Okay, so it has been a while since I updated this and I figured there is no better time than the present especially if this blog is for benefitting my emotional health.
I do not know what has been wrong with me lately, but I have just not been myself lately. I feel different. I find myself becoming more and more pessimistic about life and the world rather than optimistic. I am really beginning to be discouraged by the human race. I do not understand people, including myself. Maybe that is why my cognitive psychology class is so interesting to me this semester.
I felt that I was doing good this semester, including last week when I had 2 papers and 4 tests. This week on the other hand I have felt absolutely terrible about a lot of things. I make other peoples' problems mine way too much.
I have stopped doing what I enjoy as much as I used to. I need to start doing things I enjoy more and be around people I want to be around.
I am happy I am going home this weekend so I can go to a Cleveland Browns game. Getting out of college mode will be nice, although it is always a terrible adjustment even after a short period of time, like the weekend.
I am feeling terrible about myself recently, mostly because I got out of my exercising routine I had this summer. I was eating clean and working out 4-5 times a week. Now I am lucky if I am able to work out twice a week. I need to start eating more healthily again. I am positive that will help with my mood.
I am still trying to be in contact with the boy from home that I really like, although it is hard because we both have really busy schedules with school. Hopefully I will be able to see him this weekend when I go home.
I have actually been thinking about "him" much more often as well. A few weeks ago I realized that he blocked me from Facebook. I mean it is understandable given the circumstances that we both do not need to be constantly reminded of one another, but it hurts. I know I spent my entire summer "getting over"/ coming to terms with the whole situation, but it would be lying to myself and you if I did not acknowledge the hurt and longing I still feel for him. I understand things in life happen and there are much worse things happening in other peoples' lives, but he is/was a very important person in my life. I really miss someone who I knew would text me everyday no matter what. Someone, besides my parents, who wanted to talk on the phone. I think I am especially thinking about it more this semester because I am also missing my best friend from middle school. She took this semester off to do an internship and will be back in the Spring to graduate with me. It is my first time being at college and not having her live less than 3 minutes away from me. She was the one person I sought for an escape from my academic life, OR at times she would always be my library date when I needed to be productive. I really miss her and hope she knows how much I appreciate her and think about her, even when she is not here.
Everyday I wake up with the temptation to text "him". I think about him on my walk to class, during class, and random other times throughout my day. When something happens, he is still the first person I want to tell. That is why I usually end up calling my mom 3-5 times a day. I have never been this bad when it comes to calling her, but she can usually make me feel better by distracting me with talk about her and my father's lives at home.
I am beginning to lose my motivation again. I slept almost all day today. I went to all three of my classes, but I slept in between them, which was not productive in the least bit, especially when I have so much to do still this week.
I wish I would have called sooner to try and get an appointment with my psychologist when I go home this weekend. I may call his office in the morning to see if he has any openings for Saturday. I think it would make me feel a lot better to see him and talk to him. He made me feel less crazy.
There is not really anyone here at school I want to talk to about the things I talk to him about. I mean I joke around about my life situation a lot, but I really want to seriously talk about it to someone. Most people, especially in college, are so absorbed in what they are doing at the moment that they do not really care about what you have to say anyway.
I am happy I decided to write tonight, I know it is going to make sleeping tonight much easier.
Love,
Amy
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Will You Still Love Me When I'm No Longer Young and Beautiful?
Wow it has been quite some time since I updated this. A lot has happened since the middle of August.
Well I have no spoken to "him" since we got in the last fight when he called me an asshole and said I showed my true colors.
So I met this 33-year-old guy at the bar about a month ago. We had went to the bar a couple times and met up there. Well the weekend before I left to head back down to school my cousin and I went to a bar near his house in his town to hang with him and his friends.. Long story short I ended up having sex with him. I actually had no problem just having sex with him. I honestly do not have feelings for him. I have not really thought about him until now as I type this. Also the "him" I liked in high school is texting me pictures of his dick.. Uh what? I have no desire to get caught up in that shit again. I never really did deal with it when it was over 4 years ago. I just told him we could not be friends anymore and agreed to give our friendship a long break. Eventually I just started liking the "him" I always refer to in these posts. So I never fully "got over" the "him" from high school.
The night before I left my family had their annual party at my house, which is my favorite day of the year. Well my cousin has a friend that went to high school with me and is a year older than me. Last year he invited him and this year he invited him again. So now that I am finally legal for one of these parties we drank together. The new "him" got drunk enough that he did not want to chance driving home so he stayed the night at my house. Well everyone who was not staying the night left around 1am. "He" stayed up until 4am talking to me with his head in my lap, holding my hand. We actually had an extremely deep conversation for being as tipsy as we both were. I was not expecting anything like that to happen between us. We have actually texted everyday this week since I got back to school. :) I am not going to hold my breath for anything to happen. Like I have been telling my friends, I tried the whole being in love with the previous "him" and that did not work out whatsoever. Now I am just trying to have a fun life that I enjoy. No one knows what tomorrow holds, but I know right now I feel great about the new perspective guy I am texting. He is honestly a great person. I do not remember ever talking to him in high school, but he has a lot of the same goals in life that I do. He wants to accomplish many things and I am really attracted to that aspect of him.
