! For as much progress as I've made these past few weeks, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I would like to apologize for confronting you at the gas station. I just knew it might be my only chance to see you and I had to say something. I thought it would help, but it's just made me think about you even more. Friday night, driving to your house to pick your sister up gave me severe anxiety- I almost had to turn the car around. We texted last night for an hour back and forth laughing about memories we made together. You randomly texted me today, no idea why, but you did. You're having back surgery on Tuesday and I cannot stop hoping and praying that everything will go well for you. I want more than anything for you to stop having to worry about your back and be in constant pain all the time.
I cannot forget the hurt that you caused me, it's effected me too much. I'm just using it as a learning experience. What I can do however is forgive you. I have to. It's not going to do me any good if I hold a grudge against you for the rest of my life. I do not have any hope that anything will come out of texting each other, no relationship or even friendship for that matter. I will not let myself be surprised at anything that happens because nothing phases me anymore.

I can actually thank him for inspiring me to become healthier. Not really for any other reason other than proving to myself that no one's going to love me unless I love myself. So I must start with myself. I also need to prove to myself that I am stronger than I think I am. I have worked out everyday for the past two weeks and I feel great! This summer I am going to put together a book of great recipes from my mom and the internet. I've also decided to go Paleo when I go back to school and start back to CrossFit. It's easier than the diet I am on now.

Since it's Memorial Day, I take the time, especially now, to remember all of the people who have passed away in my life and the US armed forces who died fighting for my freedom and those still alive, stationed across the world. I sincerely thank you for your service.
When I went to visit the graves of the only grandparents I was old enough to remember one day during Spring Break in March, I just stood over their graves and wept. I just recently saw my paternal grandparents' graves last weekend when I moved my furniture into my house down at school. As much as people say it's hard to imagine their lives without so and so, it is extremely difficult to imagine a life with my grandparents watching me graduate high school and college, or even know I was born. It's not that I do not wish for that or get jealous of friends or classmates who have that, I just have never experienced that so I can not fathom it. That would be a dream world. I do have memories of my mother's parents from early in my life, but none of my father's. I remember when I was a little girl, I used to ask my parents if my grandparents would be proud of the little girl I was. Well even though I do not know the personality of two of my grandparents, I live almost everyday striving to make them and my parents proud. I have lost many other family members over the years, whom I love and think about often. I've always loved seeing and being surrounded by family ever since I can remember.

My families are both older than most other people's that I know. My cousins on my dad's side are all closer to my dad's age rather than mine or my sister's age. Being surrounded by death at such a young age is just not fair. It doesn't get easier to deal with over time. Within the past two weeks, two of my high school classmates, who graduated a year after me, have passed. One from a motorcycle accident and the other from health complications. I will never understand how God (I do believe in God, I just hate religion sometimes. I do not know if I identify solely in one) chooses the way he does. Is he choosing the person because he needs them where he is or is he choosing the person because he wants to prove to us still on Earth that we're stronger than we think? What I do know is that it does help to know you are not alone in the grieving process.

I have to be completely honest: I fear death. I don't think this is an irrational fear, but it's one I don't like to discuss often. Sometimes I think about one day I won't be here on Earth anymore either, and I wonder what it feels like. I just fear what happens next so much. It's the unknown. The unknown is scary to most people. I also have never really thought about what I think happens to people when they pass. I go to my family members' graves, seeking some sort of solace, but I know it's not there. They are not there. It's just their bodies, not their souls. Their souls are somewhere else, perhaps soaring high above.

Speaking of souls, I've been thinking a lot lately about my beliefs of "soul mates". I have to believe that there is one person somewhere in the world that I am "destined to be with" for the rest of my life, but I can't live my life waiting for him to walk into my life. I'm not bringing back my huge list of requirements that I made a few years ago, but I do think the most important aspect of him that I need, especially right now, is someone who cares about and respects me as equally as I do him. I do not think that is too much to ask for.

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