The first week of school:
I do not think I have had a more intense first week of school before. I had probably 6-7 hours of reading to do this week, which I did and am proud of myself. I still have a lot more to do this week, but I am grateful I have tonight and all day tomorrow because of the holiday to work on it. I made a list of my goals for this school year so that I stay on track more. I want my senior year to be fun, but also a year I am proud of. I absolutely love living with my roomie. We have a two bedroom house and although many would say it is far away, I do not care. I love her and the puppy. Well we are going grocery shopping so we can make enchiladas for dinner! Update soon.
Love,
Amy
Well I have no spoken to "him" since we got in the last fight when he called me an asshole and said I showed my true colors.
So I met this 33-year-old guy at the bar about a month ago. We had went to the bar a couple times and met up there. Well the weekend before I left to head back down to school my cousin and I went to a bar near his house in his town to hang with him and his friends.. Long story short I ended up having sex with him. I actually had no problem just having sex with him. I honestly do not have feelings for him. I have not really thought about him until now as I type this. Also the "him" I liked in high school is texting me pictures of his dick.. Uh what? I have no desire to get caught up in that shit again. I never really did deal with it when it was over 4 years ago. I just told him we could not be friends anymore and agreed to give our friendship a long break. Eventually I just started liking the "him" I always refer to in these posts. So I never fully "got over" the "him" from high school.
The night before I left my family had their annual party at my house, which is my favorite day of the year. Well my cousin has a friend that went to high school with me and is a year older than me. Last year he invited him and this year he invited him again. So now that I am finally legal for one of these parties we drank together. The new "him" got drunk enough that he did not want to chance driving home so he stayed the night at my house. Well everyone who was not staying the night left around 1am. "He" stayed up until 4am talking to me with his head in my lap, holding my hand. We actually had an extremely deep conversation for being as tipsy as we both were. I was not expecting anything like that to happen between us. We have actually texted everyday this week since I got back to school. :) I am not going to hold my breath for anything to happen. Like I have been telling my friends, I tried the whole being in love with the previous "him" and that did not work out whatsoever. Now I am just trying to have a fun life that I enjoy. No one knows what tomorrow holds, but I know right now I feel great about the new perspective guy I am texting. He is honestly a great person. I do not remember ever talking to him in high school, but he has a lot of the same goals in life that I do. He wants to accomplish many things and I am really attracted to that aspect of him.
The first week of school:
I do not think I have had a more intense first week of school before. I had probably 6-7 hours of reading to do this week, which I did and am proud of myself. I still have a lot more to do this week, but I am grateful I have tonight and all day tomorrow because of the holiday to work on it. I made a list of my goals for this school year so that I stay on track more. I want my senior year to be fun, but also a year I am proud of. I absolutely love living with my roomie. We have a two bedroom house and although many would say it is far away, I do not care. I love her and the puppy. Well we are going grocery shopping so we can make enchiladas for dinner! Update soon.
Love,
Amy
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
You're No Good For Me, But Baby I Want You, I Want You.
It has been a really long time since I posted.. There's not really that much to say, but I will say something anyway.
So the last time I posted "he" had called me.. Well about a week after that post we got into a fight... over texting of course. What's new?
He had the audacity to tell me that texting me made him feel like he was texting his ex-girlfreind.. You know the one I mentioned that was mooching on him all of March. Well let's just say that did NOT sit well with me. I told him I would not stand for him to say that after everything him and I have been through. I told him he would regret the day that he let me slip away. Then he called me crazy. I told him that he was the crazy one and that I wish I was her because at least he loved her enough to make her his girlfriend. I also said he only loved me when he was afraid I was going to die in the hospital at the end of January. Then he called me an asshole. I told him he was the asshole and that he played the biggest game with me. I thanked him because no man will ever pull the wall over my eyes like he did. Then he said I showed my true colors. I said some more stuff to him, but we have not talked at all since then. I have actually been trying not to think about it.
I had some help with getting my mind off of it because I went to Kentucky and Tennessee with my mother, two aunts, and cousin from Thursday-Monday. Thankfully I did not have a lot of cell phone reception, and I was receiving text messages from the guy I met at the bar in my hometown when I did get a signal. So I was texting him instead of "him".
It really has not gotten easier with time like everyone assured me it would. I think tomorrow is my last appointment with my psychologist. I am scared. I need to find one when I go back to school. The only problem with changing psychologists is that you have to explain your story over and over again. It is just like reopening the wound again. Tearing my heart right back open. Makes it feel like it is happening all over again in that very moment.
Next Saturday the 24th is my favorite day of the year. Not date, but day. So my dad's side of the family always has their annual get together and my parents have hosted it long before I was born. I truly love my family and I cannot wait to spend time with them. That also means that my sissy is coming up from Cincinnati! I cannot wait to see her. I text her occasionally, but I do not talk to her as much as I would like to or should.
I ended up getting a "B" in Biology. Dude I will so take it!!! I am proud of myself. There is always room for improvement, but at least I did well. I have a final report due for my other class that is 15% of my final grade due Friday. I have no doubt I will do very well on the paper and get an "A" for that class.
I went online to look at my classes and bought a book for one of them. I am not registered for a couple classes yet, there is this stupid thing where you cannot sign up for classes until after the summer.. Blah Blah.
Today was a great day. I got up at 7:30am, made breakfast, worked out. Then I went over to my cousin's house, a doctor's appointment, then I went to the grocery store, and then got coffee.
Oh speaking of the grocery store, I saw "his" brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law there. We talked for a good 45 minutes about things. It is so sad to me because I really like and get along with his family members. His brother told me not to worry about him because he just makes decisions based off of impulsions, which I completely agree with. It was very nice to see those two today, although I was nervous that I would not know what to say, but we talked like we knew each other forever. He mentioned the older lady "he" was seeing, said she seemed nice, but he does not really know her or understand why "he" would want to be with her.
Here is how I am beginning to think of my life:
I am starting school in the fall with or without him in my life. There is no guarantee in life of other people being a constant. You just have to move on and hope that they miss you as much as you miss them. I think this year, although being my last in school, signals a new beginning in my life. Heck I have been through more in the beginning of 2013 than I ever imagined I would. It has made me stronger, along with many other things. No matter if a relationship ends with anyone, I know that I could never lose my compassion for others. I will never stop caring and I do not believe that I have to. Life is too short to hold grudges. Lord knows I have forgiven "him" for this whole situation. It does not matter what anyone else thinks about this situation. It is past time to think about myself and the decision I want to make. I will have to admit that it is hard to imagine going forward without him, because just a few short months ago I imagined we would take Chicago, or whatever big city we moved to, by storm. However that is not the case. I just wish people did not sell themselves so short. Life is too short to not strive for the life you want to live and the goals you want to accomplish. I honestly wish for him the best life I could ever imagine for someone, because although he hurt me, he deserves happiness, the same as anyone else.
Working out: Well I worked out one day when I was in Tennessee, not any others. :( I know shame on me. I am really committed to it because I hit the gym hard this morning. I am extremely terrified though that when I go back to school I will lose my motivation to go to the gym everyday like I have been this summer. I cannot lose my motivation to get in shape! I have to do it for me. I really am trying to take better care of myself. The problem I have now is sleeping at night. I do not know why it is so hard for me to fall asleep, even when I am exhausted. I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night. Not nearly enough for me to want to function off of, but that is life.
Tomorrow I have an orientation to volunteer at the local psych. hospital. Yeah I know barely a week left of summer and I am finally getting into there. I have been trying all summer, but the stupid paperwork for the state takes such a long time. I am really hoping to have a good week there and hopefully be able to go back during winter break when I am not working my holiday job.
Also would like to mention that I received a call from my hematologist to say that I am blood clot free and was able to discontinue taking my blood thinners two weeks ago. I am almost feeling back to my normal self. That was such good news. My mom calls it "Miracle #3" in my life, which I completely agree with. I am so lucky to be alive every day. There is no way that I will live the rest of my life not cherishing every moment.
I just found this quote, but I would like to close with it:
"The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye.
The story of love is hello and goodbye.
Until we meet again."
-- Jimi Hendrix
Love,
Amy
So the last time I posted "he" had called me.. Well about a week after that post we got into a fight... over texting of course. What's new?
He had the audacity to tell me that texting me made him feel like he was texting his ex-girlfreind.. You know the one I mentioned that was mooching on him all of March. Well let's just say that did NOT sit well with me. I told him I would not stand for him to say that after everything him and I have been through. I told him he would regret the day that he let me slip away. Then he called me crazy. I told him that he was the crazy one and that I wish I was her because at least he loved her enough to make her his girlfriend. I also said he only loved me when he was afraid I was going to die in the hospital at the end of January. Then he called me an asshole. I told him he was the asshole and that he played the biggest game with me. I thanked him because no man will ever pull the wall over my eyes like he did. Then he said I showed my true colors. I said some more stuff to him, but we have not talked at all since then. I have actually been trying not to think about it.
I had some help with getting my mind off of it because I went to Kentucky and Tennessee with my mother, two aunts, and cousin from Thursday-Monday. Thankfully I did not have a lot of cell phone reception, and I was receiving text messages from the guy I met at the bar in my hometown when I did get a signal. So I was texting him instead of "him".
It really has not gotten easier with time like everyone assured me it would. I think tomorrow is my last appointment with my psychologist. I am scared. I need to find one when I go back to school. The only problem with changing psychologists is that you have to explain your story over and over again. It is just like reopening the wound again. Tearing my heart right back open. Makes it feel like it is happening all over again in that very moment.
Next Saturday the 24th is my favorite day of the year. Not date, but day. So my dad's side of the family always has their annual get together and my parents have hosted it long before I was born. I truly love my family and I cannot wait to spend time with them. That also means that my sissy is coming up from Cincinnati! I cannot wait to see her. I text her occasionally, but I do not talk to her as much as I would like to or should.
I ended up getting a "B" in Biology. Dude I will so take it!!! I am proud of myself. There is always room for improvement, but at least I did well. I have a final report due for my other class that is 15% of my final grade due Friday. I have no doubt I will do very well on the paper and get an "A" for that class.
I went online to look at my classes and bought a book for one of them. I am not registered for a couple classes yet, there is this stupid thing where you cannot sign up for classes until after the summer.. Blah Blah.
Today was a great day. I got up at 7:30am, made breakfast, worked out. Then I went over to my cousin's house, a doctor's appointment, then I went to the grocery store, and then got coffee.
Oh speaking of the grocery store, I saw "his" brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law there. We talked for a good 45 minutes about things. It is so sad to me because I really like and get along with his family members. His brother told me not to worry about him because he just makes decisions based off of impulsions, which I completely agree with. It was very nice to see those two today, although I was nervous that I would not know what to say, but we talked like we knew each other forever. He mentioned the older lady "he" was seeing, said she seemed nice, but he does not really know her or understand why "he" would want to be with her.
Here is how I am beginning to think of my life:
I am starting school in the fall with or without him in my life. There is no guarantee in life of other people being a constant. You just have to move on and hope that they miss you as much as you miss them. I think this year, although being my last in school, signals a new beginning in my life. Heck I have been through more in the beginning of 2013 than I ever imagined I would. It has made me stronger, along with many other things. No matter if a relationship ends with anyone, I know that I could never lose my compassion for others. I will never stop caring and I do not believe that I have to. Life is too short to hold grudges. Lord knows I have forgiven "him" for this whole situation. It does not matter what anyone else thinks about this situation. It is past time to think about myself and the decision I want to make. I will have to admit that it is hard to imagine going forward without him, because just a few short months ago I imagined we would take Chicago, or whatever big city we moved to, by storm. However that is not the case. I just wish people did not sell themselves so short. Life is too short to not strive for the life you want to live and the goals you want to accomplish. I honestly wish for him the best life I could ever imagine for someone, because although he hurt me, he deserves happiness, the same as anyone else.
Working out: Well I worked out one day when I was in Tennessee, not any others. :( I know shame on me. I am really committed to it because I hit the gym hard this morning. I am extremely terrified though that when I go back to school I will lose my motivation to go to the gym everyday like I have been this summer. I cannot lose my motivation to get in shape! I have to do it for me. I really am trying to take better care of myself. The problem I have now is sleeping at night. I do not know why it is so hard for me to fall asleep, even when I am exhausted. I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night. Not nearly enough for me to want to function off of, but that is life.
Tomorrow I have an orientation to volunteer at the local psych. hospital. Yeah I know barely a week left of summer and I am finally getting into there. I have been trying all summer, but the stupid paperwork for the state takes such a long time. I am really hoping to have a good week there and hopefully be able to go back during winter break when I am not working my holiday job.
Also would like to mention that I received a call from my hematologist to say that I am blood clot free and was able to discontinue taking my blood thinners two weeks ago. I am almost feeling back to my normal self. That was such good news. My mom calls it "Miracle #3" in my life, which I completely agree with. I am so lucky to be alive every day. There is no way that I will live the rest of my life not cherishing every moment.
I just found this quote, but I would like to close with it:
"The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye.
The story of love is hello and goodbye.
Until we meet again."
-- Jimi Hendrix
Love,
Amy
Monday, July 29, 2013
I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In
Oh where to begin.. Life happens way too fucking fast, lemme just say that.
"He" has been texting me the past couple days saying he is going to stop by my house on his way home from work because my house is between work and his house.. But he never does. Earlier today before he got off I texted him and told him that I would be home all afternoon and that he should stop by. I got ready and literally sat on my bed watching out of the window for 45 minutes hoping that he would pull up into my driveway to see me. Yeah so apparently I am not getting any better with this whole situation.
He called me tonight while I was doing homework. I looked over and saw it was him. Part of me hesitated to answer his call, but the other part of me (the more hopeful part) quickly answered and began talking to him. He said he would rather talk on the phone than through texting. It felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly in the heart every time he spoke, how I miss that (used to be) familiar voice. He did mention that woman he has been seeing quite a bit. He told me that he was actually starting to focus on himself and not worry about any situations. Just let them happen as they may. I told him that is what I have been doing this summer- focusing on myself. I could not dare be so honest to him and say it is hard to get out of bed, be motivated to do any work, or even love life without him. I do not want to make him feel guilty for me feeling this way. I am still so devastated by this all. It has only been a few months, but it feels like I have been feeling like this my whole life. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember what truly being happy feels like.
I was talking to a friend on Friday night and I just started screaming in the car how unfair it was that I feel like this and he does not and how he just gets to move on and be oh so happy in his new life. Well lah-dee-freaking-dah. I find myself wanting to hate him, but I just seem to hate myself more and more each day when I wonder why I cannot get over this.
I think there should be an institution for love rehab because I think it can be an addiction. I know that this post is extremely depressing, and I swear most days I am fine about dealing with it, but after tonight's phone conversation, I have not been able to focus on anything. I am actually going to watch "The Last Song" after I post this because I know it will make me cry.
After we got off of the phone I told him that I just missed him as my friend, I could not care about anything else. He responded by saying " a normal friendship lasts 2-3 years. Google it." I told him I believed that was stupid shit and that it did not have to be like that if people tried harder to maintain friendships.
The minute something becomes hard for him he walks away. It is almost like he hates being challenged. No one necessarily likes to work really hard on things which we feel should be easy, but damnit I am standing here willing to work.
He wrote this situation off a long time ago and just decided to "dump" me on the side of the road in March...
How can one person make you feel so useless? I sit around daily wondering what it is about me that he truly did not like. I am not one to be conceded, but seriously of every woman he has been with I believe I am the most sane and understanding/caring of them all. And I have my shit together the most too.
Well I am getting off of here to watch the movie. I will post soon enough, and I promise it will NOT be as depressing as this one!
Love,
Amy
"He" has been texting me the past couple days saying he is going to stop by my house on his way home from work because my house is between work and his house.. But he never does. Earlier today before he got off I texted him and told him that I would be home all afternoon and that he should stop by. I got ready and literally sat on my bed watching out of the window for 45 minutes hoping that he would pull up into my driveway to see me. Yeah so apparently I am not getting any better with this whole situation.
He called me tonight while I was doing homework. I looked over and saw it was him. Part of me hesitated to answer his call, but the other part of me (the more hopeful part) quickly answered and began talking to him. He said he would rather talk on the phone than through texting. It felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly in the heart every time he spoke, how I miss that (used to be) familiar voice. He did mention that woman he has been seeing quite a bit. He told me that he was actually starting to focus on himself and not worry about any situations. Just let them happen as they may. I told him that is what I have been doing this summer- focusing on myself. I could not dare be so honest to him and say it is hard to get out of bed, be motivated to do any work, or even love life without him. I do not want to make him feel guilty for me feeling this way. I am still so devastated by this all. It has only been a few months, but it feels like I have been feeling like this my whole life. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember what truly being happy feels like.
I was talking to a friend on Friday night and I just started screaming in the car how unfair it was that I feel like this and he does not and how he just gets to move on and be oh so happy in his new life. Well lah-dee-freaking-dah. I find myself wanting to hate him, but I just seem to hate myself more and more each day when I wonder why I cannot get over this.
I think there should be an institution for love rehab because I think it can be an addiction. I know that this post is extremely depressing, and I swear most days I am fine about dealing with it, but after tonight's phone conversation, I have not been able to focus on anything. I am actually going to watch "The Last Song" after I post this because I know it will make me cry.
After we got off of the phone I told him that I just missed him as my friend, I could not care about anything else. He responded by saying " a normal friendship lasts 2-3 years. Google it." I told him I believed that was stupid shit and that it did not have to be like that if people tried harder to maintain friendships.
The minute something becomes hard for him he walks away. It is almost like he hates being challenged. No one necessarily likes to work really hard on things which we feel should be easy, but damnit I am standing here willing to work.
He wrote this situation off a long time ago and just decided to "dump" me on the side of the road in March...
How can one person make you feel so useless? I sit around daily wondering what it is about me that he truly did not like. I am not one to be conceded, but seriously of every woman he has been with I believe I am the most sane and understanding/caring of them all. And I have my shit together the most too.
Well I am getting off of here to watch the movie. I will post soon enough, and I promise it will NOT be as depressing as this one!
Love,
Amy
Monday, July 22, 2013
I Dive Into Frozen Waves Where The Past Comes Back To Life.
I have been meaning to update my blog for a few weeks now. I went to see my psychologist the week before last. I am struggling to know what I believe in anymore. I brought up that I think my self-esteem is low anymore because of my situation, but he does not agree. He said that I know what I want, I have my head on straight, etc. I think I depended so long though on someone else's opinion of myself that it is extremely hard to know how I feel about myself, but I have realized that I do love myself. Sometimes I may not feel very loved, but it is only my fault for not showing myself how much I love me. I do not mean for that to sound conceded, because I may be a lot of things but conceded is not one of them. I just know that I have to start living for myself. I am making myself happy because there is not anyone in my life right now that is going out of their way to make me happy.
So I went on vacation last week. It was very fun and extremely relaxing. Thursday three people- all past men I have been involved with decided to text me. All in the same day, I know.. I just sat there like what the hell is going on right now!? You guessed it, one was "him".
I told myself earlier today that if I still feel the same exact way as I do at this moment in May 2014 when I graduate, I am not backing down without a serious fight. I just do not believe it is completely over. I would understand if there was no communication what so ever, but we became friends on Facebook again this week and we have been texting nonstop since Thursday. I honestly just want my best friend back. Sure I love him, but I am not even sure it is in a romantic way anymore. I know you are rolling your eyes as you read this thinking "God she talks about him enough, she has to still want to be in a romantic relationship with him." Well that is true, but I think before when we tried to be more than friends, we were not friends for long enough without adding romance into the equation. I would like a do over, but much slower this time.
In other news, one of my online classes is done at the end of this week. Thank goodness. I just want less on my plate. I know everyone is thinking "Oh you are not even working this summer you cannot possibly be that busy." Well these two classes are actually proving to be extremely time consuming. I have to complete six study guides tonight for my last exam on Friday at noon. I know that is partly my fault for procrastinating, but still it is a lot. Whether I spread it out or not.
I wish it would stop raining. It makes no sense, the days I wake up and want to spend all day outside are the ones when it pours like cats and dogs outside. The other beautiful days I sleep way in and then feel like crap the rest of the day because I am so tired!
Well it is time to start my study guides.
I PROMISE to those of you reading this on a regular basis, and just to myself, that I will update this more regularly these last few weeks of summer.
<3
So I went on vacation last week. It was very fun and extremely relaxing. Thursday three people- all past men I have been involved with decided to text me. All in the same day, I know.. I just sat there like what the hell is going on right now!? You guessed it, one was "him".
I told myself earlier today that if I still feel the same exact way as I do at this moment in May 2014 when I graduate, I am not backing down without a serious fight. I just do not believe it is completely over. I would understand if there was no communication what so ever, but we became friends on Facebook again this week and we have been texting nonstop since Thursday. I honestly just want my best friend back. Sure I love him, but I am not even sure it is in a romantic way anymore. I know you are rolling your eyes as you read this thinking "God she talks about him enough, she has to still want to be in a romantic relationship with him." Well that is true, but I think before when we tried to be more than friends, we were not friends for long enough without adding romance into the equation. I would like a do over, but much slower this time.
In other news, one of my online classes is done at the end of this week. Thank goodness. I just want less on my plate. I know everyone is thinking "Oh you are not even working this summer you cannot possibly be that busy." Well these two classes are actually proving to be extremely time consuming. I have to complete six study guides tonight for my last exam on Friday at noon. I know that is partly my fault for procrastinating, but still it is a lot. Whether I spread it out or not.
I wish it would stop raining. It makes no sense, the days I wake up and want to spend all day outside are the ones when it pours like cats and dogs outside. The other beautiful days I sleep way in and then feel like crap the rest of the day because I am so tired!
Well it is time to start my study guides.
I PROMISE to those of you reading this on a regular basis, and just to myself, that I will update this more regularly these last few weeks of summer.
<3
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Deep Down You Know It's Best For Yourself
Well I just got home from my session with the psychologist. I do not know how long this post is going to be, nor do I really know what I want to talk about.
My psychologist agreed that it is time for me to walk away. He said I need to stop trying because I tried a relationship and that did not work and then I tried to be friends with "him" and that did not work either. So I am turning around and walking back to where I came from, metaphorically speaking.
I think I am trying to fight this so much because "he" tells me how much everyone in his life that he thought cared about him left and I wanted to desperately to prove him wrong. I wanted to be his saving grace, and I do not owe that to him. I do not need to be that to him. This hurts. It just happened in March, but I am in a hell of a lot better place than I was in March.
My psychologist also thinks that I am making good progress and that it will take a very long time to get completely over him, but I have set my boundaries and need to stick to them. I do not want to lower my standards or qualifications anymore than I already have.
I tried and this whole situation has nothing to do with me, although he always wants to make me feel like it is all my fault that it is never going to work out.
He can have as many girl friends as he wants, but he is never going to be in an actual relationship because he is too scared to truly be happy. He just wants to have sex with whom ever he pleases. I am so glad he spared me that situation.
Positive pep talks and encouragement are greatly appreciated from anyone. I know that I do feel better when I am reassured that there are people on my side willing to help/listen to me.
You know how you feel when you sleep way too long at night and you wake up feeling groggy and even more exhausted than if you had just woken up at your usual time? I feel like that.
I feel mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted from all of these feelings I have been feeling throughout this situation. It cannot be possibly this tolling on him as it is on me because I was emotionally invested in this situation.
I really doubt he knew when he found me and contacted me on FaceBook two years ago that we would have gone through all we have and ended up like this. This is certainly not the way I envisioned it. I was supposed to be the one breaking someone's heart this time.. I seem like I am always on the receiving end of that situation though.
I have realized that I am too nice. Now I usually do not think that there is anything such as "too nice", but I do however feel that I am being too nice in this situation. I need to toughen up and just take much longer next time to let someone in so easily. Everything moved way too fast these past two years and the outcome is awful.
I am done. I feel like a huge weight should be lifted from my shoulders automatically, but then I remember all of the emotion and time I invested in him. I guess that weight will slowly come off. I am not so sure now if I can make one of my summer goals to be over him. Maybe I can modify that goal to being over the situation and accepting it for what it is. I know he will always have a special place in my heart. I will always love him in some way, but some things just don't work out- and usually it is for the best.
Love,
Amy
My psychologist agreed that it is time for me to walk away. He said I need to stop trying because I tried a relationship and that did not work and then I tried to be friends with "him" and that did not work either. So I am turning around and walking back to where I came from, metaphorically speaking.
I think I am trying to fight this so much because "he" tells me how much everyone in his life that he thought cared about him left and I wanted to desperately to prove him wrong. I wanted to be his saving grace, and I do not owe that to him. I do not need to be that to him. This hurts. It just happened in March, but I am in a hell of a lot better place than I was in March.
My psychologist also thinks that I am making good progress and that it will take a very long time to get completely over him, but I have set my boundaries and need to stick to them. I do not want to lower my standards or qualifications anymore than I already have.
I tried and this whole situation has nothing to do with me, although he always wants to make me feel like it is all my fault that it is never going to work out.
He can have as many girl friends as he wants, but he is never going to be in an actual relationship because he is too scared to truly be happy. He just wants to have sex with whom ever he pleases. I am so glad he spared me that situation.
Positive pep talks and encouragement are greatly appreciated from anyone. I know that I do feel better when I am reassured that there are people on my side willing to help/listen to me.
You know how you feel when you sleep way too long at night and you wake up feeling groggy and even more exhausted than if you had just woken up at your usual time? I feel like that.
I feel mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted from all of these feelings I have been feeling throughout this situation. It cannot be possibly this tolling on him as it is on me because I was emotionally invested in this situation.
I really doubt he knew when he found me and contacted me on FaceBook two years ago that we would have gone through all we have and ended up like this. This is certainly not the way I envisioned it. I was supposed to be the one breaking someone's heart this time.. I seem like I am always on the receiving end of that situation though.
I have realized that I am too nice. Now I usually do not think that there is anything such as "too nice", but I do however feel that I am being too nice in this situation. I need to toughen up and just take much longer next time to let someone in so easily. Everything moved way too fast these past two years and the outcome is awful.
I am done. I feel like a huge weight should be lifted from my shoulders automatically, but then I remember all of the emotion and time I invested in him. I guess that weight will slowly come off. I am not so sure now if I can make one of my summer goals to be over him. Maybe I can modify that goal to being over the situation and accepting it for what it is. I know he will always have a special place in my heart. I will always love him in some way, but some things just don't work out- and usually it is for the best.
Love,
Amy
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
It Was So Easy And The Words So Sweet.
My stomach is turning as I begin to write this post. So many emotions are swirling in my head. I just want to get them all out without seeming too crazy. If you're reading this just try to follow along as best as you can. Also this post is primarily written to "him", like usual.
I expected by summer I would have something else to talk about other than you, but I was wrong. I can honestly say (no matter how many times I have said it before) I am done. I have tried long and hard enough. Through various social media sites I am learning that I am not the first person to feel the way I do or go through what you have put me through and I won't be the last. It is past time for me to just sit back and soak in the hurt. I have tried to mask the hurt that I have been feeling for so long by trying to communicate with you. There is absolutely no point to it anymore.
I cannot apologize for the decisions that you have made, although I wish you would sincerely apologize to me and show me that you mean it, but I am afraid that will never happen. However I am sorry that you do not think you deserve a lot in life. I have no idea how it is to feel to unworthy or undeserving of someone in life. It must be an awful feeling, and one you will have to live with for quite some time. I do know that if I ever felt undeserving of someone that I claim to "love", I would do everything in my power to become worthy of him. That is something you have never done for me and will never do for me.
I am extremely vulnerable right now and being in any contact with you is just poisonous to my life. You are not going to do anything to me in life, except bring me down and make me feel bad for being privileged in life and having a wonderful family.
I have learned that I need to respect myself first. I think I always expected you to show me how I deserved to be treated, and hunny, I most definitely know that I deserve to be treated better than the scum on the bottom of someone's shoe. Yes that is exactly how you make me feel. "Oh Amy will surely be waiting for me in the wings when this next relationship/fling goes disastrously..."... Well guess what? I am not going to be there to pick up the pieces this time- I am sure you can find some other girl considering you say all the time "every girl falls in love with me". I am not the first foolish girl to love you and I am sure I will not be the last. I cannot sit here and wait for you to be ready and deserving of me, after all your words and actions are two completely conflicting things- you say "I love you, I want to be settled down with you next year... blah blah blah..", yet your actions show the opposite- you just want to put your dick in something, like a 36-year-old with two kids. Really? Well I am so glad I will not be used like that again. Thank you for sparing my emotions? You want something convenient, but on the other hand you want something real that will last? Maybe I am not the confused one here after all. I know exactly what I want/need.
I am done opening up my heart to a guy unless he's opened it up to me. It hurts my emotions and my heart way to much to keep getting played like this. This is the first time I ever thought I could die of a broken heart.
I made the mistake last time I saw you in person to tell you I love you. Well there will be no more "I love you"s because it is too hard for me to say or think about.
I am not volunteering any information anymore. If you feel the need to text me, go ahead, but I may not have the urge to text you back, after all you rarely return the courtesy.
Upon talking to my cousin about the situation I mentioned that my psychologist said that the ball is in my court now. In response to that my cousin stated "Take your ball to another court and throw it at another boy because the court you are on now is cracked and unplayable". She is 100% correct. I have quit your game. It is time for me to move on to another court, which is what you wanted in the end anyway- to push me away so much I stopped trying and walked away so you would not have to. It worked- asshole.
I was also given tips by my aunt. She said that it's hard to operate when someone else is in control of your life. I have to be in control of my life for it to work out how I want it to. I am going to start standing firm and strong and not let you get the best of me.
I am tired of feeling sorry for myself.
Most times I am going to need to give myself a pep talk, at least in the beginning- which I feel is completely understandable. I will wake up every morning and tell myself life goes on and I was given another day for a reason. God knows that I am strong, heck most people around me know how strong I am. I have lost sight of how much of a strong, beautiful, independent woman I have grown to be.
I think the most important part of this whole experience is that in the end, now that this is over, I still believe in love. Many people would think after all the heartbreak boys have put me through throughout the years I would give up on love or question its true existence- I don't. I know that love does exist because I have felt it before and when I felt it I was more alive than ever. I felt invincible. I could conquer the world as long as I had someone loving me by my side. Well I still believe I can conquer all of my dreams and most other things too now, even without anyone by my side. You know why? Because I am doing it for me now. No one else. I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else gets to have that power.
I know that it will be a struggle, but I am confident that with the love and support from my family and friends, and most importantly myself, I will be able to do this.
My (new) goals for the summer:
1.) MOVE ON
2.) Lose 20 pounds before school starts in August
3.) Get a B in my online Biology course
4.) Learn to cook a new Paleo dish
5.) Get off my blood thinners
6.) Be happy with myself
7.) Spend time with great friends
8.) Laugh as often as possible
9.) Memorize my jury pieces for the Fall
10.) Meet a new friend
These are only a few of my goals this summer. I tried to put the most important ones I could think of.
Well although I am dealing with a rather shitty situation in my opinion, I am alive today and feeling very blessed to be given a new fresh day to live.
Here's to only putting your efforts towards things that matter to you. No more wasted time or emotions. Cheers!
P.S. Two songs I can definitely relate to:
"Complicated" by Rihanna
"Clarity" by ZEDD
I expected by summer I would have something else to talk about other than you, but I was wrong. I can honestly say (no matter how many times I have said it before) I am done. I have tried long and hard enough. Through various social media sites I am learning that I am not the first person to feel the way I do or go through what you have put me through and I won't be the last. It is past time for me to just sit back and soak in the hurt. I have tried to mask the hurt that I have been feeling for so long by trying to communicate with you. There is absolutely no point to it anymore.
I cannot apologize for the decisions that you have made, although I wish you would sincerely apologize to me and show me that you mean it, but I am afraid that will never happen. However I am sorry that you do not think you deserve a lot in life. I have no idea how it is to feel to unworthy or undeserving of someone in life. It must be an awful feeling, and one you will have to live with for quite some time. I do know that if I ever felt undeserving of someone that I claim to "love", I would do everything in my power to become worthy of him. That is something you have never done for me and will never do for me.
I am extremely vulnerable right now and being in any contact with you is just poisonous to my life. You are not going to do anything to me in life, except bring me down and make me feel bad for being privileged in life and having a wonderful family.
I have learned that I need to respect myself first. I think I always expected you to show me how I deserved to be treated, and hunny, I most definitely know that I deserve to be treated better than the scum on the bottom of someone's shoe. Yes that is exactly how you make me feel. "Oh Amy will surely be waiting for me in the wings when this next relationship/fling goes disastrously..."... Well guess what? I am not going to be there to pick up the pieces this time- I am sure you can find some other girl considering you say all the time "every girl falls in love with me". I am not the first foolish girl to love you and I am sure I will not be the last. I cannot sit here and wait for you to be ready and deserving of me, after all your words and actions are two completely conflicting things- you say "I love you, I want to be settled down with you next year... blah blah blah..", yet your actions show the opposite- you just want to put your dick in something, like a 36-year-old with two kids. Really? Well I am so glad I will not be used like that again. Thank you for sparing my emotions? You want something convenient, but on the other hand you want something real that will last? Maybe I am not the confused one here after all. I know exactly what I want/need.
I am done opening up my heart to a guy unless he's opened it up to me. It hurts my emotions and my heart way to much to keep getting played like this. This is the first time I ever thought I could die of a broken heart.
I made the mistake last time I saw you in person to tell you I love you. Well there will be no more "I love you"s because it is too hard for me to say or think about.
I am not volunteering any information anymore. If you feel the need to text me, go ahead, but I may not have the urge to text you back, after all you rarely return the courtesy.
Upon talking to my cousin about the situation I mentioned that my psychologist said that the ball is in my court now. In response to that my cousin stated "Take your ball to another court and throw it at another boy because the court you are on now is cracked and unplayable". She is 100% correct. I have quit your game. It is time for me to move on to another court, which is what you wanted in the end anyway- to push me away so much I stopped trying and walked away so you would not have to. It worked- asshole.
I was also given tips by my aunt. She said that it's hard to operate when someone else is in control of your life. I have to be in control of my life for it to work out how I want it to. I am going to start standing firm and strong and not let you get the best of me.
I am tired of feeling sorry for myself.
Most times I am going to need to give myself a pep talk, at least in the beginning- which I feel is completely understandable. I will wake up every morning and tell myself life goes on and I was given another day for a reason. God knows that I am strong, heck most people around me know how strong I am. I have lost sight of how much of a strong, beautiful, independent woman I have grown to be.
I think the most important part of this whole experience is that in the end, now that this is over, I still believe in love. Many people would think after all the heartbreak boys have put me through throughout the years I would give up on love or question its true existence- I don't. I know that love does exist because I have felt it before and when I felt it I was more alive than ever. I felt invincible. I could conquer the world as long as I had someone loving me by my side. Well I still believe I can conquer all of my dreams and most other things too now, even without anyone by my side. You know why? Because I am doing it for me now. No one else. I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else gets to have that power.
I know that it will be a struggle, but I am confident that with the love and support from my family and friends, and most importantly myself, I will be able to do this.
My (new) goals for the summer:
1.) MOVE ON
2.) Lose 20 pounds before school starts in August
3.) Get a B in my online Biology course
4.) Learn to cook a new Paleo dish
5.) Get off my blood thinners
6.) Be happy with myself
7.) Spend time with great friends
8.) Laugh as often as possible
9.) Memorize my jury pieces for the Fall
10.) Meet a new friend
These are only a few of my goals this summer. I tried to put the most important ones I could think of.
Well although I am dealing with a rather shitty situation in my opinion, I am alive today and feeling very blessed to be given a new fresh day to live.
Here's to only putting your efforts towards things that matter to you. No more wasted time or emotions. Cheers!
Love,
Amy
P.S. Two songs I can definitely relate to:
"Complicated" by Rihanna
"Clarity" by ZEDD
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